Bustorama-Thread 1

[bustorama]

OK, so I haven't posted anything in awhile. Here are some updates in my sitch.

1) Had a good joint celebration of D5's birthday party for friends with W and other friends

2) Had a mild fight at D5's "family" b-day party because I almost reneged on agreement to take care of kids while W attended funeral for friend's mom (I had a rare tool moment). I apologized, but unfortunately when I later that night asked W out for anniversary she turned me down. She said she "wasn't up to that yet." Then she said she "she was sorry and wanted to run away" and "felt so anxious." I told her I understood those were her feelings, no worries and changed the subject to something else.

3) Next day W called me apologizing for saying no and said that she had said no cause she had shut down with the fight, that it triggered a flashback of our bad times. I tried to validate. We got off phone and a bit later she calls me back again crying and saying how angry she was at me. That she felt she didn't know who I really was, that there had been the guy she met, and then the "mean" me, and now the "new, nice changed" me and she didn't know which was the real me. I told her I got how this would be very stressful and anxiety provoking for her. I told her I am who I am now and a work in progress. Told her that I felt I was the same fun-loving guy that she first met at my core, but with more life experience, wisdom and better sense of self and relationships.

4) W went to therapy and told me her therapist thought she had aspects of post-traumatic stress disorder that led her to expect and re-experience anxiety even when nothing much was going on in her present environment to justify it. W went back on antidepressants (I think this is her 2nd week back on them).

5) This past week, W told me that she never wanted to go back to feeling out of control, desperate, unable to get out of a bad situation, etc. etc. I nodded and told her I could see why she never wanted to be in a situation like that again, and I never wanted her to feel like that again. I also told her I also never wanted to feel depressed and yelled at again and said I thought it would take a leap of faith for each of us to re-enter any relationship that things would be different, but that I had been working on myself to ensure that my next relationship, whether with her or someone else, would be better.

6) I've been doing lots of GALing and socializing. Joined a running club, lots of time working out at gym, went out for poker night with soem buds, fun happy hours meeting new friends and flirting with singles. I even flirted with my dental hygienist today, lol. Monday night I met a new buddy at Monday Night Football and we spent most of the night chatting up these 3 lovelies from Ireland that were eating it up til 3 am. Tonight I went to happy hour with the running club and stayed after talking to these 2 cuties from the group. One invited me to come running with her on Friday. Definitely felt attractive and some good mojo charging. I'm probably going to commit to running a half-marathon in January (I've run marathons before, but hadn't run at all in the last 3 years up until a couple of weeks ago, so this would be a pretty big goal). I also took my girls camping this last weekend with some buddies and their daughters. Had a great time. Also took D5 to friend's birthday party and socialized with the other parents there. I have a bunch of home projects I want to get going on this coming week. The GAL is going well overall especially this past week, and helping me feel good about myself.

7) W has stopped with the co-dependent requests for help as she's healed more from her surg. She did ask me to help her put some drapes up in her place a couple of weekends ago, which I agreed to and which she seemed real grateful about (she has no clue about any handyman stuff). She asked me if I wanted to stay and watch some True Blood with her afterwards and I watched a couple of episodes then she gave me a DVD from season 1 and said I should watch it and catch up so we could talk about it. I still am not initiating phoning, texting or emailing her. Her contact to me has decreased some from the period during which she was recovering. Still, when it's there, it is a friendlier, less tension-filled vibe than it was in July. No more of the hugs, but I think that may not mean much because perhaps they were just "friend" hugs before anyway. Today, she asked me if I wanted to join her and D's for sushi after we watched D5 in her dance class. I said yeah but then cut out early to go to my running group. We had fun talking at dance class and at sushi. She looks fabulous and I want to do all kinds of naughty things with her, but she's so not there.

I'm so not sure what is in her mind still. It doesn't seem that she is giving any thought to D right now, but she also doesn't want to actively work on the R. It's like she says right now she wants to live her life -- "work on her self, 'heal' from the past, and do family time with me -- and maybe see if her anger and anxiety directed at me subside.

I'd appreciate thoughts from others on if I should just keep staying the GAL, LRT-like course; or if I should play hardball and file for divorce (I don't think so, because I am not to that point yet and I also am not convinced it is what she wants so it wouldn't be a loving thing to do).

An alternative would be to do a 180 and be more involved in her day-to-day life by initiating non-R talk from the perspective that it's not clear that LRT is "working" to draw her in. She is sort of addicted to facebook and spends most of her free time chatting on facebook or surfing facebook. I think LRT isn't that effective with her now because I think she turns to FB to satisfy her need for emotional connection.

I'm having fun GALling and flirting with all these people, but at the end of the day, I'd rather be spending this time flirting with my W. She's just not there (yet?). Is the GAL/LRT/leave her alone and walk my own way still the best way to live?