Is there a way back?

[vj68]

Hi Everybody,

I will try to give a outline of where I am at. I have been with my wife for 14 years, married for 10, with two beautiful children. Basically, the problems started early last year when an old boyfriend got back in touch with my wife on Facebook. She asked me if it was okay and I said it was. But a few weeks later I woke up in the middle of the night and found my wife IMing with him. I asked her the next day what was going on and she said that she was devasted when the broke up 17 years ago and was trying to work through with this guy why they broke up as she had thought they would marry and it hurt her deeply when they broke up. I was a bit shocked by this revelation.

A few weeks later I came across an email from him on the home PC saying that my wife was his soulmate, he still loved her, that in his heart he knew she should be with him not someone else and that they should meet up to work out whether all the old feelings were still there. I confronted my wife who said
that she had made it clear to him that she was committed to us and was not looking to leave me. I told her I wanted her contact with him to end.

A few months went by and I was contacted by this guys wife out of the blue on FB saying that he had left her and it was all my wifes fault. I also found out that my wife and this guy had met up a number of times for coffee although my wife maintained it was no more than that. This guy and his wife stayed separated for a few months but are back together now as far as i know.

My wife then told me that we had been drifting apart for a number of years, that I deserted her emotionally a number of years ago, that she was no longer in love with me.

She has also told me that she has never had an orgasm with me, that there is not the same spark with me that there was with this other guy, that she will always regret breaking up with him as she does not think she will ever feel for anybody else like she did for him.

Despite all this my wife maintains she is committed to us and does not want to break up, but I think that is more due to the kids then anythink else. We rarely have sex and she point blank refuses to break off contact with the other guy saying I have no right to tell her who her friends are. She tells me that she may never get over the invasion of privacy of me reading private emails of hers and basically tells me that my whole response has pushed our marriage to breaking point.

Beyond all that she seems to have a gigantic chip on her shoulder about us. She tells me that I emotionally abandoned her years ago after the birth of our first child. That I let her down. That she always expected her husband to look after her and that I didn't do that. She is always complaining that I do not do enough at home and am not involved enough with the kids. My job does involve long hours at times but I am either there or at home. I try to help when i can - most mornings getting the children up in the morning, getting them breakfast and dressed, dropping my daughter at kindy on the way to work, washing clothes on the weekend etc. But the fact of the matter is that my daughter is in childcare 3 days a week and while I am working my wife is doing art classes, French classes etc and then saying I don't do enough. I don't begrudge her doing the classes - I think it is a positive way for her to recapture a sense of self worth and defining herself as a person not just a wife and mother. But I get no appreciation for how hard I work.

And we live in a very expensive neighborhood because my wife wants to. She says that I do not appreciate the job she does raising our kids which is not true. according to her she has sacrificed her career to have a family. I do not get any appreciation for how hard I work to support our family as she says i would be doing that anyway. And she seems to think I have a choice about working late or weekends when a lot of my colleagues were laid off for not working hard enough.

I have tried to work through some of the issues with my wife. I have agreed that at times in the past I have been distracted by work, that perhaps at times I could have juggled things a bit better. But if I try to point out times or ways when I have not felt amotionally supported my wife does not want to hear it. It seems she has it in her head that I am a bad husband, all the fault is on my side, i let her down, i didn't look after her etc.

Unforunately, at the times that I supposedly let her down she never told me what she wanted from me. So i am now held to account for a time when I had no idea that there was actually a problem.

At the moment I am just lost. My wife has such a sense of victimhood about her. I have read a lot lately as well as had some individual counselling and have tried to apply some of the advice I have come across - that we both have to set boundaries in our relationship of what we consider acceptable, we need to speak in a non-judgemental fashion about what we need from each other, what we do that upsets each other etc. But it all seems to do no good. My wife just will not admit that if a relationship is going through a bad patch that we both must be contributing to it. She just wants to lay all the blame at my feet.

We tried marriage counselling earlier this year. After 4 sessions the counsellor said that all they could help us do was separate so we didn't go back.

So at the moment I just don't know whether there is anyway back. And all the criticism that my life has levelled at me is eating away at my confidence. You begin to have doubts about whether you are a decent, worthy person or whether you really are this person your partner paints you out to be.

[hbm]

Your W has basically told you she is still in love with her high school sweetheart and she won't break contact off with him?! You are right in expecting her to end her relationship with this other person. She is having an EA even if it hasn't turned PA yet which it most likely will if she continues contact with him.

Have you thought about kicking her out of the house? Exposing the A to family/friends?

Your W sounds like she is rewriting the history of your M so that she doesn't have to feel as guilty about what she is doing.
Don't believe a word she says. You sound like a very caring person with solid morals and values. Don't let her take that away from you.

You have come to the right place and will get lots of good advice. I am still pretty new around here, but hang in there. You will get the support you need from others who have been in your shoes.

If you haven't read Divorce Remedy definitely do it asasp!

[Serenity13]

VJ~

There is a lot to process in your post, however I wanted to start with this -

And all the criticism that my life has levelled at me is eating away at my confidence. You begin to have doubts about whether you are a decent, worthy person or whether you really are this person your partner paints you out to be.

Until you realize your worth, your decency comes from within you, you are going to be stuck questioning whether you really are "this person"...

No one, on this face of this earth should control your self-worth and your decency as a human being, that should come from you and you alone.

Trust me.

(((Hugs)))

[vj68]

Thanks for the feedback. I do agree that my sense of worth needs to come from inside. It can just be hard to hold on to sometimes when you are always being told that you are cold, uncaring, selfish.

When the person you have married and planned to spend you life with tells you that they know you think you are a nice guy but that you are wrong. That they feel you have let them down in so many ways.

I still struggle to understand where all of the anger and negativity comes from and why. I realised 3 or 4 years ago that things were not where they had been but I still always thought we loved each other and that when the kids got a bit older we would come out the other side. That we were just going through the flat patch that many marriages do immediately after children came along. I certainly never felt like I had abandoned my wife

[Piano]

It was your wife's responsibility to communicate problems in the marriage and work those issues out with you, not invite a 3rd person into the marriage.
She is probably being more negative about your M right now (they call it 'rewriting history') to justify her decision to be in contact with the OM.
It takes two to tango in a marriage, and your wife might have some reasonable grievances...but only accept responsibility for your chit, not hers.
Maybe you could restate your boundary about OM: " I have decided that I will not live in a sexless and loveless marriage and I certainly wont live in an open marriage. You're contact with OM has to stop or I will be considering my options". Others will help you more with this; be patient, hopefully one of the vets will be along soon.
Meanwhile read the Boundaries and Letting Them Go threads in Newcomers. Read,read, read, post here often and wait for advice before making sudden moves.

[Piano]

sorry, that thread was Setting Them Free, not Letting Them Go, lol!
Here is is:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2030222#Post2030222

The other thread to read is this one on Boundaries:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1859179#Post1859179

[Stubborn-Male]

vj68,
I feel for you. My sitch is different but my wife has also re-written history and has never, in 12 years complained about anything, but I am supposed to have 'known' she was unhappy. It all seems to follow a common pattern, negativity is rife. Understand that you can only take part of the 'blame' the other part is hers, though doubtless she will not accept that. Self-worth and a PMA are essential and EAs and PAs are a no go area. Read and digest the posts from the more experianced members, it is essential.

[gutwrenching]

There is a way back. It may or may not happen, but this is a place to help people find a way back or find a better way forward. It will not be quick, and it will not be easy.

Your W is giving you classic script lines. Its almost as if a class exists out that teaches spouses what to say when they are having a EA or PA. You are in no means alone and many of us have dealt with hearing that garbage. Its not easy and it is not necessarily true, but you will probably keep hearing it for a while.

If you haven't yet, read DB or DR. That is a good step 1. Step 2 is hopefully ending EA, but at a minimum, establishing a clear boundary with consequences that carrying on an EA in your house is not acceptable. Take a look at the infidelity forums, some good stuff there on how to end the EA.

Your W not wanting to end the M, for whatever reason, buys you time (this is going to take a long time) and tells you that there is still at least part of her that wants the M to work and probably part of her that knows the EA is wrong.

Take your time, formulate a plan on how to stop this EA, post it here or over at infedility and let some of the experts help you with your plan.

That's my recommendation

[soleil]

VJ,

Your wife is in the thick of it (the affair). Are you sure they are not still in contact, your wife and OM? It sounds like they either: are still involved which is why she is giving you the cold shoulder and/or it may have ended by way of OM, but not your W.

Believe me when I say she is still pining over him.

It is normal to have a sense of worthlessness and doubt yourself when you find out your spouse has been involved with someone else. But know the truth. Your W never told you there was a problem when she now says there was. She didn't voice these concerns to you at the time.

Let her know, absolutely 0 contact is to be had with OM and that you want to work on M. Then pull back.

GAL
GAL
GAL

[Long_Way_To_Go]

I'm sorry you are here vj68, but you are not alone. I am in a similar situation as you except 4 months down the road already. My husband had an PA over the summer and gave me all the typical lines--unhappy for years, no spark between us, rewriting the history of our marriage, missed out on his twenties because he married me, still in contact with OW (who is in college).

When I first read DB and came here I believed my life was over. I am in a much better place now after focusing on myself more. I still have sadness in my heart for all that has happened, but each day I get a little stronger. One thing that has really helped me is talking with a divorce busting coach. She has really helped me focus on small goals and look for small changes. I didn't know how to apply the DB techniques to my situation and she has been so helpful, kind and compassionate.

Please don't blame or think badly of yourself. She is blaming you to justify her relationship with the OM. I think a lot of spouses in an EA or PA greatly exaggerate what they are feeling about their marriage. So I take my H's complaints about our relationship as only 50% true. That helps me to not blame myself or feel like all is hopeless. I hope this makes sense.