This makes sense. It's my problem too. I let my emotions fuel my reactions and that's not the way to go. Today (as opposed to yesterday or tomorrow . . . or probably 5 minutes from now) I actually kind of like that me and H haven't spoken. It's giving me time to learn and figure out how to fix my own problems. It's teaching me a lesson about my controlling behavior as well. I wonder about the testing too, I can't say that me and H had good days, but over labor day weekend and the days following he called quite a bit (I think my count was 4 or 5 times over a 4 day span), that's more than he's contacted me in a while. Now I haven't heard from since Thursday.
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
I let my emotions fuel my reactions and that's not the way to go.
TEA - Thoughts proceed emotion, emotions proceed action. Change your thoughts you change your emotional reaction. Google "cognitive behavioral therapy." It's basically DB in another form.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I let my emotions fuel my reactions and that's not the way to go.
TEA - Thoughts proceed emotion, emotions proceed action. Change your thoughts you change your emotional reaction. Google "cognitive behavioral therapy." It's basically DB in another form.
I'm a 3rd year psyc student (undergrad) so I've heard of CBT. I've never connected it to DBing though, I'll have to look into it more. Thanks!
Me: 24 H: 26 2 SS: 7 & 5; D: 3 H filed D papers: 8/2/10 OW discovered: 08/10 D papers counter-filed: 10/2/10 There is no method to my madness
TEA - Thoughts proceed emotion, emotions proceed action. Change your thoughts you change your emotional reaction. Google "cognitive behavioral therapy." It's basically DB in another form.
I will definitely look into this!
On a separate thought (or maybe connected too) I just read in another thread of "what men find attractive" that not taking BS and putting him back into place when necessary is attractive. Which as weird as it may be, never occurred to me to be attractive. Needed and helpful in the long run? Yes. But never thought of it as attractive. What a great insight!
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Really good points! I'm thinking that my H sometimes pushes my buttons to test me, maybe even subconsciously. I think so because I find that I do that myself. I would never actually deliberately test him, but I catch myself doing it sometimes.
Also, I always thought of myself as in control of my emotions because I would never get mad during a fight and retaliate. But while I am able to keep my anger in check, other emotions, like sadness and hurt run rampart. Even when I think of confrontations with other people, when someone is being unreasonable (in my opinion) with me, I feel upset and easily get to the point where I'm on the verge of tears. Not good and definitely not professional.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Thank you so much Coach for pointing me to look into CBT! I've been thinking this morning about the issue with controlling my emotions and I thought that I really have no idea how to tackle it. Now I found this and it looks like a good starting point.
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
Hi ris, just wanted to stop by and say hello. Did you get your Terrence Real book yet? If so, are you finding it helpful?
Originally Posted By: ris
But while I am able to keep my anger in check, other emotions, like sadness and hurt run rampart.
Sometimes that happens because we're keeping our anger stuffed down when we shouldn't. Suppressing it can make us end up feeling disproportionately sad and hurt at other times (like in your example.)
I find the whole concept of emotion 'control' can be tough to get my head around. I used to think 'controlling' them meant 'suppressing' them when you felt them.
But I think it's more about allowing yourself to experience them, but learning to express them in a controlled, unblaming and healthy way.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PS! One more note - I think that CBT that Coach recommends is a godsend. I always used to think the emotions came first, because they'd happen so quickly - it was hard to even realize that there were thoughts that preceded/caused them.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
It's more "redirecting" your emotions by thinking of something more pleasant. TEA...
It's not that at all. It's thinking thru why you feel a certain way, understanding it then challenging that thinking to find a better outcome. Once you think of possiblities your mind get's off the hopeless loop.
Read up on Aaron Beck, Albert Ellis and Martin Seligman.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
