Need Advice from the Experienced Folks on WAW

[john28]

Pinhead - She refuses to give me access to her computer, Facebook account, and phone because in her mind she's yet to commit to staying; therefore in her mind, it's an invasion of her privacy. I have an IT background and found out about the A by breaking into her email and logging web access. After the confrontation, all I ended up doing was driving her more underground with her methods. I told her if she stays we will need to come up with a way that satisfies both of us that nothing outside of the M is occurring.

GH, I'm going to tell you this as both a friend and a person who has been through this before.

First, I'm in IT too. I found out about my W's EA the same as you. After she ended it, I insisted on all passwords to email/fb/etc. She did not give them up because it was an invasion of privacy - same deal as you W.

Pressing her for transparency didn't work. She wasn't in the M. She was trying to be, but she wasn't. Never could. She wouldn't give transparency. Ultimately it wreaked havoc on my nerves always wondering "what is she doing". It tore me to shreds, and in turn I pressed her for information all the time like, where are you going/doing/saying. It pushed her further away.

You have to let her go. If she is going to do this, she is. Nothing at this point is going to stop her. She's lost all respect for you and the M because she continues to have this EA. NOTHING you say or do right now is going to have her change her mind about the M. Now, repeat that 10 times in the mirror.

You have to let her go. You need to set boundaries. One is, "I will not live in an open marriage. If you continue to do this, you need to move out immidiately."

Otherwise, your snooping and constant worrying is going to further damage the R. Trust me, I did it. It damaged alot. If my W would have moved out before I started snooping and prying and asking questions, we'd probably be in a much better place today.

You need to get this - if she is still talking to this OM, she does NOT want to be in this marriage and she does not respect you. Grow some nuts, and set a boundary. It will be scary to do so, and she'll probably be pissed at you, but at least you will have your own self-respect and probably some level of respect from her for not putting up with this crap.