Hi Sunny!!! I read your update, hope you get better soon!!
Yes, we are moving forward. Slowly but we are. And I am still surprised by his patience. Yesterday we talked about how we are now, I told him I need to take the next step. I need to recommit to him and decide to let go of the past. I am trying but I stop at the same point again and again. I am missing a piece of the puzzle. I need HIS words of what happened, not hers. I need to listen to him speak about his feelings, the process, the journey he made, the way he lived it. And that is not theoritical. Because it would give me an idea about "why are things differerent now, what changed (for the better)". His reply "it happened, I fell out of love with her" is not reassuring at all, it is the opposite. I explained that, he said he understands. He understands that that would mean intimacy, connection, recommitement.
Having these convos with him isnt easy. We are learning to communicate, we are learning what is important for each one of us. Yesterday, I told him I see change in him. That his eyes that were stone cold are back to the good "normal". He was pleased I said that, he said he doesnt realise his eyes are so telling. I asked him if he didnt know how he treated/looked at me back then. His reply was disappointing "no, I had no idea I had changed so much".
Those of you with me for a while, may remember that H is a typical "good guy", a "great catch", smart, polite, treats women as equals, is very generous with money, good father, good son in law. All that, made me believe for years I was the lucky one and that showed in my eyes, the amdiration, the appreciation. H got in an affair when I started criticising him, when my tired body changed my mood, when I got fed up with deaths, sicknesses and his schedule. When I lost that admiration for him. He went out and found it. He went for the quick fix.
Now, I think that kills him. The fact that I am not proud to have him as my H,that I am reluctant to believe his good intentions, now that his word is questionable. I know that is a love killer and try to "water it down", I am trying to always be aware of how he sees himself in my eyes but there isnt much I can do since I still have major issues... I feel for him. I really think it is very hurtful to see your partners eyes and instead of trust and appreciation to look at hurt and bitterness or doubts. That's what I told him. It is a viscious circle, mistrust, walking on eggshels, vague communication, expectations all lead to the next wrong choice. We have to agree on some basics, why, how, how to avoid it in the future, defense mechanisms, time outs for US, create a solid front against the world.
I think NOW is the time we could actually start moving towards that. Now that I am calmer and a lot of my anger is gone. Now that for a year, we passed the "breaking point" the "embarassment point" of getting "reaquainted" with each other, we have established a "normal and peaceful" routine.
I am still working on me. It has become a habbit. And it is tiring but worth the effort. If nothings else comes out of this, I will at least know how to "map" myself. K
