My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

Just finished a LONG day at work. S sprained his ankle at bb - had to have him come to the office so I could "triage" it! Told him to text his dad to let him know - H texts him back "take care of it". OK - then I get a text from H saying that my dentist's office left a message on his phone about rescheduling my appointment. I wasn't going to respond - but I just sent "thx". H also texted oldest D - said "my manager is giving me a couple hours off Friday can I take you and bf out to dinner?" - D says thanks dad but we already have plans.

I think the closer it gets to my anniversary - the more melancholy I get. Like I said in an earlier post - what we had was genuinely good. I believe that. I believe that I am a good person and that I am an excellent life partner. I keep reminding myself that the person he has become is not the person I knew. If he has convinced himself that this is his "true" identity then he will need to build his life for his new persona. I have not lost sight of who I am, what I believe - I have flaws and many imperfections - but I am faithful, loyal, committed, funny, and loving. I am showing my love for him right now by respecting his choice to leave. I am not pursuing - controlling - etc. I am serving our family by being stable, consistent, and working on myself. I have come to realize that if a magic wand was waved and H begged to come back tomorrow - our life would be very different. I would not be so worried about pleasing everyone - I like this peaceful place I have found. I don't believe I could ever let myself get so wrapped up with worry about his happiness - but I would give a lot more space and trust MYSELF - not him to give me the security I have so desperately wanted.

How does that sound for someone 5 months in?

[punkin]

Irish,

I think you sound great. All the things you say of yourself, I also believe of myself. I also believed of our marriage. That doesn't mean I didn't need to change anything, just that I am certain of what I was/am.

You should be proud of all the personal growth you have shown since first coming to this site. We have bad days, we're allowed to. We have shortcomings, we're human. At the end of the day, we both know where we stand. Nice to be standin' next to you Irish.

[Truegritter]

Irish

You are doing fine. Just fine.

Time and patience.

You are starting to recognize and trust that person you lost along the way.

Keep going.

There is great strength in you. I know you can do this.

[irishblessings]

Thanks all! Your support has been an unbelievable blessing! You are great role models!

[dl443322]

Good for you, IB. You are doing great!

Just one little teeny thing - why did you tell son to text his dad? Let them figure it out. You are setting yourself and your son up for disappointment when you get in the way, ok?

And try not to forget how wonderful you are!

[irishblessings]

Thanks B - I think I was trying to be respectful of H and maybe show son that his dad would want to know. I know what you mean though - that's between those two. Thx for reminder!

[ericmsant2]

I am becoming a little more comfortable with where I am right now.

Yippee…

I believe the only chance I have of having any hope for my M is if I completely detach.

Be careful here IB. You detach NOT to save YOUR M..YOU detach to save YOU. You see, while our spouses are lost and trying to find there way..they become angry. Angry at themselves, which they tend hurl our way. Sometimes it is verbal, sometimes it is emotional i.e. an affair, sometimes it is even passive aggressive. So YOU detach to protect your emotional well being.

Also, some of that anger is directed at OUR actions i.e. controlling, manipulative, etc., which is warranted. It is these issues that we need to look at. And look at them BECAUSE as a result of this pain we now understand that some of the things we did in the M were wrong. So we work on them. Not for the M (yes it starts that way) but for US. So that IB, can really become the person that IB wants to be.

I have to be confident enough in myself to give him the room he needs.

Just trust yourself IB. Just be - it really is that simple.

I need to keep working on my self esteem and being more disciplined financially and physically - but I AM working on it.

BINGO – It does not just happen overnight….IB…slowly…slowly…

That's my digging for today

<insert picture of Eric smiling and saying “good job IB”>

what we had was genuinely good. I believe that.

It probably was and IS worth fighting for.

I believe that I am a good person and that I am an excellent life partner.

As long as you believe it that is all that matters.

How does that sound for someone 5 months in?

Honestly, it sounds like someone who is 10X’s father along that I was at 5 months. Hell at 5 months I was still spinning and getting daily 2x4’s.

Eric

[Goodfight]

IB,

You are doing GREAT! You are doing better than I was just 6 months ago.

Keep going.

[irishblessings]

OK friends - thanks for your support / however I had a slight backslide today. H texted me that he was going to stop by the house to wrap S's ankle before practice. I didn't respond - but on my way home from work I passed his car leaving the neighborhood - driving with his arm outstretched like he was king of the world. So I enter the house where S is sitting on the couch and the first thing I notice is the smell of dog sh** and I look around and there is junk EVERYWHERE!!! So I totally breakdown - sobbing - once again "he'll never want to come back here - I am a failure, I can't do all of this on my own." S is just staring at me - saying mom stop - he is CRAZY!! S puts his arms around me and lets me cry - I feel like a complete pathetic loser. Rationally I know how CRAZY I am acting - but emotionally...crushed!

So, what do I know about this? I know that I am not ready for ANY interaction with H - NONE!!! I can not handle it right now. Hopefully someday I will - but the further away I stay from him the stronger I get. He has stopped wearing his ring - I sometimes feel embarrassed that I am still wearing mine - but I believe that I am still legally married and I will need to behave that way. I am working to keep the house and the kids stable and calm - but I can't always keep it perfectly clean. I am trying my best and trying to keep my kids happy and stable and trying to get there myself. I know that I am still thinking too much about him but that's why I say I need to be as far away from him as possible.

Help friends!

[ericmsant2]

IB

I notice is the smell of dog sh** and I look around and there is junk EVERYWHERE!!!

Suggestion...get rid of the dog. Suggestion 2 - tell your kids that they need to pick up after the dog. Suggestion 3 - don't cry you are not a failure.

So I totally breakdown - sobbing - once again "he'll never want to come back here - I am a failure, I can't do all of this on my own."

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE....repeat after me...I AM NOT A FAILURE.

Why can't you do this? Are you weak?

You can do this.

God Bless,
Eric