Thank you for the fodder. I will have to chew on that. The conversation on having to move on will be the turning point and final though imho. I will not lie about having relationships though. I will not as an example to my children. My children are intelligent and i know they will surmise the situation (or maybe have). I will lead by example and be the better person in this.
My wife is selfish, no question, and she is scared to act and doesn't want to look like the bad guy in this i'm sure. I almost have the feeling she is keeping score, or trying to, to find something to blame me or use as the ultimate aha excuse to 'leave' me. Hasn't happened and not gonna happen. I won't give her the easy way out. I know she wants to appear the victim to her family and friends. That would make her decision easy.
I see her behavior lately changing a bit, and thats what concerned me and led me back here. She is becoming short tempered at me at times for no reason but i recognize it and don't bite back. Almost like she is baiting, trying to create conflict. Maybe its her frustration, maybe calculated, i don't really know.
I don't see a remedy for this. I will flip strategy a bit and try some new things. I am skeptical as who wouldn't be after all this time? Yes, i am very unhappy and that has got to change.
You aren't living your life like an attractive man, you are watching her every move and reacting based on what she does, that sounds like a life unfulfilled and you are inevitably setting an example for your children to follow as they learn by your actions not by your words - do you want this type of existence for them? If it was them going through this and not you, what would you tell them? It's time to take the lead in your life and lead yourself in the direction you want to go in even if that means leaving your wife, in fact, she may have been waiting for this all along but felt too guilty to do anything so what you have is two people stuck in a relationship they don't want to be in and you're teaching your kids that, don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise.
I have a full day, and will check back later... BUT, I'll say this. I read through this thread, and Rob is right. You are NOT living your life like an attractive man. You are settling. Attractive men don't settle, don't watch and react...
I know all of this because I was not living my life as an attractive woman. AM NOW
Seriouly, I'll be back. We need to help you get your life back.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Thanks you for that. Sometimes you need others perspectives to break you out of a rut.
"Attractive man"...wonder what that means lol. Different women would say different things about this. There's a fine line between being independent and happy and being attractive to your existing spouse. I can't say that changing myself to be attractive to my spouse now isn't in fact doing more of what she wants and not me. I've lived this way for so long and bent over so much for her i don't know what she wants. Maybe she wants a beer swilling, lazy arse-do-nothing, stay out every night with the guys, weekend golf playing, womanizing, verbal loud mounthed jerk off. Hey, i haven' tried those things yet! Maybe i should give it a go!
Sorry for that. I know you're all just trying to help.
Update. Yes, the saga still continues. Maybe unbelievable to some, just surreal to me.
After much contemplation the last few weeks i have reached some personal decisions on my marriage. Things are not getting better folks and its as if she is biding her time. No intimacy for over a year is one thing but the beginning signs of continual disrespect and signs, snappiness, arguing, and signs that she loathes my presence at times is well, a little too much to take for someone as accomodating as myself. I have taken off my rose colored glasses and don't like what i see, in her or me. I have been a patsy and i deserve better. She has some agenda she will not share. It is clear she has no use of me other than a financial partner, caretaker, and looking after 'her' children.
Well enough is enough. I've set a date in my head, my birthday next May 2011. That's the effective throw in the towel date. This life can't continue. All my effort until then will be securing home finances, paying off stuff, completing house renovations, loving the kids (as always) and preparing for possibility of separation and/or divorce. In the meantime i will do the 'attractive' thing for me and enjoy my life a little, be effectively separated since i might as well be. I will heed some of the advice from posters here and deem to live 'attractively'.
Wish me luck if you would. Mentally i have accepted the situation and am at ease with my decision. There is no us anymore. Truth be told, if not for the kids i would have left long ago. My sacrifice is for them in the meantime, as it has been always. If things accelerate before next may so be it. I will be ready.
Things are not getting better folks and its as if she is biding her time. No intimacy for over a year is one thing but the beginning signs of continual disrespect and signs, snappiness, arguing, and signs that she loathes my presence at times is well, a little too much to take for someone as accomodating as myself.
It's easy to understand how you would be feeling there is no hope w/ the way you describe it above.
No, we have not recently went to MC'ing. My experience with this locally has not been good.
Over a decade ago when we went through our first near WAW event we went to MC and then my wife ended up going to a counsellor by herself. Essentially the counsellor i think got tired if my W and told her to just leave me. I don't know if that was being clever or not. The advice and way it seemed to be handled was poor. I've heard other bad reports of this from others so not sure what to make of it. We are not religious so would not go the church route for counselling either.
I'm biding my time and preparing. I don't care at this point as i'm overly tired with it all. Don't think poor MC'ing would help at this point.
Hello Back Again. I guess i will be frequenting this board more in the next while for your insights and self therapy - but in other forum sections.
Over a decade A DECADE in the making and it appears to be FINAL. Over ten years of unhappiness, trying to work it out, me carrying the load on many things....all for naught (but for my daughters at least which is worth it all).
Just after Christmas my wife asked me for a separation and divorce, in writing of course since she has great trouble communicating anything verbally. On top of the household being sick with a cold/flu all xmas vacation i had to struggle through dealing with this. Not merry.
She appeared to have it planned or on schedule and the revelation just before christmas that her small sis had gotten a suprise divorce from her 'dream' husband (not so dreamy now) really set the tone. W had counselling same week and came back happy with resolve. One more written letter indicating her resolve to move on and so it goes...
So it will be an in-house separation, separate sleeping arrangements, until some financial issues are worked out by late summer. We will downsize by then, sell what is not needed or suplus, fix the house for sale and be done. The talk right now is that the kids will live where they want to and sharing arrangements will be flexible. I think my W is sincere in this but will discuss this with the kids myself.
As to what i'm feeling? Turmoil. Mixed emotions, from frustration and some anger, regret to hope. Living with unhappiness and feeling futile for so long is no way to live. I see that. I have done my crying and self pity over the years and there is none left. I am done with her and must move on.
Just wanted to end this thread and move to other forum sections since its obvious i'm not a newcomer in any sense of the word.
Word of caution to genuine newcomers who read my saga. You can be optimistic but be realistic. Most times things are beyond your control or grasp. If a partner truly doesn't want you then at some point you can't fight it. Take care of your well being and realize you are important to somebody, always.
My previous post was premature. I posted in the separation forum but really when i think about it i am just starting - even saying that after a 10 year ordeal! A newcomer? I think so, i guess i have to re-read the whole site and book again to get back on track.
My true test now starts and quite honestly this is where most others here have started with a separation or WAS. I have been so in turmoil (but keeping a smile on) over the last few days whether the fight is worth fighting, but in my heart, even after 10 years of off and on frustration and being neglected i still want better, and if with my W then thats great. My 180 has started in truth and i'm working on GAL. Is this too late? IS a decade a factor too much to overcome? My W has seen a C again today and her curt phone convo did not sound promising. I believe this C is useless and lazy and just reinforcing her resolve to get a D fast. What can i do in that regard? I certainly won't ask how the counselling went.
