Hi all - moving here from Infidelity Board. My backstory is in the link above.
Here's where I am today. H is out of the house and most likely moving into new place in a couple of weeks. I have not spoken to him since 8/20. He will occassionally text me re: the kids and sees them on a regular basis. I am GAL, exercising, and generally doing OK.
But I miss my H. He was my best friend. I see him at S soccer games and I just want to give him a hug. Is it normal for me to feel this way? He had a A - I do not even know if it is over (co-worker). He has hurt me in unexplainable ways. Do these feelings of love and patience mean I have forgiven him?
We're in limbo. He is not talking to anyone (friends, family) that I know of. All I can do is focus on me and what's best for my kids. But I want to get to a place with H where we can talk again. I still want my marriage, but realize that has to be on the backburner for now. No pressure. But should I even try to open the lines of communication at this point?
I just read your threads, I am so sorry you find yourself in the position you are in. You will find support and acceptance here and also advice.
To answer your questions quickly and directly.
Originally Posted By: 4myboys
No pressure. But should I even try to open the lines of communication at this point?
No do not contact him unless you have to, this is hard I know....Patience. I have read that he is already sending you needless text messages. This sort of stuff will continue as he will be checking up on you. More on that later.
Let him come to you.
Originally Posted By: 4myboys
Do these feelings of love and patience mean I have forgiven him?
You will learn as time wears on that forgiveness is something you do for yourself first. Right now you are missing your H, and I do mean your H, not the alien currently inhabiting your H's body. Your feelings are completely normal.
True forgiveness feels different and is done so, not for what you may gain from your H but rather what you want to gain from yourself.
Hang in there...
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
The advice that you will get here is not that much different than what AA & PDT have given you. We may be a little less forceful, and we tend to be more of a self improvement board.
As cadet has said you are being given a gift of TIME. You need to use that time to make YOU the best you can be.
The basic premise for MLC is to outlast it. There are no magic trick or buttons to press.
Thanks for all the reading material! I'll spend the next couple of days reading and learning.
At some point in the very near future, I am going to have to discuss some financial matters with him. What's the best way to approach this, in your opinion?
4mb - So sorry you find yourself here. It sounds as if you have a good head on your shoulders. I do think detachment is the best way. I think that you need to think long and hard about the finances and what you need. Sometimes I think the LBS is so overwhelmed by the situation that they just take whatever. Wait to meet until you have worked through the finances and feel like you have a handle on what you need. Keep reading and re-reading the resources. IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Venting - H thinks I'm withholding the kids. He had left a message for them last night and I told them he called. The oldest S said he'd call him back later (he did not). The 2 younger ones didn't really care. Today H texts asking why they didn't call. I responded and said they received the message and that the oldest was supposed to call.
He said "I guess I thought you might have them call me back. I will not make that assumption again. I know I don't deserve anything from you but please don't use them to hurt me."
I did not respond, but I want to. I'm not withholding them from him. But it's also not my responsibility to force them to call him. He needs to set expectations with his kids, not me.
As far as the children are concerned they are the most important people to consider durng the MLC stuff.
As parents sometimes we have to suck it up for the sake of their well being and at other times we have to enforce strict boundaries to protect them.
Perhaps setting up a regular time with your H to call the kids would be best. I tried to get my H to call the kids after school so he could ask them about their day, etc. You kids will also learn to look forward to this special time with him.
In my situation there was a huge time difference so it didn't work too well but in theory.....
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
