Not sure where to start or end, WAW - #2

[PMA_Baby!]

Good point!! Not to mention using protection...

[CityGirl]

Im not saying it's true for him as I don't know what state he lives in. It is true in NY (ask me how I know, lol!) so it makes sense for John to at least check on things in his state.

Just another reason it is crucial to be advised by an attny when dealing with a WAS!

[john28]

I'm not dealing with a PA. I was dealing with an EA. I have no evidence of a PA, and could have none. My L said that was the only way to prove adultery or intent to have adultery. Even the evidence I do have is not admissable in court here.

So, it doesn't matter. He advised me that it didn't matter in my case because of lack of evidence, and that there was no PA. I can sex her up all I want.

[CityGirl]

Ok. Glad you know your rights.

Odd though an EA would not fall under the "intent to commit adultery" as your attny said.

When do you plan to get the Agreement solidified?

Please learn from many of our mistakes - separate the legal from the emotional.

[soleil]

I'm not dealing with a PA. .

That you know of.

I can sex her up all I want.

I would advise NOT sexing her up. You don't know who she's been with and you do not want to get your "feelings" involved when it's so clear she has no intention of being in the M right now. Don't put yourself out there like that, John.

He also said the only way to get back together was for us to get divorced (letting each other go)and once we were divorced (or legally separated) we could get to know one another again.

Oh dear lawd. They truly are all the same! Mine said that, too. LOL

[john28]

I was feeling a little anxious and down earlier today, during my round of golf by myself. I just did some breathing really deeply and calmed myself down. Worked for a while then got on the road. Cried just a little on the way home because I was missing my W. Missing going home to a family.

But I got past it. My W called later when I was home so I could talk to S4. Talked about 5 minutes or so, then spoke to W for a few minutes. I was letting her lead the conversation, but remaining luke-warm. Told her about my cooking class and she asked a few questions and seemed interested. Before the conversation could go stale, I told her that I would talk to her tomorrow. She told me good luck at my golf tournament tomorrow. I could feel that she wanted to talk more, but I felt like I shouldn't and told her goodnite. We shared an ILY.

So begins my attempts to GAL.

Tomorrow I'm off to play Pinehurst No.2 for my first tournament since bomb day. I'm looking forward to it. I'm a little rusty since I haven't played much in the last 4 months, but I just need to get out of here.

My father comes into town this Friday for the weekend and we're playing in a tournament together Fri/Sat/Sun. I'm looking forward to that too.

Just kind of missing her tonight. Hell, she's my wife and I love her and miss her. That's all.

[dsh4320]

John,

I wish I could tell you more than what everyone else is telling you, but I want to at least say this, at some point when you dont DO what is being told here, the support will start to dwindle. I have followed your thread, and you still seem to be where you were 2 months ago. This to me, shows that you are going to be waiting in the wings for the expectation that your M will be fixed. Not healthy for you right now.

You need to tell yourself and believe it is over for now. I think you need to re read your books, go back over your threads and see what progress you have made. I think you will kick yourslef in the @ss, its what I have had to do, and you need to read Robx thread a few times as well. my thoughts

[john28]

dsh - I don't see how I've backslid here. I was feeling a little sad that my W is gone. I believe that's perfectly normal. Even being detached doesn't mean you can't be a little sad you've lost something.

I haven't pursued her. I haven't called, text, email her either. I'm staying strong and trying to GAL. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Maybe I'm not 100% detached I'll admit, but it's a long process for me. Some people can detach and move on quickly. I'm not one of those.

That doesn't mean that is NOT what I'm doing. I'm not making excuses here - I'm saying that I'm taking the steps towards that because I know I can't live like this. That's why I started the S talks and division of assets. That's why I stopped Retrouvaille and left. I'm not there 100%, but I'm making the right steps to get there I believe.

[dsh4320]

Let me step back a bit, yes it is one day at a time. I do miss the "good" interactions with my W, but I cant remember the last time I had them. While saying this, I have seen my W be funny and joyful here and there since the bomb, but instead of telling myself she is still the woman I married, I tell myself she is up to something. What I am saying is dont let your feelings control how you look at things. When you start to see that your "family" cannot be back together right now in its current chaos, you will start to feel that rushing your hope is not the answer.

It is easy to be on the outside of anyone's situation and tell them what they are doing wrong, that is why I post that you should read over what you have posted, what you have done and what the outcome has been.

On my post you said I answered my own question? I read it a few times, and I dont agree. Our W's are similar in their manipulative ways, the difference is I have not fallen for it lately, I stick to my guns. Let me quote something my pastor said in his last service:

"keep doing what you know to do, even when doing what you know to do doesn't seem to be getting any results"

This statement from my pastor, was a 2x4 in my opinion. My feelings are telling me to be more loving, but I have done that and the manipulation train comes in at 100 mph. So what I know to do, is not cave into her BS anymore. So that is why I am doing what I am doing, it doesnt get the results I expect as far as my M, but this is a long journey, you cant win every battle in a war, but that doesnt mean you cant win the war.

[john28]

I was just reading the thread about being friends with your WAS.

I think for my own sanity and detachment I can't be friends with my W. She has hurt me too much for me to be friends with her right now and give her permission and help her rip this family apart. It makes me angry that she does this to us and refuses to work on the M. I have so much resentment and anger built up for her.

I love her very deeply. Maybe more now than I ever have before. But I'm afraid that I just can't be friends with her anymore. She desperately wants to be friends with me, and has even cried before when saying, "I thought we would always be friends!".

I read Puppy's line about when he stopped being friends with his W.

I won't -not- be friends with her to win her back, or use as a tactic, but I think I have to free myself more from her grasp. I don't think I can do that if I am her friend anymore. At least not right now.