Thought it was time to start a new thread. Things are changing in my situation but I'm not quite certain what those changes are and what it will mean for the future.
After GAL a lot for the past several days (keeping myself busy during the bombaversary, wedding anniversary, and birthday) I finally have some time to post. My thoughts have been all over the place, as reflected in my posts of the past week. This post is REALLY long! So sorry. It helps to thought process to get this all down.
Here’s what has been happening:
I had been dim with XH since he e-mailed me on 9/3 "Going to the fair this afternoon/evening…with BMF! We haven't spoken eyeball to eyeball in 3.5 months. We have agreed to meet and chat about our differences…..hope that goes well.”
I was angry for two reasons: (1) BMF is a VERY bad influence on XH. (For those of you tuning in late, BMF of 30 years is a narcissist and blocks intimacy in all of XH's Rs with women.) XH started reconnecting with me ONLY after he and BMF split in May, and (2) XH never once tried to "chat about OUR differences" before he steamrolled me into a D. It hurt......... and made me think that XH would never understand that a M or other committed R can't work with a 3rd party in the middle………..
XH texted me at midnight Saturday (4 days ago) to invite me to play table tennis with him. (Interesting that he was thinking about me at midnight.) Two days ago he e-mailed me “BMF and I have mended fences but the "elephant in the room" has not been addressed…..yet to be done.” We played table tennis tonight so this was the first time I’ve spoken face-to-face with XH since the 9/3 “BMF and I are making up” e-mail 2 paragraphs above.
When I got to the community center, XH had arrived a couple minutes earlier. He was a lot like the H I used to know, except he seemed a little subdued. It was very relaxed, easy, and friendly…….just like playing table tennis with a good friend. We chatted while we played. XH told me he is seriously thinking about scheduling knee replacement surgery in the next 1-2 months. He has a consultation with a surgeon this Friday. We talked about pros and cons. I reminded him about my experience following surgery for a broken ankle in 2002 (I was living alone. It was REALLY hard. This experience is what motivated me to begin seriously looking for someone to share my life with.)
As we walked out to our cars I asked XH if he was going to wish me a “Happy Birthday”? He looked genuinely surprised, kind of flummoxed, and said that he had totally forgotten (based on his response, I believe him). He said he was very sorry that he had forgotten, said he wondered why his sister hadn’t reminded him, and that he would make it up to me.
We talked about his mother’s health. When I visited 2 weeks ago she had a “Do Not Resuscitate” wristband on (remaining from her hospitalization earlier in the week). I asked XH if this was a new order. He said yes, that it was. I said “That must have been a difficult decision for you.” He said that it was and it reminded him of when his family had to make the decision to take his twin sister off life support after a car accident when they were both 27 years old……so his mother’s repeated hospitalizations undoubtedly remind XH of his twin sister’s sudden death. He and twin sister were VERY close.
Finally, I took the opportunity to turn the convo to ask “Did you and BMF resolve your disagreement?” To which he said “BMF and I have mended fences but the "elephant in the room" has not been addressed. We have to talk about this. We are getting together tomorrow night and I have insisted that we talk about it then. If we can’t resolve this then, then our it’s over”. I asked XH “What is the elephant in the room (the cause of their rift)?” He said “My R with BMF’s XW”. I said “What kind of R? Are you having a romantic R with BMF’s XW?” ………To this, XH just about choked and said “NO!!! What makes you think that? I’ve always had a friendship with BMF’s XW!” (XH has always maintained a friendship with BMF’s XW. They are kinda like brother and sister. She is not XH’s type. Based on XH’s reaction I really believe what he said…………It’s interesting, because this was one of the possibilities I had considered because she texts XH a lot). I said “I didn’t know what kind of R you were referring to. You’ve always been friends with BMF’s XW! Why would BMF care now?” To which XH replied “BMF told me that it always kind of bugged him, that he never said anything about it before, but NOW it DOES matter to him.”
XH really opened up then and started dishing about BMF. XH went on to say that last May when BMF raised this issue with him, XH had told BMF “Grow up!” and that BMF had responded “F*** you!”. They didn’t speak for 3 ˝ months after that until 2 weeks ago. A week after that blow up, XH returned a $1000 deposit check to BMF for a vacation they had planned to take together this summer………so it’s possible that when XH went on vacation last month he wasn’t actually having the fun time that he had hoped to have.
So the lesson to be learned here is that things are not always as they appear to be and it is counterproductive to make assumptions about situations for which you have limited information. This (9/3 email above) is what put me into a tailspin a couple weeks ago…….It may be that God is planning to use XH’s R with BMF to help XH finish a developmental stage????? I have never heard XH refer to BMF as being the immature, narcissistic person that he is. This is new territory.
Another new development is that three days ago I sent e-mail to XH’s sister (X-SIL) and mentioned I had visited their mother after she was discharged from hospital 2 weeks ago. Early the next morning she replied: “GAG, You said the last time you visited our mother was after she was "discharged from the hospital"? Was she in the hospital recently??!!!!???”. I replied to X-SIL: “Didn’t Mr. GAG tell you that your mother was in the hospital for a few nights while you were on vacation in CO two weeks ago? He asked me not to mention it to you that week because he didn’t want to spoil your vacation and it didn’t sound like it was anything very severe. I just assumed he would tell you after you returned home. I’m surprised he didn’t……….” I haven’t asked you this before because I didn’t want to put you into an awkward position..............but may I ask “How do you think Mr. GAG is doing?” He has been like a different person since he slipped into a depression at the start of 2008 (~6 months before he left). Initially he was agitated and irritable (men express depression this way) but was (and continues to be) secretive and wouldn’t talk about what he was thinking to me. I think his omission in telling you about your mother’s hospitalization and his “break-up” with his BMF are part of this behavior pattern for him. GAG”
…….So I took the opportunity presented by XH’s cognitive lapse to ask X-SIL her perspective about XH’s mental functioning. I’ve only broached this topic with her once before in the past 2 years. She hasn’t replied yet, but did try to phone me on my birthday yesterday and sang “Happy Birthday” on my VM. Maybe I will try to call her back tomorrow.
Sorry this has been so long. It helps to put it all down.
In summary, my sense from the events of the past few days is that XH is REALLY in a pea soup fog. He was always VERY organized,….almost bordering on OCD……….so not remembering my birthday is VERY unusual………and he is experiencing a lot of big, emotional events. My attitude toward him has softened after seeing how decompensated he is, but I feel that I have reached a new level of detachment. I will continue to be a friend, but I don’t think I will be DB’ing as actively as I have in the past.
GAG
Last edited by goodattitudegirl; 09/16/1004:26 AM.
