i think i'm too focused on the void in my life. instead of looking at my heart as a whole, i'm focused on the missing piece in my heart.
if anything, i have to start looking at it from that angle.
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Why do we stop being thankful?
Why do we stop returning the love?
because you realize that you're being taken for granted. because you realize that with all of your best intentions and love/support you've given, someone took advantage of it. and it now rewarding you with crap and attitude. and you feel stupid for actually loving that person.
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Is it really all the LBS's fault?
hell no. it takes two. the WAS is also at fault.
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Did these words make her feel better?
sort of. her words to me were .. your siblings want to support you but find it very difficult to do so. they see you still in love with someone who inflicted so much hurt on to you and they simply don't understand why you want to be treated that way.
i'm losing the fight in me. i am afraid to continue fighting for my m. i may not salvage my m and i may lose my family in the process. i have much to lose. my family is really important to me. even though you may say that family is resilience, they won't forget this. so much shame, hurt, and pain.
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Being OK.. is so subjective. Healthy.. is good. That is really all the doc could "see" you were.
i know there are still a lot of issues i need to sort out. i haven't given myself the time to actually go through the process. i've avoided it .. hoping that it will work itself out. i know i'm not okay on a mental and emotional level.
i can't show weakness. i can't show how affected i still am from this. i can't express myself for fear of being judged. i have to be careful what i say to others .. i can't have my friends worry about me. i can't say how i really feel for fear of how my family will react. i'm trying to make others feel better by having them believe that i'm okay. in other words ... i cannot be me. i feel suffocated.
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The fantastic thing about it is.. you defined "life" a few posts ago.
i don't even remember this.
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You are not quite "Retarded" yet. You act like you are. But you don't really live it yet.
i'm not there yet. i'm still waiting for it to work itself out.
what has me silent for the time being is ... you said something to me a while back that i've been thinking about a lot. you commented that i didn't know what was important to me yet. it was something along that line. the words have been weighing on my mind.
i'm trying to find inspiration that will help me figure that out. i've been keeping my thoughts to myself. i've watched videos from wayne dyer. no effect.
i need some help in this area. i may have to just bite the bullet and think positive. fake it until i make it.
