Hello Upside and Hiswife, Snodderley has said that if they return before they have worked through their crisis they run again at some point. I also think that there is a state of 'stuckness' for many of them. They cannot work through the crisis because they cannot get beyond a certain point.
My husband did not choose us over himself, and he ran hard and fast, but I can see that the living ghost situation and the fence sitting is not good.
I think we have to focus on our selves, not in a selfish way, but surely not treating the other person in a marriage like a human being, not being committed and loving, is a form of emotional abuse, which is damaging to us.
Infidelity is also emotional abuse. I wish more people would see that, and see that it traumatizes the spouse who is abandoned. If a spouse hits their partner we can see it is abuse, but infidelity is also a tremendous blow, for which there is also no excuse. There may be reasons, but it should never be justified.
Hiswife - your husband is present in the body, but emotionally absent. Perhaps it would be better if he did go. I know that is perhaps not good DBing, but 9 years is a long time to live with an emotional zombie, and must be a most terrible strain on you and your family .
My heart really goes out to you and your courage in tolerating this.
Infidelity is also emotional abuse. I wish more people would see that, and see that it traumatizes the spouse who is abandoned. If a spouse hits their partner we can see it is abuse, but infidelity is also a tremendous blow, for which there is also no excuse. There may be reasons, but it should never be justified.
Thank you for your kind words. I dont really feel that I have any courage. Courage to me at this point would be walking away. That would take courage. Staying in this emotionally stagnant life is the cowards way out. I dont upset the apple cart so to speak for myself my husband or my children.
I find myself wishing that he would cheat on me again....that would give me the push I need. But it is like he has promised us both that he will not go there...in exchange for this....
Thank you for this thread. I hesitate to start my own as I dont want to discourage any of the newbies but I no longer believe that a marriage can or should be put back together after infidelity. I know there are exceptions but generally.....
I held on so tight to the DB methods and they got me thru the hardest time in my life.....now I think I need to let them go.
What can I say? I have been helped immeasurably by two women who both put their marriages back together after their husbands' infidelity. But as a wise man I know said - there has to be repentance.
It is hard to rock the boat and walk away from a long marriage. It takes courage to stay, and courage to go.
I would never say that marriage cannot survive infidelity, but to do so, BOTH the marriage partners have to recommit fully to the marriage. Your husband sounds as if he is in a 9 year sulk. Have you tried to simply saying to him that you cannot live like this any longer, and that if he doesn't want to be where he is then perhaps there should be a time apart?
You have feelings too, and these should be respected. It is not enough to be physically present. What good is that? I agree that just waiting it out after this length of time is probably not going anywhere - athough I am not an expert, and others may disagree. In your shoes, I think I would try suggesting that he moves out, and pursues his own dreams. He can still visit and be a father. The children will have noticed that all is not well, believe me. Staying together is usually, but by no means invariably the best thing for them.
But whatever you decide is tough. Sometimes I would like to shake every MLCer until their teeth rattle for their sheer self centredness. Others live in this world too, and there is a network of fine obligations . . . but life is all about them. What an awful way to live.
I have said that to him. Few months back in fact. Told him I was not happy and I no longer felt any hope for us. He took all the blame. Said it was his fault we have no "romantic" relationship. Said that he had "damaged" that part of our relationship and he thinks about it every day. That he feels guilty. He did start counseling at that time. Went to 3 visits, lied about the 4th (said he rescheuled but never went just cancelled) and has not been back. Guess he didnt like what the counselor had to say.
I truly believe he wants me to end this so he doesnt have to be the bad guy. Our children are adults but went he walked out 9 years ago, his relationships with them were pretty much non-existent. I dont think he could live through that again. By me ending it he thinks he will get a free pass. So sad as our sons are much smarter than that. He doenst get that it would be up to him to make relationships with them on his own and if they are lacking that is his responsibity to fix.
I would like for him to move out. I think it would be a good thing for both of us but financially it is not realistic. He quit his 25 plus year job to get away from OW and went back to school. He is now a teacher which was his life long passion. But at age 53 he has only been teaching 4 years and gets layed off at the end of every school year. so far he has been lucky and got rehired every time but this next year is supposed to be the worst yet. I know I shouldnt care but after 35 years that is hard. Plus he will take 1/2 of everything. I have not yet come to grips with him taking half of my retirement when he blew his on the OW. Not fair. He wins and I will be left with all the debt we currently have as it is in my name since he was a student. Even if he were agreeable to pay 1/2 the debt, on his salary he would barely be able to make a rent payment and necessaties. The laws in CA are brutal and I would most likely end of in BK court. I know people have it much worse than me I am just letting you know some of the garbage I am sifting through and why making this decision is so hard.
I have a very good friend who went through a mild MLC - if that is the word. One of the things he told me is that you want to punish your spouse because you feel trapped. Maybe he resents the fact that you are OK and he isn't.
Only you can decide what matters most. The law in divorce is almost always unfair. MLC impoverishes almost all of us, except those who go through it young enough and quickly enough to put things straight. They either blow it all on the other person, and/or quit their jobs and then impose a divorce settlement on us that takes no account of their wild spending! It is just another of those things. Personally I would take the hit [I am in fact taking the hit], but I am not you.
He still sounds remarkably immature and unwilling to take any responsibility. feeling guilty isn't really what it is about, is it? it is doing something to try and put things right, and then if you can't, trying to make amends.
it is tough. I guess it is good you are talking. Ending it because HE isn't doing anything does not turn him into the good guy, He knows that and you know that. Emotional coldness and failure to engage in therapy aren't about being Mr Nice Guy.
I don't know what you do about stuckness - perhaps someone else has some ideas?
Stuckness....should be a new dictionary word. I get so tired of people telling me the stuckness is a sign of co-dependency. I am not co-dependant. I know I can live without him. I have and done quite well. There were not the financial concerns at that time. I know just excuses but important ones to someone who is closer to retirement than not.
I just have this nagging feeling, a little voice if you will, that keeps telling me to hold on? Wishful thinking perhaps>?
Stir the pot???? Huh,,,,,gotta think on that one. Maybe telling him again that this isnt working will somehow cause somesort of movement???
Thanks for the link Lance. I have read that thread and just reread again.
What sounds so easy to do is for me, so very hard. I think past interactions with H prevent me from having any kind of conversation with him that could/will become heated. I am scared plain and simple to hear any answer he may have. I am frustrated with ME.
My main issue these days seems to be: What if he IS telling the truth? What if there was no MLC and he never really did love me at all? Sure that makes him some kind of monster in my opinion to lead me on for over 35 years but what if it is real? For so long I held on to the belief that this was all about him and not me at all.....his childhood issues...his loss of respect for himself...his unhappiness at work in a job he hated.....What if it was never any of that and truly that he married me and had children with me because I made it easy and he had no better offers????
I know I will never get to know the answers but the answers would free me I think.....
