I have always wanted my husband to feel loved and tried to accommodate him in a manner that he needed, but I have struggled with the sexual aspect of my relationsip since early on.
... I don't know how to deal with my feelings of hurt and resentment, but I know I can't continue the obligatory sex acts because I am growing to hate him for it.
We have tried counseling. When it came time for any focus on him, I believe he felt uncomfortable and no longer was willing to attend. I went to individual counseling, which helped dissipate some of the anger I felt and helped me with setting boundaries, but did not help with any sexual issues because the counselor insisted that I not engage in sex unless I truly wanted to, but that was not an acceptable option at home.
....It really makes it hard to figure out how to change our relationship; his recommendation of "just let it go" is not a bad one, I just don't know how to do it when so many negative feelings well up at the mere mention of sex.
First of all my heart goes out to you. You sound like you have tried to do what you thought you could for your husband. You have every right to control your body and make choices about your life. You have been hurt badly by your husband. He may not even know how much he has hurt you. You have every right to be angry from what you say. I can see why you are reluctant to open up and become emotinally vulnerable to your husband through sex.
However, are you happy as you are? If not why not try to change things. You just might find that your husband isn't really happy either and would like things to improve.
I wonder if you have ever said what you just wrote to your husband in a way that he could hear you.
My wife's individual sex therapist told her that the main reason older women with no medical problem didn't have sex with their husbands was because of anger. She said it makes a lot of sense for you to not want to have sex with someone you are angry at. Ultimately, for my wife it took months of my working at making her feel loved and the revalation that he withdrawl from me hurt me as much as my earlier withdrawl from her had hurt her. She realized that she was as much of the problem as I was and that I was trying very hard to change things. Someone has to start first. It would be nice if both people could immediately change, but it doesn't usually happen that way.
In Chapman's the Five Languages of Love, there is a section (unfortunately the most religious one in the book) about a woman who feels that her husband is her mortal enemy, whom she hates. Chapman knows that the woman is a devote Christian and reads the scripture, so they discuss the passage about loving ones enemy. In this case the woman's husband is her enemy in a very real sense. You might want to read that section of the Chapman book to see what happens, as it does have a happy ending.
As to counseling. He has gone in the past, so might he be willing to try again? What could it hurt to ask? Ask if he he would like happiness at some point and doesn't he deserve a chance at it with you? How about a sex therapist this time instead of a marriage counselor. Sex therapists are marriage counselors with some extra training to help all the standard relationship issues, but also have training in helping couples deal with sexual problems between them. I know that really helped my wife and I connect, but your experience may be different.
A book that was interesting and suggested by my wife's sex theapist was "still sexy after all these years" about women in their 50's and their sex lives and libidos and what they did to keep their sensuality alive through divorce, being widows, or husbands with medical problems. You might want to get the book and read it.
MWD in her books has some great information on 180's. I view 180's like a sociological experiment, but with me. That is if something isn't working, try something dramatically different. For me as a high sexual demand person, my 180 was refusing to have sex with my wife. Not asking for sex and not settling for sex that caused me emotional pain. Maybe there is some 180 you can do that will shock your husband into viewing you in a new way and treating you differently from how he has treated you in the past.
For me what really motivated me to bring about change in my marriage was deep pain of rejection and the decision that I was not going to take that kind of emotional pain ever again. I decided that sex was not worth exposing myself to that kind of emotional pain. It helped me decided that I was going to dramatically change my life for the better.
That meant that I was going to get a life and become happy, where ever that took me. I worked on loosing weight, getting in shape, developing relationship skills and learning about myself. In reading Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight, and then later in the Five Lanaguages of Love, I learned that my need to be touched was a valid human need on my part and that getting the touch I needed was not something I had to hide, restrain or avoid. I also learned that I could not change my wife, I could only change myself. I learned that I had hurt my wife deeply and I apologized to her and tried to make it up to her by making her feel loved in her languages of love. Ultimately, I got very lucky and my wife forgave me and worked to change with me and build our relationship, but that took a while and wasn't easy. If she hadn't I am sure I would have filed divorce papers and started a trial separation by now.
If you want change you can start by getting a life and figuring out what you want for yourself. Then take steps to make it happen. You can also try to create a space for your spouse to change with you, if they want to. Focus on verbal affirmations, vissualization and getting yourself to be happy. If your husband won't do counseling, maybe start with individual sessions for yourself.
Maybe find yourself a support group of some friends to go out and do fun things so taht you add fun to your life.
Good luck to you and your husband.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
