Puppy has been on for another thread and then infidelity. They are still together though I believe the main reason he came to these boards still exists.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You have to consider too that some don't actually DB. They come here for advice and then don't take it. They don't bother actually reading DB or DR. They quit after a short time when the WA doesn't respond the way they want. They are not into actually changing to become a better person. They change to get something they want and when they don't get it, they go back to being the person they were.
My heart does go out to those who sincerely change and practice DB and it still doesn't work out. I know they become a healthier, stronger, and better person because of those changes.
I was about to WA but found DB and this board. I haven't posted much but read the stories and DR. It gave me hope that things could change and they did. As Michele has said, one person changing causes the other person to change and that is true.
That's why I think the perspective of a DB coach is so important. They each are involved with hundreds, if not more, sitch's and see many more through to the end than any of us ever will. We see a limited number of these sitchs and don't know how most of them end, so it's difficult for us to really know what works over the long run (as opposed to short term successes) under varying marital conditions.
I'm actually a success story, but I think it has a lot to do with when I started to DB, my actual sitch, and the intensity with which I DB'd. I was here about 3 weeks after the bomb, read DB, and worked it to the letter. It also helped that my H was in a ONE sided EA (she wasn't interested in him, but there's no way she didn't realize he had feelings for her...she liked the attention, ho that she is) and we were in counseling weekly from right after the bomb.
It took us from May to the beginning of September to reconcile, and probably another 3 years to really get past that summer and have a good M. We were also in counseling for 2 years and in IC of our own at that time.
I think I had a lot of things working for me, and I count myself lucky every day. Three of my buddies from that time (Rob, Liz, and Jen_Jam) also reconciled.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
I've been on these boards since 2002. The number of what I'd call successful reconciliations resulting in a great M are vanishingly small. Even the most successful reconciliations I've seen have all sputtered to a point where the M ends or turns out to be an M that I, at least, would want no part of (good for me I'm not in that M, lol!)
Of course, people who are desperate enough to find these boards in the middle of the night because they can't sleep are way past the point of where DB starts.
DB (the book) starts with someone being unhappy in a M. DB says try appreciating small improvements, be direct and ask for what you want, change the way you think to think more positively, stop playing the same old games and try something new. All good advice for someone in a less than stellar M. But the posters here almost all show up post-bomb with a spouse who has already decided to leave. The right move here is probably the last resort, or after the last resort. LET GO, let the person do what he/she wants, protect yourself, detach, get financial affairs in order, etc... Get happy on your own, if you want to perhaps try to reconcile don't push the D (assuming financial affairs are sorted) but don't stand in its way. Focus on changing the things you didn't like about yourself in the M for YOUR sake and the sake of future Rs with anyone. Quit personalizing everything someone who is effectively no longer in your life does to make it about you. And so on...
Instead, someone gets told "I've been in love with Jane/Joe for two years, we've been having an A for the whole time. I'm leaving you for good, I'm not in love with you, I don't want to be with you, our M is over in my heart, blah blah blah. And, the LBS starts in with heavy pursuit, hypervigilance regarding the WAS, intrusively demanding/watching for babysteps, and so on. MUCH BETTER would be to BACK OFF immediately, let go entirely, take care of yourself, primarily from a business standpoint when it comes to the WAS, work on self and see what happens.
Also, too often when reconciliation does happen, there is so much guilting, so much blame and shame, that the WAS can't even tell if he/she wants to return or merely feels like he/she should. There is a big difference. In any successful reconciliation, the WAS is going to have to know that it is a choice he/she WANTS to make, regardless of what he/she should do. Again, this points to letting go/detaching/accepting.
This time I won't even try to get her back. It's like when you were little and you split a sandwich in two to share with a friend. You always handed them the smaller piece but just to be sure you took it back and compared it again then handed it back and said 'here and no backsies!' Well, I'm giving STBXW back to the world.
LOL!! Bet on your wedding day you never imagined comparing your stbx to this sammich division!
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
I mean we are some of the few who keep at it and try to change things for the better instead of giving up, getting revenge, or just tossing our marriage out like used goods and trading in for a new one... I like being in this kind of minority.
Me, too. It is very commendable. And we can say we tried.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
And I am talking out of approx 100 stories. The group we have on FB is indicative...
I am thinking about joining the alt. How do I find all you wonderful DBers?
Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
It also helped that my H was in a ONE sided EA (she wasn't interested in him, but there's no way she didn't realize he had feelings for her...she liked the attention, ho that she is)
Last part made me LOL, SD.
Originally Posted By: oldtimer
Also, too often when reconciliation does happen, there is so much guilting, so much blame and shame, that the WAS can't even tell if he/she wants to return or merely feels like he/she should. There is a big difference.
ITA. Guilting and blaming someone are not the ways to reconcile a R.
Perhaps the truth is that M is not really for those who don't truly value it anyway. If the wayward wants to throw in the towel, it's usually for very selfish reasons beyond their spouse's ability to sway in any event. Might as well let them go. It is only if the WAS still has an active conscience and a sense of honor that they will turn around from their path anyway -- which, sadly, explains why so few reconcilliations happen after all.
If we cannot honor the wee, small voice within and adhere to our convictions, then a M is doomed anyway. And with the siren call of weak moral accountability in our post-modern culture, most folks struggle with the very meaning of commitment. "Guilting" them is thus pointless anyway. You cannot "guilt" someone who has lost their sense of shame in the first place. We are really talking about a disease of the spirit here that has as one symptom all these broken M's.
your gonna find very few, if any, success stories...Only about 3-4 that I followed..and to be quite honest I wonder sometimes if the ones who do reconcile just don't settle for what they get...
I don't think this place is about success really..i think it is what it is...a good place to get great support..
I agree with you M Tennessee!! It gave me a great place to start, and strength and support to db and save my marriage. What I honestly found the most helpful about here, was the friendship and support, when I couldnt save it anymore.
M 36 XH 34 3 children If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. Mark 3:25 "your mood swings are giving me whiplash" twilight ALIVE FREE AND HAPPY 2010
My concern is that a lot of the advice here pushes people headlong into the abyss. In other words, the WAS will say they want a divorce and the conventional wisdom is to tell the LBS to say, "Hell yeah," and speed the process along.
In the case of a WAW, (as described by MWD, not just any spouse that wants out) there are two forces at work; the stress and pain of staying and working on the M; and, the relief from stress that the constructed divorce plan provides. If you can relieve the stress of the relationship by DBing, you can make the divorce plan less compelling. Ultimately, you may even turn the R around.
I think there is a substantial difference between "letting go" and "pushing away." Having said that, not every case involves a true WAW as described by MWD.
