My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

OK friends - thanks for your support / however I had a slight backslide today. H texted me that he was going to stop by the house to wrap S's ankle before practice. I didn't respond - but on my way home from work I passed his car leaving the neighborhood - driving with his arm outstretched like he was king of the world. So I enter the house where S is sitting on the couch and the first thing I notice is the smell of dog sh** and I look around and there is junk EVERYWHERE!!! So I totally breakdown - sobbing - once again "he'll never want to come back here - I am a failure, I can't do all of this on my own." S is just staring at me - saying mom stop - he is CRAZY!! S puts his arms around me and lets me cry - I feel like a complete pathetic loser. Rationally I know how CRAZY I am acting - but emotionally...crushed!

So, what do I know about this? I know that I am not ready for ANY interaction with H - NONE!!! I can not handle it right now. Hopefully someday I will - but the further away I stay from him the stronger I get. He has stopped wearing his ring - I sometimes feel embarrassed that I am still wearing mine - but I believe that I am still legally married and I will need to behave that way. I am working to keep the house and the kids stable and calm - but I can't always keep it perfectly clean. I am trying my best and trying to keep my kids happy and stable and trying to get there myself. I know that I am still thinking too much about him but that's why I say I need to be as far away from him as possible.

Help friends!