I got your email today Barb and it's so exciting for you and Josh. I'm happy for you and logged on to tell you that.
As far as the kids go, I know they know too much about how our marriages ended. They love us but they know what happened. I see your points here. I KNOW you've tried your best to be fair to them. And by the way, you can call her whatever you wish HERE. I know you don't call her that to them. I don't have to deal with the thing that helped my X destroy my marriage and many of us here also do not. You do. I remember her letter to the editor when she married him. So do your adult children. That's why THEY remain angry. Those things have nothing to do with you.
I find it a bit offensive that he's saying these things, but narcissitic people do just that. Although I think you already have, just let them know that it's ok with you if they have a relationship with him even if it means bearing the presence of his wife. Let them know that you're good if they see his wife. Be the better person. You cannot lose. Everyone can win. Especially the kids. They get so torn. Sometimes I think that the older the kids are at time of D. the worse it is for them. I think your kids know the damage he did. If they knew that you had let it go, they can make their own decisions. Kids know.
