Nothing fits

[mishka422]

That is what is so complicated Wii. It would have been our anniversary. We're divorced so that is null and void. We are living togther again, sleeping together again, but that is the extent of it. We have no commitment, no understanding, nothing. It's a very bizarre existence. We don't talk about anything R related, we don't talk about anything of any importance other than Marc. It really sucks the life right out of me.

The other night I apologized to him for falling apart on him that morning. It had been a horrible morning with my mom and I was just overwhelmed and tired and a I started crying when he hugged me. He was angry that I apologized and also wanted to know why I didn't ask him for help with Marc that morning either. Marc had to be at school early Monday for some extra math tutoring and I was rushing trying to get myself ready for work so I could take him and then mom had an accident that I had to deal with. He wanted to know why I didn't just ask him to take Marc to school. I couldn't answer him. I know why but I also know, with relative certainty, that my answer would just make him angier. I don't ask for help from him because I am positive (based on what he said when he left me) that my asking him for help was one of the reasons he left me in the first place. So now I don't ask for help because I am afraid to. Heck, I don't ask anyone for help anymore because if my H left me because I needed him too much then I can't afford to drive my friends away because I need help.

Yes, twisted thinking, but that is what has happened. It hurts my heart to think that there is really no one I can count on in my RL, but that seems to be the way it is. Even my family runs the other direction if I make any mention of needing someone to pick mom up from dialysis because I have an appointment (maybe 2 times a year!).

What does that say about me? I'm afraid of the answer so I just go it alone and learn to not rely on anyone for anything. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Ok....I was in an ok mood and now I'm sitting here crying. WTH is up with that???? UGH!