Yes, I read DB and DR and they didn't work for me in terms of saving the M. They did work for me in terms of saving myself. The don't pursue, going dark, GAL lessons shifted my focus on continuing to find some magic bullet to convince STBXW she was wrong to focusing on myself.
Of course, I still focus too much on STBXW. I agree with the above post. I don't know if I'll ever be 100 percent done until one of us dies.
I think I'm also "pushing away" rather than "letting go," but that's what's working for me now.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Sometimes, things can turn around when they seem bleakest.
Ask Coach & Greek.
But that doesn't mean you don't accept that things are bleak and deal with the reality of your situation. Accept what is happening. So long as you tune into your ego and your actions are driven by your feelings alone, you are likely to make things worse.
Detaching and working on YOU is good no matter what happens.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I agree that detaching is necessary. I know I found it that a monumental task.
I was doing quite well for many, many months when my H contacted me again on our anniversary. I calmly told him I did not feel further contact was appropriate and to please respect my feelings. I blocked him from my phone so he went to e-mail. I asked him once again to respect my boundaries and blocked him from e-mail. Then he called his attny to let him know *I* was violating the separation agreement (our agreement states we cannot block necessary communication - sadly "necessary" is not defined clearly - with one another regarding marital or financial business). No more money to fight or respond via the attnys, in large part because my H found a loophole to keep our assets frozen.
Healing and detaching go hand in hand (for me at least) and I needed space after a very long legal battle to regroup and detach and rebuild. Any contact with him sets me back because I am not quite at the point where he doesn't upset me. I can spot "script" a mile away on any thread - I need to polish my skills in that area with my own H.
So we keep working and making our goals and learning from our setbacks and celebrating our victories.
Actually, I got a rather monumental settlement but it's currently frozen. I know that won't be forever but I have struggled greatly due to this.
My H actually had his attny send a letter out saying due to my H's job change (he now is traveling 90% of the time and took this job recently knowing he will be paid LESS) he is going to petition the court to be excused from divorce proceedings. Since we have a Separation Agreement in place I technically don't have much leeway to fight that since "on paper" I am protected and he "on paper" is doing nothing wrong.
^ I hope you get your settlement soon. Why is it frozen?
Originally Posted By: M from Tennessee
All that's great..I can tell you this..which I heard once from a wiseman...who had lived, worked, supervised and listened to women all his life...he told me during my D..
"once they have lost that lovin' feelin, they are gone, gone, gone"
and that's the truth..
ITA. Once someone wants out... it's Goodbye and head for the EXIT sign. Trying to smother someone so they stay is NOT the answer, hence "letting go."
I once read something similar..."Once someone gets a little escape velocity going, ain't no play in the world that will keep them from leaving."
So. Damn. True.
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
The odd thing is once all that settles down and the case is "done" it's amazing how things shift. 36 months later my H is now telling me he does not want me to file for the divorce (we are legally separated and I can file in about 8 weeks). He has take a job that will have him traveling 90% of the time (guess things aren't going so good with OW living in his house, lol!) and he wants us to talk about "our" problems and date.
Seriously, CG. We need to make a book called The WAS' of DB and on every page have a different ex on it along w/ their bio.
I am unclear how he benefits from having things remain frozen as HIS portion is also frozen. It's not like just my portion is frozen. For somebody that is so broke (but just purchased a new BMW and has taken 16 vacations over the course of one and a half years) you would think he would be eager to get his funds.
And yes, I know it's about control. I do think the OW is giving him problems - no way my H would leave the position he had to take a job making less to travel 90% of the time. He told me he did that for "us" (LOL!) when my guess is he needed a way to run from OW.
I know I often come off bitter and sometimes I am. I followed the letter of the law EXACTLY and 10 months after our case was legally declared I am in no better a position I was in almost 3 years ago. It's not an easy place to be because my finances are restricted and despite seeing a financial planner and CPA it's a real strain. I have VERY high medical expenses each month despite having great insurance and it's stressful to worry each month I won't be able to afford meds or labs.
Julia 40%?? WoW, I had at least 200 posters posting to me through the 72 threads, I think around 6-7 max did reconcile...
Coach and Greek were lucky to not have another person involved. Coach tackled this sitch with a clear head, head on, he made the right moves at the right time. Not all cases have the same level of difficulty. OPs perplex things a lot and that usually means a lot of time is required because it is not only your R that has to be changed, it is another R that you have no control over that has to die....
I believe men do not leave if there isnt another person. I believe women that are "done done" and the bomb isnt just their way to provoke change, wont look back.
I am now reconciling and as my friend Mike says, I am always worried I am settling. We are not "there" yet and dont knwo if we will get there, I know that DBing (at first without knowing about DBing then finding this site), helped ME to regain my sanity and be patient and be careful. I had time to figure what I was fighting for, I had time to strip him from his good and "Admire him" at his worst. I even had the opportunity to fall in love with a wonderful man and THEN had to force myself to get my head out ofthe clouds. VERY difficult. BUT I did it.
I see people making rules, plans, giving strict instructions to newbies, refusing to help if the newcomers wont "listen to them"... I think that is too much. People advise newcomers to involve kids with the infidelity, kick them out, bust the affair, etc etc. Although several of the above did work for me, they will not for everyone. I am worried when I read some posts.I prefer not to interfere, but I would advise everyone to be very careful when advising newcomers. When people are hit by the bomb, their heads dont work properly and would do anything a "successful DBer" suggests... At least many of the newcomers.
I believe IF there is chance, DBing works. If the WAS is not too far gone, DBing will give you a second chance. And of course, timing and luck are important. K
