The LBS script: agree with your WAS, take all the pressure off them from their POV.
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She was unhappy and since she most often felt unhappy at home she decided she needed to leave.
"I agree you are responsible for your happiness and I don't want to spend my time being married to someone who is unhappy all the time."
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She hasn't forgiven herself for all of the detrimental things she was done to our M, and that tainted her views in our M.
"I agree your affair was detrimental to our marriage and forgiving yourself is key to you being happy again."
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She wasn't really prepared for all of the work M needs to work. She felt she "wasn't a strong enough person".
"You are right marriage takes work when things aren't going well and a strong person would have found a better way of dealing with the issues."
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She said I deserve better than her and she thought it was just best to rip the band-aid off.
"Yes, I am the kind of man that won't share his wife. I do deserve the love and respect of a good woman. I think it is best I move on and I will work on getting our D initiated."
Do you think she is expecting to hear any of this from you? It shows you value yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Since we don't talk often, how should I go about doing this? Just wait for the the right time? Write an email? And I guess if I say "I will work on getting our D initiated" I will need to work on getting on D initiated?
M 25 W 25 Together since 2004 Married 11/2007 Bomb dropped 5/19/10 No children
i wouldn't make promises or threats that you're not prepared to follow through on...
A word of advice. What Coach, Sandi, Puppy Dog Tails and Robx tell you is information that has been earned via blood, sweat and tears. Don't waste what they say.
As time goes on she will get sloppier and sloppier with trying to keep the A secret. i agree that likely the A is still going on. It took me a year to finally find out what my H was doing but remember to follow your gut instinct...it is almost always correct (with regards to what your heart is telling you she is doing). Of course you can't follow your gut with what you want to do with what you know! This could end in losing her forever!
Giving her space right now is probably the best thing to do. Remember that most A's last only about 6mo and once the "honeymoon" stage is over she may start to realize what it is that she has done.
Take care of yourself...GAL and focus on you. I hope for the best for you. When I started down this road i said to myself that i would give it 1yr and if after a year things still hadn't changed then I would file for separation. After finding out that my H was in fact having an A with a co-worker and he told me that he didn't want to end it and didn't want the M I filed for separation. Not sure if this was the right thing to do but things were so bad that I couldn't see any way of repairing things
Bonuses for you: you are young and there are no children. It does make things less complicated and if it does end in divorce you have your whole life ahead of you and you will find someone else who will be willing to have the life with you that you deserve.
Hope some of this helps.
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
Thanks botany. I have been doing a good job taking care of myself and GALing - it has been the only part about all of this that has felt good. I don't know if I am going to put a timeline on things. I'm sure I will know when I have had enough. I have been working on the giving her space thing. I stopped trying to spend time together and we haven't spoken in a couple of weeks.
Her and I have both been to IC, but she refused to go to MC the last time I asked which was months ago.
M 25 W 25 Together since 2004 Married 11/2007 Bomb dropped 5/19/10 No children
MC is really for when she's decided to reconcile. That'll come in time if she's changing.
My wife mentioned "how long to try" last night. I wasn't going to put an artificial timeline on saving our marriage. I'll know when I've done all I can. In some ways, I feel close to that now.
Been a while since I have posted. I have done well at GALing and detaching, and W and I haven't spoken in over a month.
A while back I mentioned Retrouvaille to her. She said she knew she "owed it to me" to know that we tried and it didn't work out. Yesterday she emailed me and said she would sign up to go to Retrouvaille, but it was not so that we could get back together - she does not want that. She does want closure. Her biggest hesitation is that she is worried I think "this will fix us".
I don't know how she could say she would be going in with an open mind and heart after saying that, so I don't know if this will even matter. I really don't think I want to go if she isn't open to it working. I also don't understand why she would want to go if she is only looking for closure. Their website clearly says it is a program for saving marriages and doesn't mention anything about closure.
Do I think it will "fix us"? I don't know. I know that I am fixing me and that is what I am focusing on.
Maybe someone with Retrouvaille experience could help. Would it just be a waste of time?
M 25 W 25 Together since 2004 Married 11/2007 Bomb dropped 5/19/10 No children
I want to add one more thing here. Your W is about the same age as mine. My W said all the same things yours said, "I need to find myself" & "I've lost myself in this M" & "You've controlled me from being a person". Unfortunately, this is a typical cycle with women of this age. They are trying to grow up, and rebelling against the person they think has caused them not to be "able" to grow up. She blames you for it all, even if she doesn't say so - why else would she be leaving? She's immature, and needs to grow up. You can't do that for her.
I'd be careful generalizing this to a specific age group. My wife is 11 years older than this, and she's said the same exact phrases.
I'm not trying to generalize. I just recognized the same exact things his W has done and said, and I was able to relate. Plus, let's be honest, there's a huge difference in mentality between 25 and 36, regardless of circumstances leading up to the bomb.
The only difference is that an older woman would be more sure of what she wants and a younger woman would still be searching to find out what her real preferences are.
Other than that, no differences.
They both lost attraction for their existing spouses/partners, they both left to have affairs or contemplate having affairs. They both snuck around covertly to not get caught. They both said the same things and essentially FELT THE SAME WAY.
This is all about them chasing their feelings. They are guided by their feelings and emotions, not by logic and what the right thing to do is.
I wouldn't bother busting the affair, if she wants the other guy so badly, let her have him.
And you go out and enjoy yourself, hang out with your buddies, go out, meet other women, live life up, seriously bro, you're 25, the world is yours to take.
You pursue her and want her back because you were dumped. We have a natural affinity for balance, you want what you had before, it gave your life balance. You're now in limbo, still trying to decide if you should hang in there and "bust the affair", should you ask her to go to marriage counselling, should you go no contact, dark and all the other great catch phrases used around these parts. If you had dumped her and had the affair, you would be fine, you wouldn't be trying to get her back.
Let her go, even if you love her a lot and want her back badly, let her go. That's the loving thing to do, give her the freedom she wants, she wants to be free of you, let her go.
Set yourself free. Realize that giving her freedom is giving yourself freedom also.
Pack her things if you haven't already and ask her to pick them up.
Enjoy your life, life is too short to waste on people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you, if these people want out so badly, why would you want them to stay?
