CityGirl - I tried to understand you latest from what you wrote on the "DB Stats" thread. Are you still on track to be able to file on Dec 1 or is it a new loophole that your H has found to delay?
Thanks for asking! My H contacted me last week with all kinds of news. Legally I am still on track to file Dec. 1. I am sort of all over the place today (all week really) because an issue from my late father's estate cropped up that was really unexpected. My focus is sort of on that right now as I had my first meeting about it this morning.
Maybe I will provide a full update tonight for feedback... I am most certain it's all BS.
I am unclear how he benefits from having things remain frozen as HIS portion is also frozen. It's not like just my portion is frozen. For somebody that is so broke (but just purchased a new BMW and has taken 16 vacations over the course of one and a half years) you would think he would be eager to get his funds.
And yes, I know it's about control. I do think the OW is giving him problems - no way my H would leave the position he had to take a job making less to travel 90% of the time. He told me he did that for "us" (LOL!) when my guess is he needed a way to run from OW.
I know I often come off bitter and sometimes I am. I followed the letter of the law EXACTLY and 10 months after our case was legally declared I am in no better a position I was in almost 3 years ago. It's not an easy place to be because my finances are restricted and despite seeing a financial planner and CPA it's a real strain. I have VERY high medical expenses each month despite having great insurance and it's stressful to worry each month I won't be able to afford meds or labs.
IMHO it is about control, the OW and a small part the ins thing. I think the worse his situation gets with OW the more he's drawn to you. The more he wants you and the less he wants to lose you. What he doesn't realize is that blocking the D against your wishes and pretending to 'help' you monetarily when he feels like it is not going to help his case.
I mean generally speaking I will always wish for everyone to reconcile but some people are just too emotionally abusive. What he's put you through and yet karma hasn't eaten him up alive is mind blowing. Every step you take and there's a road-block goes back to him- including today!
Last edited by ImprovedRomeo; 09/15/1009:58 PM.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Last week, this week and especially today have been very, very bad. I don't expect anybody to actually read all of this but maybe I will feel less twisted if I write it all out. Sorry if I seem vague about the estate stuff but right now I need to sort of keep that private due to the nature of the issue.
My dad passed away in 2006. Several years prior to his death he made a real mess of his life from drinking. My sister and I nearly killed ourselves trying to get him help. It was not a one time offer to help him but ongoing for years. Eventually for our own sanity we had to detach. My dad was very sick for a long time and refused to take care of himself. No amount of begging or pleading or support or tough love made a bit of difference. When he died his affairs were a MESS. It took me months and months to sort it out and it was very emotionally draining and upsetting on every level. It was doubly stressful as I was diagnosed with Lupus six days after my dad died and had been going through invasive testing for months prior and my body was just exhausted. My mother in law also got very sick at that time, my H shut down and I just felt like my world was spinning out of control. My sister had such a hard time even being around my dad the last few days of his life I was the one who spent all the time at the hospital, talking to dr's, attny's and planning the funeral by myself. It was fine - she was just too sad to help.
My sister had a very hard time with my father's death (I did too). She is my "baby" (and only) sister. She is 32 and I am 35 and her and I have been best of friends our entire life. We have never had an argument until today. It was explosive and I am sick about it.
A few weeks ago it came to light there was a major component of my father's estate that has not been settled. When I found out I was shocked and I do mean shocked. My mom, sister and I had a family meeting and talked about everything. My sister got VERY upset at the meeting. I was upset too but yelling and crying about it won't help out, right? My sister worked with a grief C for a long time after my dad died but she still has a really hard time.
My sister said it would be best if I handled all of this but she would come along just to sit in on the meeting and offer support. So, I spent hours with a CPA last week trying to understand/learn what had to be done. I talked to the administrator from his old job for hours last week getting info, scanning it and copying it. I did hours of research online and had a color coded binder. I wanted to make this as easy as possible on her but I guess I didn't do a very good job.
This morning we had to go get my dad's death certificate. I had a bunch of copies but not any certified ones left. Of course this is upsetting but we needed it. Then we got lost trying to find the estate attny's office because my brother in law said "turn on the fourth street" from City Hall and my sister thought he meant 4th St which DOES NOT EXIST (lol!). Of course this added stress.
We chose this attny because my sister's co-worker's partner works there. This is not her area of law so we met with her partner. I am sorry to say but this guy was an ass. The second I walked in the law firm I got a strange vibe and the second I met him I just did not like the energy put out. So it was me, my sister, my mom, the lead attny and the other attny at the table.
I don't claim to be smart but I know I can't be as stupid as this attny made me feel. He asked me to start the meeting by giving him as much background as I could. So I did and my sister got mad that I was "talking" about dad. I was not being ugly or unkind but I was trying to explain why we are in the position we are in.
So we get to the brass tacks of it all and he is rambling off 40 million complicated scenarios which don't sound ANYTHING like he told me on the phone and nothing like what the estate CPA said. Each time I would ask a question to clarify he would say "you are missing my point"... he said this about 25 times to EVERY question! I finally said that I know I was missing his point(s) which is why I am asking him to help me understand!
By now my head is spinning because I am trying to follow along and trying to support my sister and this rude ass attny is rambling on and I am just trying to keep up! This issue is going to be very, very complex and now my H might be "entitled" to something because my dad died while we were married!
I have to spend all day tomorrow getting more info to get to him by Friday. Next week after he does step 1 we will know more. Of course, he can't tell me a price or timeline.
We leave the attny office and I suggest we go to lunch to just chill out and regroup and think. We walk to a restaurant and we sit down and my sister starts flipping out ON ME because I said I did not like how the attny would not explain so I could understand. Since it's ME attached to all of this as "lead administrator" I think I have that right! She got so mean and snotty talking about wills (my father did not have one) and how I just asked questions because I hate attnys and just on and on and on. Then she LEFT the restaurant before our lunch arrived and took off walking. She made such a scene and nearly shoved my mom right out of the booth to get out! My mom goes running around to look at her and I am trying to cancel our lunch order but the server said it was too late so I had to WAIT in this teeny tiny crowded restaurant w/everybody looking at me and wait for the food so I could pay for it and get it to go.
I am standing there like an ass - in tears and shocked and just lost on WTF is happening. I called my sister 10 times and she refused to tell me where she was and informed me she would be WALKING 30 blocks to work and she is not speaking to me and how snotty I am.
Now look - I busted my ass for a week trying to fix this so she would not have to be involved but still benefit ON HER REQUEST.
So now I have a huge legal battle in front of me (again), my sister who is mad at me and not a clue as to what has happened.
I am sick about this... and I come home to an empty house and wonder WTF went so damn wrong in this life. I mean I did what she asked and now she is mad! I have no idea if she got to work okay or what! She is supposed to come for dinner during her break but I doubt she will show so what to do? I drove around looking for her for a long time but could not find her!
I know I sound childish but I am so tired of *stuff*... the divorce, the medical stuff, this estate stuff... I am just fit to be tied. I feel like I am always facing the world alone and somehow I just have to keep plowing along. I am just heartbroken.
I had a horrid nightmare last night (I never have nightmares) that me and my dad and my H were locked in a tiny church and there were 1000's of attnys yelling at us.
I swear - I held in SO much anxiety about having to deal with another attny so my sister would not worry.
I will write out the stuff about the divorce business later... thanks for listening.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult couple of weeks. The main thing to focus on is controlling your anxiety and stress which does not mix well with Lupus.
Do you hate attorneys?
Quote:
Why aren't there any postage stamps honoring lawyers?...
Because people wouldn't know which side to spit on.
Cute joke! No, I don't hate attnys. I did have anxiety about today because I was having "flashbacks" about seeing my divorce attny for the first time which was traumatizing to me.
I can feel my body burning (lupus) so I know I need to regroup but within a few hours I can feel it.. nothing new, I will survive. Next week I get my monthly labs/tests which will pair nicely with all this estate bs AND having to deal with H.
I want a martini! I have cried more this past week ( and today) than I have in a long time. I feel like I am a mess and I have never seen my sister so upset! I mean, what did she think I wasn't going to ask about certain things? She TOLD ME to do to this!
Oh, CG. That had to be so hard. And what a logistical nightmare trying to figure all of the estate stuff out. Ugh!
Sorry things did not go well with your sister. I have an oldest sister who is very touchy and gets angry. Many times I have been in public and she has started yelling/cussing at my mom about something. Totally humiliating! Not the same but still, I empathize.
Hopefully things will work out ok with the estate. I hate it when people patronize me/talk down to me!
There have been a number of times in the past couple years when I have come home to an empty house and wished there were someone there to just give me a hug and let me lean on them for awhile...
CG, I know it feels personal, but I think the trick is to try not to take your sister's actions and words personally. She is fighting a battle within herself, and you are the easy target. You are big sister, the one who takes care of things, and somehow, in her mind, you didn't protect her from this. It's not your fault! Take care of yourself, your health. The rest will work itself out.
