Letting My Guard Down

[Serenity13]

(((((Friends))))

Thank you everyone who responded...Thanks for the hugs (Rob - I know you aren't an "internet hugger" so it is always brings a smile to my face when I see that from you) and the prayers.

I sat here (not literally) yesterday, last night and the majority of today just reflecting over the past 19 months and I see how far I have come from that fateful day he confessed, to the day I found this site.

I thought back to the ones who have stood by me from day one - You know who you are - The ones who were here when I was still self-injuring, a bi-polar mess swallowing 5 pills a day to get through life, when I was suicidal, when I hit rock bottom and had no choice but to rise...

And rise I did...Higher than I ever thought possible...

Off all meds, a calling I never expected, wanted nor desired yet more excited about that I ever thought I could be...

And as I thought, I remembered all the advice, the words of wisdom and yes some words even said in frustration...

I said to myself, "You can continue to rise and move forward or you can let him knock you down again"

I can allow him to set me back a billion steps - (Thank you Coach for showing me how dramatic that statement was) or I can continue to focus on what I have been called to do...

So while it stings and it was done in a cruel way and yes I am still numb, I choose to continue to walk forward.

I choose to not allow him to rule my emotions and I choose to not allow him to be the deciding factor on whether I am happy or not.

I choose to be the best mother, friend, aunt, sister, daughter, student & (eventually) Pastor (in combat boots Puppy) that I can be and no one will take that from me ever again.

(I feel like I should throw a Mother Effer in there...But I won't)

I choose to treat people the way I want to be treated, I choose not to disrespect him no matter how low he sinks...

I choose to live and be happy regardless of his choices.

In the end, I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage and sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

(((((Hugs))))