I agree with Kat. You can't live your life worrying that if you ask for something or say something that he is going to walk out on you. I think you should have a serious honest talk with him and as Kat said, leave out the emotion as much as possible. He may welcome a frank open discussion with you, one that doesn't put him on the defensive, merely lets him know how you feel and the valid reasons why you are not asking him for help.
Mish, it sounds like he was actually upset that you DIDN'T ask him for help? So maybe you are underestimating his desire to be more of a partner to you than you think he is capable of.
In your old R, he said you asked for too much. Well, this is a new R. And besides, when a spouse leaves, we have read so many various reasons/rationales they give, it doesn't mean any of them are true. I mean, come on. My ex says I wasn't supportive of his dreams and yet I moved 9 times in 11 years for his job?? Just because he said he didn't want you needing him then, doesn't mean he isn't capable, and desiring, to be helpful now...
I think he wants to feel needed. He's working a crappy job cuz he screwed up his career, he needs to be needed and appreciated somewhere.
That may be what he said when he left, but his actions while you were S, D, and now living together have said that he missed being a family guy, that he wants to be part of his son's life, and that he likes doing things for you.
Maybe what was missing before was the appreciation he needed in his love language?
But I also vote for TALKING to him about it.
You keep complaining that you guys don't communicate, so start breaking down those barriers slowly!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I've been thinking about that. Why am I scared to talk to him about any of this? You know what? It's not because I'm afraid of him leaving. I'm afraid that I'm going to lay myself bare in front of him and express how I feel about him and he's going to laugh in my face and stammer about this being really fun but he doesn't think of me that way.
More rejection that I just can't handle.
So yeah, that's my fear and it's stopping me from talking to him about anything or expressing myself.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
That's why you do it 1) slowly and 2) with no expectations. You don't have to lay your whole soul bare in one conversation. And you shouldn't, that would be overwhelming for both of you.
But you have to do something to make things change.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” Dr. Seuss
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thanks Dagny. I'm having an absolutely horrible day but I'm trying to find a way around it.
I broke down last night in bed crying as silently as I could. Gabe asked me what was wrong but I couldn't speak right then and it was after midnight so I was very tired. This morning I managed to hold it together. We went to a local arts and crafts festival and then fishing. It was nice and all was ok. Then the crap hit the fan. We got home, I logged in to my email and there was a "Happy Anniversary" email from a radio station that I had registered with several years ago. That broke me.....right in front of Gabe. I was blubbering so hard and I could seem to stop it. It was totally humiliating. I told him that today would have been our 17th anniversary and it still meant a lot to me but it was painful. He got all upset and mad and kept saying he was sorry, it was all his fault and he was an idiot. I told him that my being upset was not his fault. I was more upset with myself that my heart wouldn't let go of the date. It wasn't a pretty picture. I went and sat next to him on the couch and laid my head on his should and he kissed the top of my head. It was comforting and nice and I decided that if ever there was an appropriate time to let my guard down a little more it was then when we had a close moment and could possibly speak openly.
I asked him what he thought this relationship between us was and if he saw it heading somewhere. His response?
"I enjoy being with you and Marc. I feel comfortable with you and I like hanging out with you and doing stuff together. Why does it have to be going anywhere? Why does there have to be a label on it?"
That was all I needed to hear. I now understand. I'm a comfortable place to be, not the person he wants to be with. He doesn't love me. I just got very quiet and just said, "Apparently I feel more for you than you do for me." I got up and left to pick my mom up from dialysis.
So, the status quo is all I'll have with him. I have to figure out now if I can live with no love, but having some companionship and a live in co-parent or if I need more than that at some point in my life. Not sure how to handle that if I decide that but I don't know if I can do that to Marc. Asking his dad to leave because he can't love me seems totally wrong to me. That would be a horrible thing to do to my child. That would be putting my own happiness above his wouldn't it? Isn't that what his dad did to him? What a sh!tty way for his parents to treat him.
CRAP! This SUCKS!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mish, wording that way does sound like you would be selfish but that doenst mean selfish is wrong. So, lets say, his dad finds someone else he loves and moves out in a year, would that be fair for Marc?
But, on the other hand his asnwer isnt one that necessarily means he doenst love you. In fact if you have courage and strength it gives you room to do all in your power to change it. He loves you but you feel isnt in love with you. So, where does that leave you? Think about it. You can stay this way or try to build on it. It's like, DAY 1 but with a much better "equipped" and wiser mishka. Hugs K
