Newer Game- Moving Forward

[Piano]

CD Bear, keep posting, even if you are moving on. It helps to read how others are handling the process. I found Timeheal's journey very interesting an enlightening for this reason (and now they are dating again!).
How are you actually feeling about her these days? "Disgusting" is how I view what happened to my M, but I prefer not to dwell on it 8 months later if I can help it. Yes, I think the worst is behind you, and me too.
My thoughts are with you.

[PEI]

Hey buddy

Just popping in to say Hi and check up on you ... You sound good.

PEI

[CD Bear]

Hi Piano-

I'll try to keep posting but I think the days of a "locked thread per month" are over for now.

Not much is happening as it is now almost exclusively about me and my growth and changing perspectives.

I have changed my focus to what I'm doing as opposed to her. I know what she's doing. Not the details but I know it's over my boundary so the details don't matter.

I saw something the other day on a thread that I felt was important. "Hope" is the rope. And if you are going to completely "drop the rope" (a HUGE key), then you have to drop the hope.

Hope keeps you stuck. Hope keeps you looking for signs. Hope keeps your mind reading going. Hope keeps you focused on "the good times" and "blaming yourself". For "nice" guys (or girls), hope keeps you focused on "fixing"

Hope is an enemy. The reason I say this is because, until she is standing in your doorway crying and asking to come home, ALL HOPE IS FALSE!!

The sooner you can drop the hope; the sooner you can drop the rope. The sooner the focus changes to you. The sooner the optimism returns. The sooner YOUR fog clears.

And, I believe there are three stages to this.

1-a rebellious, reflexive (possibly with a hint of anger/hurt betrayal) flight from hope.

2-an honest, self-focused, freeing "release" of the hope. It's a realistic, honest undersatanding of accepting "the end game".
It is "letting go"

3-The "advanced, mature" level of stage 2. The MAJOR difference is that now you can also re-introduce compassion, empathy and LOVE for the WAS. (Although they are in the MLC threads, read anything from Missherlove, Truegritter, Steady or Ericmsant2-THEY are in this stage!. If you have ever come across the "Squirrel Analogy", these guys are proverbial "statues" as far as patience is concerned.)

These are, of course, my perceptions of how I have experienced the path (stage 1); where I feel I am now (stage 2) and where I am intending to get (stage 3)

In retrospect, I don't believe there is ANY real hope of a successful reconciliation if the LBS isn't in stage 3.

Perhaps Timeheals can add to this and his experience.

As I haven't entered the "full" stage three (though I feel it coming on), I can't speak for that. But that seems to me (from what I've read, learned and now feel), to be the true goal of this experience.

When you can get to the point of being detached from the hope (thus the outcome) while still experiencing and acting from a loving motive, you are at the point where you can truly make honest, healthy decisions regarding your WAS (if or when they look back toward you)

My experience so far.

I hope that helps someone. I owe a lot of people here for my getting here. If I can get through to someone else to save them even one day of what we've all been through, then it's worth it.

[Piano]

Is it possible to cycle through stages 1, 2 & 3? Or is it only linear?

I have come across the squirrel analogy... I think here on your thread.

I am trying to get my head around how you try attract the squirrel without "hoping" to attract it?

Time, join in!

[FaithnAK]

I saw something the other day on a thread that I felt was important. "Hope" is the rope. And if you are going to completely "drop the rope" (a HUGE key), then you have to drop the hope.

Hope keeps you stuck. Hope keeps you looking for signs. Hope keeps your mind reading going. Hope keeps you focused on "the good times" and "blaming yourself". For "nice" guys (or girls), hope keeps you focused on "fixing"

Hope is an enemy. The reason I say this is because, until she is standing in your doorway crying and asking to come home, ALL HOPE IS FALSE!!

The sooner you can drop the hope; the sooner you can drop the rope. The sooner the focus changes to you. The sooner the optimism returns. The sooner YOUR fog clears.

WOW. You're right Dude.

Very well put.

Thank you for your help. You have come a long way and I just realized my hang up.

Time to end this charade.

Take Care Friend.

[CD Bear]

Going back and forth is referred to as "cycling"

You will find you get glimpses of the next stage; back again; then forward.

You will find that you finally settle into one or the other.

Steady and I worked on the Squirrel.

Another favorite of ours is "The River" of life and "Fruitless Paddling'

One of my favorites.

If I can find it, I'll try to repost our exchange.

[CD Bear]

Faith, did you ever get your Facebook thing fixed?

Did you review that driving article I sent you?

[CD Bear]

Faith-

Time to end this charade.

Remember, how you say things are telling.

Your use of "charade" leads me to feel there may be little anger lurking.

That's "stage 1" talking.

I know that you are close to your D-day.

CALM is paramount at this stage.

The common phrase I hear alot of right now is 'BE STILL' and feel your way through this.

The A is new to you. I know that feeling.

I am two months ahead of you.

Re-read what I wrote.

I'll rephrase.

Your boundary is "open marriage"

WAW is in an A

So, drop the HOPE, and it'll speed your return to focus on you.

YOU are the POINT of this entire process.

You are in the river of life. The current will take you along.

You can guide yourself around obstacles and steer close to the banks for scenery.

However, as Steady and I discovered:

1-You have to keep youe eyes OUTSIDE the boat (M)
2-fighting the current is "Fruitless Paddling'

You are learning quickly (I've seen a few of your posts to others) Keep in mind that, like me, quick learning also means you are experiencing the growth (which is painful) in rapid succession with no time to rest.

BE STILL, my friend.

Take some time to close your eyes to think and FEEL.

[Truegritter]

CD

I like your thought process about this. We all have to come to it our own way.

My definition of hope would differ slightly.

"Hope springs eternal" don't know where that comes from but it's true.

Without hope there is nothing. Your hopes may change through this and you may end up somewhere that you didn't originally hope for...

But it started with HOPE.

The rope to me is not hope it is EXPECTATION. Expectation is created by the mind ....

that is a WANT.<<<<<depends on some outcome or someone else.

Hope is created in the heart and the soul of you. That is the WILL. The will to do it. The possibility it can be done.

Hope cannot be false because you created it from your own truth.

That is just how I see it. You have to define it for yourself.

You are doing good my friend. Keep moving forward.

[TimeHeals]

ALL HOPE IS FALSE!!

LOL.

You crack me up. Hope isn't the problem The problem is that what some people call "hope" is misplaced and foolish optimism, and they refuse to see their situation for what it is.

For example, for prisoners at Auschwitz who survived induction day, the future outlook was not good. You performed slave labor in return for so little nourishment that you were slowly starving, and if you got sick and could not work, then it was off to the showers and ovens for you.

So why didn't they all just throw up their hands, mount an ineffective rebellion against armed captors? Because of hope. Not because the outcome looked good. They were in a place worse than Hell, and they knew it.

Some did survive in the end.

Now... if they were going around saying, "They won't pick me because one of the guards smiled at me, so they like me", that would be unrealistic and foolish. Kind of what folks do here sometimes.

They refuse to see the brutal reality of their situation and accept it and deal with things accordingly.