I just felt like posting a small story. My wife is feeling the consequences of not living at home and being [directly]actively involved in our son's daily life with school, etc... I mentioned before how she was upset on missing our son's school open house. She surprised me today because, for the first time since she moved out, instead of projecting her guilt/anger onto me, she somewhat opened up and shared her feeling(s) about something with Gabe (i.e. allowed herself to be vulnerable).
Last school year Gabe would either call or text my wife every morning before he got on the bus, and every single afternoon as soon as he got off the bus. Since school started two weeks ago he has only called/texted me, and has not called/texted her one time. I've reminded (not ordered) him a handful of times that he should tell her as well, but so far he has not. I spoke to my wife on the phone today and she shared with me that she feels hurt that Gabe doesn't call or text her anymore before/after school. I told her I'd remind him (again) to call/text, and her reply was, "It's okay. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. It hurts that he doesn't do it anymore though."
I felt kind of torn inside. The angry part of me felt like this is one of the consequences of her moving out, and as rude as it sounds, maybe feeling this pain, this dis-connect with her son, will jolt her a little bit to wake up to what she has done. On the other hand, I felt a sense of pity for my wife, simply because of the fact that a mother should never have this kind of dis-connected relationship with her own child.
The depression/confusion for the MLC spouse has to be extremely draining for them. Just a few days ago my wife was complaining to me that she thinks Gabe probably watches too much t.v at home. I 'gently' tried to tell her that Gabe and I rarely watch tv at home, and only occassionally watch movies on the computer together. It offended her. Her response was, "No. He must watch alot of tv at home, because whenever he watches tv with me at the apartment, he knows way too much information about the commercials that come on the tv." Sensing that I was about to engage in a losing battle, I simply agreed to remind our son not to watch too much television.
When I spoke to our son I told him what his mom said. His response was, "But dad. Mom lets me watch wayyyyyyyy more tv at the apartment! I don't hardly watch tv over here. She lets me watch tv at night, and then again the next morning. That's why I know the commercials!" I just told him that I agreed with his mom that it's not good to watch too much tv, and that he should obey our basic 'home' tv rules, which are: no tv on school nights, etc... Gabe's reply was, "But, I want mom to know what really happened! I don't want her to get mad at me for something that's not true!" I told him not to argue with her, and just try to understand the basic rule(s). His final reply was, "So, you don't want me to tell the truth?!"
First, he feels compelled to lie to the neighbors because he's too embarrassed to tell them that his mother and sister no longer live at home. Then, he's upset because I ask him not engage in conflict with his mom, even though he's right about the tv situation. Poor kid... How do I help him keep a good view of his mom, and this whole mess??
And now, my wife allows herself to be somewhat vulnerable by sharing her feelings. How do I balance my feeling of 'wanting' her to face the consequences of her actions vs. feeling sorry for her because...well, because she's my wife, and our kids' mom?
