When the fog finally lifted and you realized the damage that had been done how did you feel, and what did you do?
As indicated earlier, my sitch was complicated and convoluted. XW simply gave up on me while I was in MLC and engaged in a long-distance affair with an old college sweetheart. When the fog lifted sometime in March 2004, the clarity was unreal and I could see what was happening in front of my eyes. I did all the anti-DB stuff to XW (crying, begging, etc) which probably made her dig in further with the affair and she moved out of the house in August 2004.
When XW moved out in August...I had a bad case of PTSD. I couldn't eat, lost too much weight too quickly, couldn't sleep, and had nightmares about the OP. Most of the nightmares centered on physical fights with the OP. The PSTD lasted for about 3 months. It was during this time that I finally, for the first time in my life, set a foot in a counselor's office. During MLC, I was having none of the pie in the sky ideas about MC or even individual counseling.
As you probably can imagine, the grieving period was a bit long. Plenty of self-flagelation.
It was what it was. And I've moved on.
Upside,
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How long do you think it was you before you entered acceptance?
I believe the acceptance part did not come until the fog lifted and it was probably prolonged by the fact that I was engaging in anti-DB behaviors toward XW when I clearly saw her affair. That probably did not occur until sometime in the Fall of 2004. I will need to look up the "acceptance" phase as outlined in HB's thread to see how my acceptance progressed.
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Did ever find yourself telling your wife something that you sincerely meant and then acted to the contrary?
I have no memory or recollection. It is the MLC amnesia and crazymaking talk. It most probably did occur on many, many occasions. However, I do recall making these statements on two separate occasions:
"I am not the bad guy here"
"Something is wrong"
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Were you aware that this was one of your issues and did you have others? Did your issue(s) just resolve themselves or did you have to work through it (them)?
My parents' divorce had a huge impact on my world view. As a 11-year old, I was "powerless" to do anything and I stuffed a lot of emotions deep inside me. That wound stayed inside for many, many years unexamined and unresolved. I believe my MLC brought on those unresolved issues at the very sub-conscious level. The issue both resolved itself and I did the work. So it was a bit of both. After XW moved out, I flew down to visit my family as I was very traumatized after XW moved out...I used this time to talk with family members and obtained some clarity & closure on my parents' divorce. I had long talks with my Dad about the divorce and for the first time I was able to verbalize the pain it inflicted on my psyche. Also while on this DB site, I saw a recommended book on children of divorce on another person's thread so I bought it and read it. Boy...really had to sit through some deep discomfort with the hard truths contained in the book. It aided greatly in understanding the divorce phenomenon and its effects on children.
Spouses of MLCers,
Based on what I've read here, on my personal experience, and my NG's experience, it seems that the MLC brings to the surface issues that occurred at a very specific time frame in their lives which causes the MLCer to act out that age. For me, I behaved like a wounded 11-year old. Other MLCers may have been parentfied at a young age thus missing out on normal stuff --so they act out those unresolved issues. Others may have married at a young age such as right out of high school.
Often MLCers are in the age group of 35-65. Not always the case. More often the male MLCer acquires an OP/OW while the female MLCer seem to simply withdraws from the family unit. The percentage seems to be higher for the male MLCer to have an OP.
These are the clues to why your MLC spouse acts in certain ways. It was as if the "growing up" process was interrupted and the brainwaves or the memory bank was stuck in gear. I could be wrong...but it seems to be the universal signpost of the MLCer.
