I'll try to keep posting but I think the days of a "locked thread per month" are over for now.
Not much is happening as it is now almost exclusively about me and my growth and changing perspectives.
I have changed my focus to what I'm doing as opposed to her. I know what she's doing. Not the details but I know it's over my boundary so the details don't matter.
I saw something the other day on a thread that I felt was important. "Hope" is the rope. And if you are going to completely "drop the rope" (a HUGE key), then you have to drop the hope.
Hope keeps you stuck. Hope keeps you looking for signs. Hope keeps your mind reading going. Hope keeps you focused on "the good times" and "blaming yourself". For "nice" guys (or girls), hope keeps you focused on "fixing"
Hope is an enemy. The reason I say this is because, until she is standing in your doorway crying and asking to come home, ALL HOPE IS FALSE!!
The sooner you can drop the hope; the sooner you can drop the rope. The sooner the focus changes to you. The sooner the optimism returns. The sooner YOUR fog clears.
And, I believe there are three stages to this.
1-a rebellious, reflexive (possibly with a hint of anger/hurt betrayal) flight from hope.
2-an honest, self-focused, freeing "release" of the hope. It's a realistic, honest undersatanding of accepting "the end game". It is "letting go"
3-The "advanced, mature" level of stage 2. The MAJOR difference is that now you can also re-introduce compassion, empathy and LOVE for the WAS. (Although they are in the MLC threads, read anything from Missherlove, Truegritter, Steady or Ericmsant2-THEY are in this stage!. If you have ever come across the "Squirrel Analogy", these guys are proverbial "statues" as far as patience is concerned.)
These are, of course, my perceptions of how I have experienced the path (stage 1); where I feel I am now (stage 2) and where I am intending to get (stage 3)
In retrospect, I don't believe there is ANY real hope of a successful reconciliation if the LBS isn't in stage 3.
Perhaps Timeheals can add to this and his experience.
As I haven't entered the "full" stage three (though I feel it coming on), I can't speak for that. But that seems to me (from what I've read, learned and now feel), to be the true goal of this experience.
When you can get to the point of being detached from the hope (thus the outcome) while still experiencing and acting from a loving motive, you are at the point where you can truly make honest, healthy decisions regarding your WAS (if or when they look back toward you)
My experience so far.
I hope that helps someone. I owe a lot of people here for my getting here. If I can get through to someone else to save them even one day of what we've all been through, then it's worth it.
