hoosiermama? I AM!!

[hoosiermama]

once again,on the horns of a dilemma.

this evening D14 sat down in tears and just vented--I knew that was coming. she and xH are fighting again--I knew that was coming too. she's amazingly articulate in talking about her feelings...but he shuts her down, interrupts, demeans, and argues. and she does a darn good job of using appropriate language, considering her age: "when you -----, I feel ----." and of all people, he should know you don't argue with that statement or criticize feelings. heck, D14 knows that and she doesn't have any credentials....so one of the things they've been fighting about is his trip with gf, and how he didn't bother to tell D how long he'd be gone until the morning he left, and how D feels she comes in second to gf ("well, to any girlfriend he has, obviously, but at least this one makes sure I get some time alone with Dad....") and she's seriously stressed--to the point of tears--about the lack of communication between xH and me. he prefers to communicate with me through her, and for 2 years I've been telling him that that's inappropriate for about a million reasons. and he tells her that he's given me information that he hasn't, and then gets angry because I don't read his mind...and D's in the middle. and he has told her I'm demanding too much information (and all I'm asking for is to know when she's coming and going, and that he's going to be out of town for >10 days!) here's last night's email exchange:

me: "D broke down tonite and had a chat with me; the way we communicate is stressing her out. she was very clear that she does not want to be the go-between and wants us to communicate directly, because she feels like it's too much pressure on her and not something she should be doing. these are her words, not mine, and she initiated the conversation as she was headed to bed--not in response to anything I said." (yeah, defensive...but necessary explanation)

xH: "Great, I agree D should not be in the middle."

that's all. how incredibly frustrating. I'm talking not just to a brick wall, but one with a mirror attached that throws back everything I say without absorbing a bit of it.

I've suggested to D that she talk with the counselor at school. there are undoubtedly things that she doesn't feel comfortable talking with me about (or burdening me with, knowing her), and maybe that will help. we had the talk, once again, about calling me to come and pick her up...and I broadened it to any situation--friends, parties, whatever--and made a covenant out of it. this isn't as icky as the whole situation with OW, but I know they fight whenever she's with her dad, and she may just need to get away from it...because he won't give her space. he follows her into her room even tho she closes the door, and gets in her face. same thing he did with me when he was angry, often backing me literally into a corner. and for all his jargon and credentials and education--he knows exactly what he's doing when he provokes and controls like this. I'd bet anything he wouldn't do it in front of gf, tho...so I'm hoping this moves along for D's sake.

and I returned the email (above) this afternoon with the question: "so, would you please let me know when you're picking her up this afternoon?"

no answer.