Still trying to find my way

[soleil]

He's trying to talk to you via text... time for YOU to set boundaries. Either you can handle this and you can decide to "be friends" and wait this out... (and trust me, it's NOT easy)... if you think distancing yourself is tough... trying being his "friend" and have him obliviously walking all over your feelings.

Either that or go dark... and set him straight... stop sending me notes, I am not your flippin' buddy.

Yes. To all of this.

[pinhead]

CW and Pinhead, Not sure about that. Still find myself thinking about H an awful lot, just refusing to let myself contact him.

It's also about taking back your self-control. Just because we have a desire/emotion doesn't mean we need to act on it. You're doing great!

[Mystik]

TH ~ Will get working on that.

Abbey ~ Hi! Was wondering where you've been hiding. I agree, H is still all over the place and while he says he's happy, he sure doesn't look it. I just want whatever to do will make him come home sooner. Yes, boundaries do need to be set.

Soleil ~ I'm working on doing what Abbey suggested.

Pinhead ~ Thanks! It's hard but I'm forcing myself to not contact H.

[Mystik]

H called me this morning at ten after seven. I was in the shower, when I saw he called I didn't call him back. So around 10 this morning he texted to say today it today was a day where it would have been more convenient for Whore to pick up DS, considering how I feel about that could he take DS tomorrow instead. I replied back "Fine". I'll have to coordinate with him tomorrow seeing as DS has a doctor appointment at quarter to four, this doctor can run late at times, and H gets out of work at 4:30. He can just meet us there if we're still at the office when he gets done at work. I'll text him tomorrow afternoon on our way to the appointment to let him know.

[Mystik]

I am thinking I might have to take H back to family court, much as I don't want to. I am going to accumulate all the documentation I need to show how much he really owes me as well as how much he's actually paid me. There were a lot of co-pays I never asked him for because I was trying to be nice and win him back. So far I have the papers from the car insurance company, and two of the doctors' offices and one from the pharmacy. Hoping to get the rest by this weekend, then I need to get copies of all my bank statements. I'm going to make copies of everything, give them to H and offer to accept the $769 he owes me for everything and we call it even, or we can go to family court and I will pursue the (most likely) higher amount that is just for DS and then will pursue the car insurance in divorce court. I spoke to the law guardian who advised me to get legal counsel because depending on the judge and his/her mood they could throw out my request for all the back money due. According to the terms in our separation agreement I needed to submit the receipts to him by the end of the month they occurred in, which I have not done. The judge could dismiss it based on that, or could decide to make H pay it all. It depends on the judge's mood and the attitudes of H and I in court. I think it will count against H that he is using the debt he owes me as blackmail to make me file for divorce. I also need to find out from the lawyer if H is responsible for half of DS's school clothes, school supplies and funds for his lunch account at school because the court papers do not specify that. I have an e-mail in to my lawyer to see if she does family law and if she does not, could she refer me to someone who does.

[CityGirl]

IMO this is a fine time to set a boundary with your H. You are not obligated to listen to ONE WORD about OW. And make it clear she is not to pick up your son from school. The audacity of your H to ask you for the SECOND time if OW can pick him up and then ask for yet another last minute schedule change because you won't comply to his demands. No. No. No.

He is trying to guilt you in to allowing OW to pick up your son and it needs to stop. If he is unable to pick up your son on his scheduled days then he needs to change his schedule or skip seeing his son. It is beyond cruel to bring up OW picking up your son again when you made it clear the first time you did not want that. Enough is enough.

IMO you need a good family law attny. 769.00 is way too much money to be owed when the money was spent on your son. Of course he should be paying for a portion of his school needs.

I'm telling you, get this stuff ASAP... once that baby is born money will be tight for them and then you will have a real battle on your hands.

Why have you not been following along with the procedure of sending out the invoices each month? How in the world did you think that would win him back? Being nice will not win WAS deep in affairs back. Set boundaries and tough nuts if he gets mad. You are not a human ATM machine and this is BS.

[Mystik]

I do need to set boundaries with H. I am still struggling with the whole not wanting to make H mad concept.

He knows I don't want to hear anything about OW but he persists because he thinks that if he hurts me enough I will stop loving him and give him a divorce. Sorry, but my heart doesn't work that way. DS originally had an evening appointment for tomorrow that had to be rescheduled by the doctor. Had she not rescheduled it I would have refused his request but all I have planned is a PTA meeting which actually goes smoother without DS there.

I will have all the papers this weekend and no kid running amok so I'm hoping to get it all sorted out this weekend. I honestly didn't pay attention to the court papers and missed the part that said I had to submit receipts to him the same month the expense occurred. Until this past spring when it all blew to hell H was pretty good about paying me. Not all the money he owes is for DS, most of it is car insurance. But I'm sure that will change once I get all the co-pays I never charged him for tallied up.

I was hoping that by not pressuring him for money and being agreeable to his demands was what would make him want to come back to me. That was long before I found this message board.

[Mystik]

The Open House at DS's school is Monday night. I made a copy of the flier and left it in DS's backpack for H to see tomorrow. Last year H and I sat together, visited the classroom together, etc. Not planning on that again this year, will go by myself, sit by myself, meet his teacher by myself. Just don't know how to make it clear to H that I don't want him around me, I know he will probably try to stick close to me. Do I just ignore him, make it a point to keep walking away from him? Hope he doesn't make it too difficult for me.

[bluestar]

Have the L who is handling the D go over the financial stuff you put together as well as your original settlement agreement. Typically, a D attorney handles the financial settlement, custody and divorce all at the same time. I think that you have an opportunity to get a better deal than you currently have. Your H wants to D really, really bad so use that to your advantage.

Secondly, you need to consider that your H just may bring OW to the school Open House. If there is a way to do it in shifts, suggest that you go at one time and he go at the other. I just don't want you to be blindsided at school. Think about how you might handle it if it happened. You need to set boundries with him before Monday so you both know what to expect.

[newmama]

Mystik- you are doing well by ignoring calls and being curt in your responses via text, etc.! I don't comment on the lawyer stuff because that is over my head most of the time. But be prepared for him to give you a backlash not that it matters. Just don't be surprised...at this point it is good to expect the worst so you won't be too disappointed!

I was thinking the other day that this is Hell for some of us. Having a child with someone we planned to spend the rest of our life with, then the person cheats on us and leaves us and moves in with OW, forcing us to share our child with them and we see our child less, become working single parents,BUT THEN add fuel starter to the fire: WE HAVE TO INTERACT WITH OUR SPOUSE because we have children with them.