Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

I said I would start a thread here and it took me about 6 weeks to get that done.

I don't know how to link my newcomers threads, but short version is WAW in Oct 09, bomb dropped in Nov 09, discover EA in Dec 09 and discover DB about the same time I learn of OM. Expose the affair and now that I'm piecing and know everything, they just went deeper undercover...new e-mail accounts, two different pay as you go phones, using chat programs on iphones, etc

Apr 10 - W decides she wants to "try"...that lasts one week. In May, again wants to "try"...that lasts one week. June, same thing and this time she tells me she has ended it with OM and while snooping I see emails to confirm that...and it lasts one week. July, W says that's it, we're done, want D and she even tells me about other past As.

We move with the kids, driving across the US and it is stressful but I can sense some second thoughts on her part, but also know she is still communicating with OM. Dropp off W, take the kids with me, let her go...and two days later she is an absolute wreck, in tears, regretting what she has done, asking for another chances.

After thinking it through, setting some boundaries, gaining transparency, we decide to piece our marriage back together. That was in early Aug.

Piecing has gone well. We had the "2nd honeymoon stage" for a little bit and now have setteled into our new home, new life, new M. We got through our first couple significant arguments which was tough but we survived.

A couple of days ago, as I had predicted, OM contacted W again via e-mail. W didn't believe he would. She had told him never again and that basically she didn't like the person she had become because of him and didn't like the person he was now that she really had gotten to know him better. Email from OM was to "thank her" for all she had done and for their relationship and for showing him/giving him the strength to now tell his W he wants a D. So it was really to let my W know he was going back on the open market.

She assured me she would not reply, and it was genuine. So we continue to piece but it sucks knowing the snake (as my friend Lost Rabbit has so adequately termed him) continues to lurk in the background.

The hardest part for me to this point is letting go of thinking about OM and past As. Gaining trust is not easy either, but my W is trying very, very hard to show/prove she has chosen me and will never go back and is willing to make this work.

We have also agreed to Retrouville, but have to wait for a weekend session close enough to attend and find someone to watch the kids.

I owe a ton of people a ton of thanks. I would have never made it this far without these boards!

[sandi2]

Hi GW! It's so good to hear from you. I hope you will be around often, helping others here on the board. Piecing is tough but it can work.

[gutwrenching]

Hey Sandi - great to hear from you.
Yes piecing is tough work, been at it about 6 weeks now and there have been tough times. First argument was tough. Worrying about slipping back has been tough for both of us.

For me, gaining back trust is still my #1 stumbling block...but I didn't put all this effort and fight in to just give up now.

Things really are looking positive. W is committed to rebuilding. W is committed to ensuring I see/know she will not start communicating with OM again nor any other OM...even with OM not getting a D from his W.

The depression issues seem to truly have been driven by her internal struggle of trying to juggle two men. As you know from all your help on my sitch, she never walked, never completely shut the door on me...and as I now know, she and OM never stopped contact for more than a week. W didn't like the person she had become and that's what drove the depression issues.

[gutwrenching]

And yes, I am giving as much time as I can find to trying to help others. Our life conintues to be insanely busy, but I will give back where I can even if it just means offering support/encouragement

[sandi2]

Did your W ever see a specialist about her hormone/depression problems?

[gutwrenching]

Depression yes, hormones no.
Though these days, the "feelings are back"...she told me not to worry, they were completely back. This was about a week after she told me they were coming back.

She went on medication for the depression, but the root cause of the depression seems to have been the guilt/internal struggle of what she was doing. She couldn't handle juggling a EA with OM and still being M and faking it with me and even more so, says she didn't like the person she had become...

[sandi2]

I think it helps a WAW in an A to see the OM's attraction start of fade. If she can leave the A seeing him less than what she thought he was in the beginning, then I believe she has a better chance of staying out of contact with him.

If a woman leaves the A still believing OM was her only chance at true happiness....then it's going to be very hard for her to stick to her resolve not to check up and see how he's doing.

So, I hope this will help you to relax a little bit more. I pray for your M b/c I believe you are a great guy with a sweet little family.

[gutwrenching]

Thanks Sandi! Good to see you back and helping people with your computer up and running. You have a lot to offer. And thanks for your nice words and encouragement.

Things continue to go well for us. We have our ups and downs, but all in all, we continue to do well.

I am still trying to deal with everything that I know went on and still working on the forgiveness piece--some of the recent posts on forgiveness have really helped me think about things and think thru things. W has told me a lot about their EA, she doesn't like to talk about it, but is willing too if it helps me...that is what she has told me.

I hope and think you are probably right about the attraction fading. She has told me a few things that show it was fading for the last month despite the fact she was holding onto the EA, they were planning a get together shortly after the move, etc...

These days we both still see his name and see comments from him occassionally. We all have a mutual friend on facebook. One comment by OM led her to say "can you believe that, I would have had a real problem with that, that's not how I want our kids to be brought up." (he is spoiling his kids, he grew up very affluent and has family money...my W and I didn't grow up priveleged like that). So again, hopefully seeing he isn't only chance at true happiness

And at one point a couple of weeks after OM contacted W and we were having one of those down times to work thru, she said there was a part of her that wanted to contact OM but it wasn't worth it...she said: a part of me wants to tell him what a pompous @ss he is for sending me that email and saying the things he did.

[Pensacolabroken]

Gut, I hope I have a similiar outcome.. the scenarios are eerily similiar

[sandi2]

GW, I think it is more the "fantasy" than the OM/EA. I went through it but I don't know how to explain it.

I hope I am not repeating myself, but I would like to share something that I found to be very helpful on the subject of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not based on whether or not the person deserves it, b/c in most cases.....they don't. Forgiveness is based on "us", the forgiver. It is who & what we are, not the one we are forgiving.