I know I would feel bad and at least say I'm sorry. Guess maybe she's vindictive.
NO.....YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOULD FEEL! I would have bet the lives of my children that I would have NEVER, EVER done what I did.......
She's being judged and sentenced and she knows that. The LBS comes off as be very self-rightous to the WAS. (I just got through saying this to another poster this morning.) You want her to repent. You want her to be heartbroken with sorrow for what she's done. I understand that, now......but when "I" was the WAW, that wall of resentment toward my H was so high that it took a very long time before I could repent to him. The WAW has to work all of that out in her heart/mind and it is usually not going to be when she's busted.
She will probably be a little vindictive...now, but I'd dare say it is more resentment toward you that she feels.
I hear all these LBS say, "There is NO excuse for an A!" But, did not God tell the man to love his W as Christ loves the Church? I just have my first time to see a woman who is M to the perfect man turn to OM. If the WAW gave her side of the story it still would not grant her permission for an A, but it might be more "understandable" why she was left vulnerable to those conditions. I not talking about your stitch.....but in general.
You are angry. That's good. But, be careful what you do with that anger, okay?
Last edited by sandi2; 09/14/1012:05 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The problem I have with this, Sandi, is that nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and part of being emotionally mature is knowing this and that having a better marriage requires both partners to be working on it, and the WAS is responsible for the state of the M too usually, and that resentment is partly the result of disillusionment founded on a misplaced sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations.
If an imperfect marriage is an excuse for an affair, then all married people have an excuse to have them.
I know your heart is in the right place: to get them to see their WAS with a little empathy, so I'll cut you some slack here based on my understanding of the context of the situation where you posted this.
For the record, I agree that there is a point in all of these tales (after exposure and protection) where the focus needs to shift to empathy.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/14/1012:20 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I know I would feel bad and at least say I'm sorry. Guess maybe she's vindictive.
NO.....YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU WOULD FEEL! I would have bet the lives of my children that I would have NEVER, EVER done what I did.......
She's being judged and sentenced and she knows that. The LBS comes off as be very self-rightous to the WAS. (I just got through saying this to another poster this morning.) You want her to repent. You want her to be heartbroken with sorrow for what she's done. I understand that, now......but when "I" was the WAW, that wall of resentment toward my H was so high that it took a very long time before I could repent to him. The WAW has to work all of that out in her heart/mind and it is usually not going to be when she's busted.
She will probably be a little vindictive...now, but I'd dare say it is more resentment toward you that she feels.
I hear all these LBS say, "There is NO excuse for an A!" But, did not God tell the man to love his W as Christ loves the Church? I just have my first time to see a woman who is M to the perfect man turn to OM. If the WAW gave her side of the story it still would not grant her permission for an A, but it might be more "understandable" why she was left vulnerable to those conditions. I not talking about your stitch.....but in general.
You are angry. That's good. But, be careful what you do with that anger, okay?
I don't know what to say any more. I'm just numb tbh.
I've sincerely apologized (not recently), written and verbal. Laid every skeleton bone found in my closet out on the table. Nothing left to say or hide. I bared my soul to her. I know I did many things wrong that pushed her to this point. However, she chose the way to go from there.
Yes, I want her to repent and feel sorrow, but I understand that is not going to happen.
She does resent me. Why does she continue to lie though? What's the point? Is it her protecting her feelings, is it a deep character issue, or is just her being vindictive?
Not trying to be stupid, I just can't think of any reason why. It would make more sense for her to blow up tell me everything I wouldn't want to hear, just to hurt me, and then walk away laughing or something. Not continue to lie.
Personally, it's too early to tell, but I think I'm letting go. I just don't feel anything right now. Or is this my wall of resentment building?
Imagine you are married to somebody, and you desperately want to feel love for them, but instead all you feel is resentment, anger, sadness and lonliness when you are with them. After a while, you give up, and all that is left is the resentment, anger, guilt for leaving (etc), and sadness.
Everytime you look at your marriage, you are looking back at every negative thing and re-living all of those negative experiences. You just want to feel alive, to enjoy life, to have hope for the future again, but ....
Not saying this is it exactly. But you get the point.
Nothing you do to argue about that, no self-righteous indignation, no begging or pleading, no angry tirade, no supplicating, and no amount of jealousy is going to change that.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/14/1009:37 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Since OM has "fogged" her up. She's not wanting anything to to do with me. She's not attracted to me, she's not thinking of anything except how she feels, and like Sandi is saying - she probably resents me.
Time to just re-focus on me and GAL. I need a break from all this.
I did get a little angry earlier, but at myself instead of her. I still get flashbacks of times she did try and reach out and because of me not knowing how to react and being stuck in addictive behaviors, screwed it up. Very frustrating.
I'm back to no contact. I need to heal. Nothing can be done now unless she either starts to miss me or feel real remorse. Just gonna become that guy I always should have been.
The problem I have with this, Sandi, is that nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and part of being emotionally mature is knowing this and that having a better marriage requires both partners to be working on it, and the WAS is responsible for the state of the M too usually, and that resentment is partly the result of The problem I have with this, Sandi, is that nobody is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and part of being emotionally mature is knowing this and that having a better marriage requires both partners to be working on it, and the WAS is responsible for the state of the M too usually, and that resentment is partly the result of disillusionment founded on a misplaced sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations.
Yes,and that is the defense of most LBS. Nobody's perfect, right....but where was the LBH when she was trying and working at her "responsibility" for the state of the M? Maybe you should make it your "mission" to be at every wedding cermony to inform couples (before they take their vows) that they (especially the bride) needs to expect resentment to her groom...partly b/c the result of disillusionment founded on a misplaced sense of entitlement and unreasonable expectations. I think most young people who are in love are partly disillusioned anyway, if they weren't....weddings may become history.
Quote:
If an imperfect marriage is an excuse for an affair, then all married people have an excuse to have them.
Did you see where I said that ANYTHING was a excuse for an A? I was trying to point out that the LBH should not act all holier than thou based on the fact he didn't have an A. I just get a little put out after I read hundreds of threads from LBH's who were so "good" and didn't deserve what the WAW did....yaya, yaya. I am not specifically refering to this stitch, btw. But if some of the LBH would really own up to his part of the failure, then I think the WAW would be better UNDERSTOOD. That is the point I'm trying to make.
Understanding is not excusing! I was trying to head off Faith before he took the seat of self-rightous attitude, and to explain that his WAW was not at the point of repenting. I have read many other threads where I saw this attitude and if only the LBH knew how that went against reconciling the MR he would do his best not to look down his holy nose at her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Faith, you do not have to apologize anymore. It is not a matter of you trying to say something that will fix her or the R. Time has to be a big part of her therapy, and that is with the expectation that she has stopped her EA.
If she is still lying about her A, it is either b/c she's going deeper undercover and thinks she can make you believe it was just your imagination.....or else she's in some kind of denial (which seems crazy, but the mind can do crazy things).
I think at this point, you need to focus on yourself GAL. Don't push her about her feelings toward anything. Don't ignore her or act cold, but treat her as if she was just a kid sister or somebody. The least thing can make her feel that you are smothering her.
If you still love her, then don't give up yet. Getting a life and focusing on the things you like does not mean you've given up.
I know it's confusing for you. I know it's awful. Try to be strong and take care of "you".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
