How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Kara and pearlharbr

I'm trying to recapture the person I was before my H became central in my life. I'm realizing that I loved him too much, if that's possible, that I was so happy to be his wife I quite gladly put my own personality on a back-burner, especially since we had children.

I had activities that I enjoyed and which I let slide to fit in with his scedule (frequent absences from home, working in the evenings and weekends and summer holidays). He never asked me to do this, it came naturally, but if it made life easier for him and he appreciated it at first, I think, if I'm to be brutally honest, it eventually made him lose sight of me as a person in my own right. He started to take me for granted, at some stage over the last 2 or 3 years. I must have stopped holding an interest for him.

I am a good mum, our children are polite and calm and balanced (well, lately it's a little different...). But as a wife, I just existed: went to work, brought home a good salary, did housework and cooking,did grocery shopping and was generally around the house like a kind of superior electrical appliance - "efficient, discreet and so quiet, you wouldn't even know it was on!" I didn't impose anything on him: I'd give in to watching what he wanted on the TV - or go read a book, accept when he wasn't in the mood to go out of a Saturday night even if I was, let him carry the day where holiday destinations or cinema trips were concerned... He didn't force me, I just behaved as if he were more important. I now realize that I actually didn't even invest much space in my own house, never stretched out on the couch by the TV, rarely sat out in my own garden. All of this seems to have made me lose interest in his eyes.

Missing him and feeling sad and worried about the outcome have made me a bit lethargic, but I'm coming back to the surface, slowly. I have changes I want to make around the house and garden, so that'll give me lots to do.I also have to take stock of how I contributed -without malice and through loving too much -to the mess we're in. I hate conflict; in my work, relations with difficult teens are often a bit of a power struggle, so I wanted peace and harmony at home. My father used to repeat a phrase that sums it up: "anything for a quiet life!" I avoided disagreeing or showing discontent so as not to "lose" his love, and so brought about what I most feared. I realise that if I'd stood my ground a few times over important things, he'd have had more respect for me as a woman and wouldn't have felt so entitled and available to cheat. When my sister married in Ireland in July 2004, I was matron (!) of honour. My family is not very big, my husband was expected to attend. But because it was high season for him, he refused point blank to go. So I went with the children (7,4 and 1 at the time). I felt rotten being the "old maid at the wedding and being alone to manage 3 small children and try to smile in the photos in my long frock. My family were offended, but I defended my H and his heavy workload. After that, I found myself alone at several family functions here, for the same reason. His nephew's 20th birthday party, his sister's 50th... His own family didn't let on at the time, but found it bad form he didn't turn up. Not to mention functions related to my own activities or work, where I came alone while others brought partners. Then if we did go together to some party or function, he very often headed off to be with pals and did not even keep a place at table for me. I noticed all this, but made excuses for him. If I said anything to him, he'd say "but I can talk to you every day". Even in the street, he'd started to walk several metres ahead of me. To be fair, I often had the youngest by the hand, so walked more slowly.

All these clues are surfacing now, and I realize that I sold myself short in our relationship. This might have been why I put on the weight I've lost again lately. I needed solace but didn't see that. But he was also very loving to me and showed every sign of being happy. He just got used to taking me for granted and I ended up not attracting him anymore (?). I can't tell what processes went on in his mind, but it seems logical: he was sure of me, I didn't keep him on his toes and he just lost interest.


Therefore, I suppose the best way forward is to follow a course that helps me re-invest my life and express my own desires, while distancing myself from him when possible; maybe it works as with kids: they get tired of some toy, you put it away and let them rediscover it a few months (years?) later, and it's like a new toy again, they want it and play with it anew... I've a hell of a journey before he wants me or plays with me again. I'll have to renew myself in every sense.

Pearlharbr, what you say is true; I loved someone, but the individual who goes under that name now, who's been so blaming, high-handed, insensitive, cruel and dishonest bears only a physical resemblance to my love and I wouldn't want to spend much time in his company. I just wonder if the man I loved is still there, like the dark side of the moon.

He came this morning, to collect younger kids and use the computer - doesn't have Internet where he is as yet. Was extra pleasant (I mean, sought me out when I took my coffee into the garden to avoid him, praised what I was doing with my boy (7) as he arrived, offered spontaneously to go halves on a bill he found on the kitchen table-getting him to be fair in the money dept. has been like getting blood from a stone -etc.). Kissed me chastely on arrival, although he'd said he wouldn't any more. I stayed bright and breezy. Don't understand this change, am lucid enough now not to imagine anything really positive. He came back this aft to get something he'd forgotten. My eldest was home, he tried to speak to her but she said "hello" and then went on with homework. That hurts him, but so be it, he let her down.The man who used to grumble about taking me to the station in the morning now makes the same journey twice in one day, can't keep away. He came here on Monday, I left for work and when I got home on Monday eve, I saw he'd been here a good part of the day.
Says he's happy in his flat but I wonder.

So these are my news and reflections today. Just writing it down helps to clarify things in my mind.
NCU