I am at a strange point in my life this week. I don't know what's about to happen, but I sense a turning point. It's more internal than anything. I am unsure whether it is the beginning of a new "cycle" or that this is something different just starting to evolve within me.
So many things I have been reading, listening to, studying have all touched on a deep course I seem to have subconsciously known was running through my life these last three years. I have been working through the anger and loneliness following the final letting go of my former spouse.
I have been struggling trying to remain a good parent to my S's and a positive influence on their lives while in the face of continual and unrelenting poisoning of their minds by their mother and members of her family. I am witness to actions to alienate me from my S's and seeing the resulting turmoil on their innocent psyches. And I have had to resign myself that the legal system, the parenting coordinator, family counselors, etc. are all either (a) powerless, (b) uncaring, (c) contributors or (d) all of the above to the great evils that arise from D and the ripping apart of families.
And my reaction had been mute anger seething within my soul, with no recourse or outlet for its relief. I am intelligent enough to have seen all along how this is my chief-most problem and how it only contributes to xW's plans. I am intelligent enough to recognize that I have been my own worst enemy, but lacking the wisdom to figure out how to overcome this same. I have often felt utterly powerless to be able to help myself or my S's through these times. And a sense of hopelessness poisons my thoughts.
Fortunately time -- much time -- has indeed brought healing, as does much prayer and meditation. And reading the Word. Communication with God has been a great comfort, has eased my mind. Without being able to tend to my soul and the spiritual side of who I am, I would have been lost.
But I see now that much of the benefit from our Lord during these last few years has been to help keep me afloat through the storms, not to swim a marathon but to tread water as I heal and grow stronger. To bide my time and rest in Him until such time as He sets the next course.
The injuries are still deep and I expect to continue to struggle with the obstacles thrown in my path. But I feel something new in the wind, and I cannot put my finger on what.
I think it may be that I am finally beginning to truly let go and let God. I did begin this three years ago, but I now see it was too soon, I wasn't ready yet. I am only now seeing that I am reaching the point where the Holy Spirit will be able to not only enter me and heal me, but be able to move me. I feel God speaking to me in ways that let me know I am now to begin to let go of those last vestiges of my own will, parts that I thought I had already let go, and to give those over to God, truly and fully. It's scary, downrigth terrifying to me, someone who has been in command of my own destiny for much of my life, always knowing what my path would be and where I (thought) I wanted to go.
I learned to let go of myself and hitch my wagon to a common purpose when I got M'ed. I loved my W, and I was both happy and willing to bend my paths so that I could walk parallel with hers. But somewhere along the way I realized she had never done the same. That's where I got lost, and I got off my own life's path to satisfy her contradictory definitions of home, family, M, and obligation.
But am reaching a point now where I can see letting every last vestige go of myself and giving that over to God, to serve His will and not my own, is the only true path to joy and fulfillment. It is very scary, yes, or would have been up until now. I don't fear it anymore.
See, it is one thing to know something in your mind, to understand it, to feel it in your heart even. But it is another thing entirely to make it a part of you and to feel it in your soul. Only then does it become truly real for oneself.
I think I am arriving there at last. Another step along the path. I now find myself in patient anticipation of what lies just around this next corner, be it good or bad.
