After my H had been tunneling away for several years I started thinking, "How sad that I never realized how selfish he was BEFORE we got married." Later, I read lists of "Controlling Behaviours" and "Passive-Aggressive" traits, and saw that he was exhibiting pretty much every one.
However, post-tunnel, he's not exhibiting these traits. It was his depression which led him to behave in these ways, rather than a permanent mental disorder.
