CityGirl...your posts to others are so thoughtful and insightful, so rock solid and down to earth...just plain old damn good! I wish I had the words to help you as you do me. I think you're about as stout as anybody I've run across along these lines. I'm hopeful that the strength and fortitude and sound wisdom that we see from you on this board will be evident and useful to you too as you deal with the things that you are.
If you're going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
CG, I know it feels personal, but I think the trick is to try not to take your sister's actions and words personally. She is fighting a battle within herself, and you are the easy target. You are big sister, the one who takes care of things, and somehow, in her mind, you didn't protect her from this. It's not your fault! Take care of yourself, your health. The rest will work itself out.
Jeff, that's what I said too. CG loves her sister very much (and vice-versa) so it's understandable CG is upset.
CG's your sister took this (dad's passing) very hard and couldn't deal with it even back then and you were left to take care of all (some very serious) the things yourself. Your sister was also not eager to go today and tried to cancel but she did anyway, unfortunately, when things sounded complicated from the legal stand point that was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Who's she going to blow up on? the person she's closest to.
She obviously needs to find a way to deal with her feelings/issues. However, this is in no way your fault, hell, you've been carrying all this weight on your shoulders in addition to everything else that's been happening in your life. There's nothing more you can do or say.
The best thing to do IMHO is to just give her space and time to process all this. She'll realize on her own that you've done nothing wrong...quite the opposite- you've been shielding her as much as possible and the legal crap is not in your control. It is what it is.
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CityGirl...your posts to others are so thoughtful and insightful, so rock solid and down to earth...just plain old damn good! I wish I had the words to help you as you do me. I think you're about as stout as anybody I've run across along these lines. I'm hopeful that the strength and fortitude and sound wisdom that we see from you on this board will be evident and useful to you too as you deal with the things that you are.
If you're going through hell, keep going - Winston Churchill
Agreed. 100%. You're the voice of strength and wisdom.
Hope you feel better! I know you will...tomorrow will be a new day.
(((hugs)))
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Thank you all for the support! This is a very touchy issue and I agree with my sister 110% it is upsetting but really, conflict won't make it go away!
I haven't heard from her. She never showed up for dinner last night (her work is near my house and she comes for dinner during her break). I am sorry she is sad but I am sad too. I am getting a little tired of having everything dumped on me.
I will say to all of you... PLEASE be sure you have a proper will in place that is updated frequently. It really is one of the greatest gifts you can give your family. I know it's unpleasant to think about but the issues that arise for a family when no will is in place are difficult. The attny I spoke to y'day told me so many people have wills made and never sign and return them (not on purpose, they just forget, get busy or don't have the money to complete the service) and it causes so much strife.
On the divorce front....
I had not heard from D for a few weeks. A few weeks ago he e-mailed me at 6:30 on a Sunday morning telling me about an injury he had and how much pain he was in. The next day he sent me a long e-mail.
He said since our separation was legal (Nov 2009) he has been very, very angry at me. He feels like I lie to him and blow him off because I won't talk to him. He says he can't even try to talk to me anymore because feelings of anger overcome him and it will prevent us from having "hard talks" and I am not doing what he wants me to, to make him less angry. He said by now we should have been talking and seeing where things go between us and we should be dating by now.
He also said he has had lots of money troubles but nothing like mine. He told me about his new car. He told me about his new job (pay cut and 90% travel). He said he can't understand for the life of him why I am adamant about getting the divorce and he doesn't understand why we have to walk down the road of divorce again and can I help him understand why. He said he took this job for "us" to be more stable since his pay will no longer be commission loaded but more salary based.
He said he is in no rush to get this divorce done but he guesses he can't stop me. He said he was sad I struggle so much financially and he would like to give me some money if I would let him.
He went on and on about how he hopes he made the right decision by taking this job and he is nervous and he really, really needs my support. He also said he wants me to enjoy what was left of the summer.
I did message him back and told him I am done discussing this over e-mail and he asked me if we could have a phone talk on Tues the 21st. I told him I would think about it.
Odd he takes this job (it has been offered to him before but he always turned it down because he never wanted us to be apart that much) now.
For him to have the balls to type and send an e-mail telling me he doesn't know why we are getting divorced is comical. He got an awful lot of protection from a trial for this separation so he understands it just fine.
In March of 2010 (the last time I spoke to him on the phone) he told me how madly in love he still was with OW and that was his choice and blah blah blah... and I told him that was good but there would be no further communication with us. He said he understood although he was disappointed. So why he is so angry at me I won't communicate. It was made clear to him many months ago. More BS.
We have had the "hard talks" and that means him bashing and blaming me for hours and turning all of his horrid actions back on me. To this day he still can't admit he had an affair and calls it "that other thing".
If I file it will be ALL my fault (LOL!) because he is trying.
He comes home from his first trip tomorrow yet he wants to wait until Tues to talk. Why? OW has him all weekend and Monday night is football. No talking for me.
It's very sad to me that my H would take this job to run again... and for his sake I really hope he is running towards something rather than running away.
He said he misses me and thinks of me each day (he always tells me this). He thought we would be pass this by now.
Oh, and he sent me 900.00 out of the blue.
He rammed divorce don't my throat for 2 years and now he is in no rush. For 2 years divorce was his only option and now he is no rush? Whatever. Now that HE is comfortable things are okay?
It amazes me how some WAS's are in complete denial of their actions and the impact thereof, actually trying to believe whole fabrications about themselves and the complete innocence of their actions, no matter how wrong.
CG, Find another estate attorney. If he can't communicate with you and the professional realtionship is going to cause a lot of stress then find someone you can work with. It's a business decision. There are enough emotions in dealing with estates, so find someone with compassion, empathy and can relate to you. You are hiring them to work for you and at a hefty fee. Take care of yourself and find the right lawyer.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
He said by now we should have been talking and seeing where things go between us and we should be dating by now.
He said he can't understand for the life of him why I am adamant about getting the divorce and he doesn't understand why we have to walk down the road of divorce For him to have the balls to type and send an e-mail telling me he doesn't know why we are getting divorced is comical.
It's hysterical. Seriously, he doesn't seem to "get" that his "other thing" is a major reason you're D'ing. Does he expect you to wait for him while he carries on another life with someone else? How rude! CG, I have to give it to you--you are handling this beautifully. You are my inspiration!
Sol - I am not handling all of this that great, lol! I felt rage when I read that e-mail he sent me. And I can honestly say I have shed some tears this week - it's been stressful.
If he doesn't get it by now then I doubt he will. I'm not sure why it's so puzzling to ANY man that has had a three year affair why their W just isn't cool with things.... my word.
Coach - I'm not 100% on this attny. We went there first because my sister works with the partner of one of the attnys. It was a starting point but once we all settle down I guess we will have to try once again to have a discussion to see where we are all at. My mom and sister did like him - we'll see. I don't have to like him but I do have to be able to communicate with him. I think part of the problem is I am very used to working w/my divorce attny and his staff and they are MUCH different.
