Just curious as to why you have broken off contact with W family? I have actually increased my contact with H family to make sure my D does not lose that link. I simply refuse to discuss the situation with H with them and they have respected that.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
My lawyer has not mentioned any new divorce laws. What are they? I broke off contact with my wifes family because I feel my wife's sister was the one who encouraged my wife to move out. I suspect my wife is now angry with her sister for encouraging this move. Her family knew Virginia has been troubled for a good while and never encouraged her to get IC. They did not want to get involved but now they want to and I dont see how they can help now that she is out of the house. I am very angry at her family because when you know your sister or child is hurting you step up to the plate and not turn your back. Bobby O
Bobby, like Albuquerque, I have been wondering for some time why you were refusing contact with your W's family. Is it possible that they want to offer support to you, as my MIL has done from day one, or even apologize for not acting earlier? If there's any possibility of that, I'd like to encourage you to look past your anger and give them a chance. Your children will want to maintain a relationship with their grandparents and the rest of W's family, and your refusal to speak with them will only make that harder. If, indeed, the contact proves to be painful or harmful to you, you can always change you mind.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
I broke off contact with my wifes family because I feel my wife's sister was the one who encouraged my wife to move out.
Bobby I "lived" with this train of thought for a long time. I blamed everyone for MY W actions. It is wrong. Your W, sick or not, MLC or not, is entitled to make her own choices. Even if you SIL suggested it...I bet she did not put a gun to your W head.
Another point I want to make is this - Bobby - this may be an excuse for YOU. YOu see, we often look at our spouses or in this case our spouse "in-laws" and blame them for the breakdown of the M. In one way we are correct; however, we can continue to look and blame OR we can look internally and start to deal with the ROLE that we played in the breakdown. A funny thing happens when you do this...you start to forgive. You start to really understand and you start to make TRUE changes IN YOU. Then again...you can keep blaming everyone else.
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I suspect my wife is now angry with her sister for encouraging this move.
Hey Bobby - if you happen to have a tool that tells you what is in your wife head or how she is feeling can you throw it my way? Seriously, even if you wife is angry...guess what she will need to learn that for every action is a ......you get my point I hope.
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Her family knew Virginia has been troubled for a good while and never encouraged her to get IC. They did not want to get involved but now they want to and I dont see how they can help now that she is out of the house.
Bobby - do you or they think that either of you can fix your W? Have you read the resources that our friend Cadet sent your way. Do you know what to expect when you tell YOUR W that SHE IS WRONG and NEEDS HELP. I'll tell ya...she is going to get pissed off. Bobby she is a grown woman - she can and will make choices that she wants to make. Guess what, you will not nor need to be consulted. Get used to it. Oh...does this change anything that YOU are doing for YOU?
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I am very angry at her family because when you know your sister or child is hurting you step up to the plate and not turn your back
Hplly chit...anger from YOU bobby. WOW - I am happy to see it finally. So everyone need to come to your W rescue now - did you come to her rescue? Here is another question....did you let her rescue YOU...did you let her change YOU...when she would complain about things that you were or were not doing? Did you listen to her? Funny - I bet ya didn't and NOW you want HER to listen to everyone. Wanna know why? Cause YOU WANT HER TO CHANGE ON YOUR SCHEDULE. Sorry buddy it does not work that way.
You can better Bobby - stop f*cking around and get to work. Get to looking at YOU.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I appreciate everyone giving me a reality check. It is sobering and makes me wonder why I am not with the program. In any case, I had phone calls yesterday from my wifes 2 sisters and father. They do seem to have a genuine concern and hope Virginia transitions home. I am going fishing tomorrow and then will go to spend some time with Brian on Saturday.I received a phone call from my wife yesterday saying she would walk the dogs this weekend. I got a chance to see my 2 daughters yesterday and overall it was a good day. I will admit the road is lonely at times but when I feel blue I just transition the negative thoughts out of my mind and keep busy. I am really learning that I can not control how my wife feels or what she does. I can only control me. The hardest part is letting go when you love them. Sometimes we have to let go if it makes them happy. Well big day today. Hope everyone stays well. Bobby O
I am back from having been away the weekend with my son. We had a good time and it was relaxing. My son wants to have a surprise engagement party at my house in 3 weeks. He was concerned because my wife and I are not together. I told him that I felt his mother and I could do this for him and not to worry. He said he wished that his mother and I could mend the fence. He also said that my wife had not contacted him much since he has been home. I told him to call her and just let her know the good news. I reminded him that his mother is in school and that she was busy. I still miss my wife very much but I have not contacted her. Bobby O
I received 2 phone calls tonight about how my wife is stressed out with school and that she needs me to take our youngest daughter places. I have done this gladly for my daughter. I have to work briefly tomorrow night and told my wife that she needs to be available when I am not. It seems as though she has put all her energy into school and nothing else matters to her. She gets annoyed when I cannot help, or thinks I can just drop everything to accomodate her. I used to do that but I have a new job and do not want to create problems of availability because of my daughter.My wife's sister told me that my wife told her she was stressed with school but happy she was in an apartment because there was no conflict. I feel there is conflict because we cannot agree on how to do things. I feel as though all I do is give and she just takes. This was a big problem in our relationship. My son even said this weekend that mom was the taker and never supportive of my career or when things became difficult as marital issues do. She never really tried to sit down to settle issues. I could never complete a word without being cut off by her. It really makes me wonder why I feel so down at times and she just does not care. I know this is MLC and I need to get a life. The question is when will she see the light. This is affecting me, my children, and everyone close to my wife. Its like everyone has fallen off the earth. I really love her and I hate not being able to help her. I know, she has do do this on her own but it is hurting so many people now. Some days I feel very strong and positive and times like now I feel helpless. Tomorrow is another day. Bobby O
that she needs me to take our youngest daughter places.
Why does she assume this? Becasue of her choices she needs YOU to take up the slack for HER life?
Originally Posted By: Bobby
She gets annoyed when I cannot help, or thinks I can just drop everything to accomodate her. I used to do that but I have a new job and do not want to create problems of availability because of my daughter.
So she gets annoyed.
Do you feel you have to do this Bobby?
Why?
This is part of you getting caught up in her crazy making.
IMO you need to get better at recognizing this and stop yourself from trying to rescue her.
THAT dynamic (rescuing and copedendency) is dysfunctional and needs to stop.
You only feel good when she needs you?
Originally Posted By: Bobby
The question is when will she see the light.
She may never Bobby. But you must.
Originally Posted By: Bobby
I really love her and I hate not being able to help her.
She has to do this on her own Bobby. Have you ever read anything on codependency realtionships?
I am speaking as one who knows. Look it up.
There is a book called "Codependent no more" I believe.
You have to draw some boundaries for yourself Bobby
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I picked my daughter up yesterday to take her to dance and she was upset. She would not tell me what was on her mind. I try to stay busy with activities and work. I must admit that today I feel pretty down. I miss being with my wife and children. I hate this separation and the unknown.I feel like my whole world has just stopped. I have known my wife for 30 years and I can not believe this is happening. I can not believe she has no feelings. The worst part is that I do not know if she will ever come back. I continue to pray and hope the love of my life comes back. Bobby O
Hey Bobby hang in there. I have a lot of those days too. Every morning is the same where I can't believe this is happening to my family. You are in the right place. You will get stronger as time goes on. This takes so much time that it is hard to believe that it can get any better. This is precisely why you have to work on YOU. That is a tall order. Working on yourself when the environment stinks is easier said than done. But you have found yourself here. You are given the tools to help you get through. It is great that you keep posting. To me you seem like you are getting stronger although I bet you don't feel that way. Your wife, like mine, is wayyyyyy out there. It will be a while before your wife looks within herself to find the answers she is looking for. If she does not look within herself, she will never see what she needs to see to move forward. You have the upper hand. You have a daughter and a history with your wife that will help pull things back together when your wife decides to look within. I see you registered back in February. That is the month that I got the bomb. I know now this started way before then as I look back. I am guessing it is similar for you. I have also known my wife for 30 years and I see your sitch very much like mine. Again, hang in there. There is much work to be done and you can do it!!
