For LBS: Unhitch your wagon from the MLCer . Let go. Treat him/her as a roommate with issues. Think back to how you interacted with your roommate/housemate. Did you worry about his/her actions and how you would respond to them? No. Likewise with the MLCer.
Make your own life plans. Do not let life be "suspended" by the MLCer. Continue with your activites and especially surround yourself with friends & family for some levity! MLC is a real drag!
For MCLers: The journey must continue without outside interference UNTIL acceptance and integration takes place. As Cyrena eloquently stated in her posts, MLCers need to resolve their issues on their own terms however long it may take. If they were like me, we don't like being told what to do or not to do. It was a painful time for us (yes...we feel internal pain) despite outward appearances of "living it up" with the OW/OM/OP. The exception would be if your spouse has a NPD.
The integration process is essential to returning to full emotional maturity and re-engaging in the marital relationship along with family members. I was very fortunate. Snodderly's XH seems to be a rarity...still "stuck" even 10 years on. It sems to me that he exhibits an extreme unwillingness to work on his issues or resolve them.
Cyrena,
Quote:
Should he drive his car into a tree on the way to work?
In my case, it was the guardrail on a fairly busy highway. My mind was so befuddled thatfor a brief split-second contemplated driving into a guardrail head-on. It was a scary time for me.
MLC Spouses,
Don't read too much into the timeline of bomb dropping. Some occur at the very beginning of MLC and others near the end of the MLC. All are dependent on how far the MLCer has struggled with internalized pain and confusion. For me, my MLC started in 1999 and I struggled and struggled. When it all became too much, the bomb dropping occurred without ceremony or any forewarning in May of 2003.
For an onward integration process, it appears that the average lifespan of an MLC is 3 to 5 years. The key to pinpointing the time your spouse's MLC started is when the actual traumatic event took place. That should be a good yardstick in terms of gauging the average MLC journey.
