Thanks! Nothing needs mediated because I was too good with the pre-nup when it was originated. In fact the L said we could easily file ourselves and be D before the ink dried.
I want to save the M, but of course I want my W to want it as well. Because of the communication walls that she put up I never had a chance to show that I am willing and have made changes. That is why I was driving myself crazy with wording my emails.
Before my W left she told me that I knew that she was looking for an apartment, but I never made the changes that she needed to see to keep her there and work on the M. I have made many changes and I still have many things to do as well. However, at this stage she will never see them.
My W always relied on me to make the decisions I guess she is waiting for me to help her make this one!
I told her in a couple of emails, "That as much as I wanted the M to work, that she was right and that it will not" an affirmation of her feelings. Then listening to another relationship guru who told me that I should not have told her that I was letting her go so I wrote her another email and told her "That I was frustrated when I told her that I was letting her go and I really want us to work and I really want to figure out how to do that and I realize that she may not be there, but that was how I was feeling." Both of these emails were sent about two weks apart and the last sent about four weeks ago. I did not specifically tell her that I wanted to work on the M, but I think she knows how i feel.
So all of my emails prior to her stating that she wanted a D have been positive. I was being careful with my emails and trying not to push R, M or D. Now that she mentioned D I am pushing and showing confidence by leading the charge. But I leading in a race that I do not want to lead in.
She changed her phone number and moved to another town so I do not know her address so email has been my only communication tool. For 10 weeks I have been emailing, not pursuing with R,M,D.
I sent her a b-day email last Friday and she responded on Monday with a "Thank you." On Monday evening she sent me an email telling me that she wanted to start the D process. I responded back an hour or two later and said, "Okay, I agree. I want you to be happy and I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me." She asked me twice if I was okay with that.
The next morning I emailed her and suggested that we use a Mediator. Then from the Coach's 2x4 he told me that I needed to lead "show confidence, courage, etc." And so I sent her an email telling her that I met with my L gave him the pre-nup and he will draw up papers then I asked who is her lawyer.
Then she emailed me last night asking me if we should use a Mediator or should she get her own L. So that is where I am at this point.
You are probably right about her wanting me to pay, she is as tight as two coats of paint when it comes to money. I would prefer a mediator becuase it would be less expensive and it would probably reqiuire the two of us working together, which she has avoided for the last 10 weeks.
I read your post to MP. Do you think I should tell my W that I don't want a D and that I am willing to work on the M? How could I do that w/o appearing that I am begging or weak.
I see so much about the dynamic of the confident male, but not on how to demonstrate this w/o appearing that you are pursuing your W. I really feel that this whole DB and D is a cyclone of mind manipulation.
The fear that I have and I can see this as the root cause for a lot of D is that both parties have a protective wall around themselves and they truly fear communicating true feelings to the other due to the fear of rejection or appearing to your spouse as the pursuer. I would like nothing more than to tell my W how I truly feel, but I keep reading that she is not ready to hear that and that is pursuing behavior.
Not an uncommon thing.