How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

HIH

All the DB material about MLC and the runaway spouse seems to say; "don't argue, validate" etc. I found after a while that bearing the brunt of the blame for his A and his walking out was cramping my ability to do my job and be normal 'round my kids. I teach in an inner-city school in what is called a "priority education zone" (politely, an area where many are under the poverty line, more or less recently arrived immigrants and have problems at home). You can't go into a class of 15-year-olds there and not look them in the eye and show you know where you're going.I was going around like a zombie, thinking "I've been stupid and I've ruined my M and driven my H away into the arms of another". I felt inadequate and it was starting to show. Even my own kids don't need a doormat for whom they'll eventually lose respect.

That said, I'm afraid my words will only drive him further away, but as you said, DB or no DB, he's broken up the family and needs to see that he's made the choice, not anyone else. I am sure he's got advice from others, he comes out with stock expressions like "needing time" and "children bouncing back", he did not use them in the past. It's just intuition, but I feel he's prepared his arguments with others. What he says now is directly opposed to what he's said for years. It's like he has a sort of stock speech off by heart and serves up different bits of it according to what I say to him. Doesn't seem to be reasoning on his own, at all. Not like a responsible adult. Tonight, he rang to speak to the eldest, wants to pick her up after school tomorrow and see her with the others. She told him what she usually does: "if you want to see me, come here (our house). I don't want to go to your flat, I want to come home on the schoolbus". He just said "see you so" and hung up. He never tries to tell her he loves her or that he needs to see her, never shows much emotion. I tell her she needs him and he loves her, but she doesn't want to know.Over 12, she decides which parent, and it's me. She is his pride and joy, has many of his traits and he's so proud of her, yet can't get out of his funk long enough to talk to her like a father, reassure her. She blusters and makes light of this, but it's hurting her, she so hopes he'll come back.Just hangs up angrily when she refuses to do what he wants.

I believe he needs to see what he's doing, but arguing or getting angry (well, firm) are maybe not great DBing.

When you say "detaching", on a very practical level, how do you do this? I try to spend the morning (or an hour, a couple of hours) not thinking about the situation. But as soon as I stop working or reading, whatever, I think of him and miss what we used to have. Any good detaching remedies? Good luck, I hope she contacts you soon.
NCU