On two ends of the world..

[FaithnAK]

I think that CBT that Coach recommends is a godsend.

What is this CBT you speak of?

[FindingMyVoice]

It's more "redirecting" your emotions by thinking of something more pleasant. TEA...

It's not that at all. It's thinking thru why you feel a certain way, understanding it then challenging that thinking to find a better outcome.

Oh thank god... I was worried I STILL had it wrong. Thanks Coach.

[KellBell0820]

KellBell, asher,
if you want to try the CBT on yourself, I came across this website:
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Self-Help Resources

Thank you so much Coach for pointing me to look into CBT! I've been thinking this morning about the issue with controlling my emotions and I thought that I really have no idea how to tackle it. Now I found this and it looks like a good starting point.

Thanks for the link Ris! This definitely looks like a good starting point.

[ris]

FMV, great to see you as always I just got the book yesterday and only read the introduction so far. Definitely rang true in moments, I'm looking forward to the rest of it.


I actually had quite a revelation today regarding the TEA. I was walking home from work (a lot of my fruitful thinking seems to happen when walking :P ) and thinking about my soon approaching birthday and the fact that if the situation doesn't change from what it is now, I probably won't get any bday wishes from H. It made me sad and I thought of what we did for his bday and at that point I was so upset I had tears in my eyes.

Then I thought again of the fact that I get to the point of tears so easily and the whole problem of controlling my emotions. I asked myself: What should I have done in order not to get so upset? I retraced my thoughts and it hit me: I deliberately made myself upset over this! A bit of it was the "poor me" thinking, but also I developed the notion that if I face the most upsetting thoughts, I will eventually become numb to them and they won't hurt anymore. I recognized that I use this pattern of thinking negative things as a coping mechanism. I'm not sure what to do with this discovery yet, but I think it's causing me more pain than good.

Following TEA cycle thory, now that I realized what thoughts are causing my emotion, I need to challenge my thoughts. This page explains it very well I think.

[ris]

I think that CBT that Coach recommends is a godsend.

What is this CBT you speak of?

It's Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you read posts on the previous page you can see the discussion about it.

[FindingMyVoice]

...also I developed the notion that if I face the most upsetting thoughts, I will eventually become numb to them and they won't hurt anymore. I recognized that I use this pattern of thinking negative things as a coping mechanism.

Great insight ris. Keep posting as you uncover how you'd like to use your new discovery. Hey thanks too for that link. Looks like it's got some resources for assertiveness that I'm going to explore.

PS - When's your birthday? Are you able to say? If not, I'll wish you a very happy birthday right here and now! I hope you have a wonderful day. Plan something special for yourself - you deserve it!

[ris]

Thank you FMV! My bday is on Monday. I'm going for a trip this weekend as a sort of present to myself, I probably won't do much on the day.

My H seems to think that my GAL is "trying to show him", because the last few days he posted a few mysterious statuses on FB saying that he enjoyed himself last night and then that he's looking forward to Saturday, but never disclosing any details of what he's actually doing. It feels like he's trying to one-up me...

I think it's bad thinking though (and possibly mind reading) so I'm trying to redirect those thoughts and instead be happy that he's doing something for himself instead of being stuck at home and depressing. (It's not easy when I wish he was missing me and not be out having fun. There, I said it.) I'm not sure if that's the right route of challenging my thoughts but I guess we'll see.

I've been trying to pay attention to my negative thoughts in general and see "where they come from" but it's hard to find weak spots there, the whole flow of thoughts makes so much sense. Maybe I need to start writing them down so that they're not so elusive.

[FindingMyVoice]

Good morning Ris! Good for you - sounds like a great way to spend the weekend.

Great plan too, to pay attention to the negative thoughts. My IC had me do something similar about negative emotions. Whenever I had negative emotions, she'd tell me to name it, write it down and then also write the thoughts and/or event that preceded it. I did this for a couple of days. It really helped me to see some patterns forming. (That's how I figured out that suppressing my anger and hurts 'in the moment' ended up coming out later, as tears and upset over other inconsequential, unrelated events) Don't know if that 'structured' of an exercise would work for you but thought I'd suggest it.

Sounds like you're doing well today. I hope the PMA continues through your weekend trip! Cheers, and happy birthday again!

[soleil]

Ris, it sounds so exciting to get away for the weekend. Are you going somewhere new? Are you going alone or with friends?

[ris]

There's one thing about "terms" of our non-speaking that I don't like. I think it comes across as a hostile "I don't want to talk to you". But the way I feel about it is kind of a friendly "I am not starting conversations with you because I want to give you space to talk to me when you feel like it". Non-pursuing, but nice, friendly and upbeat.

At the risk of mind reading, I'm pretty sure that the first one is how H perceives it. I don't think that's good, but I'd like someone else to chime in?