Re: your bedroom question. I think that they do this as a form of a boundary. One that they impose on themselves. I think going back into the bedroom is a reminder of the old M that they are running from. Is it normal? Every MLC sitch is different as is every person.
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If/when she reaches that realization will she ever ask herself, 'how could my husband possibly love me after the damage I've caused?
IMO - yes. That is why it is so much better that you do not snoop or bring up the OP. It is something that she needs to deal with and the more you know the more she will feel like she cannot return home.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I think that they do this as a form of a boundary. One that they impose on themselves.
I guess that makes sense. Another 'self-imposed' boundary that my wife created is that, for a while, she wouldn't enter our home without knocking on the door first. When she moved out I never asked her to return her house key, and she can come and go as she pleases. I respect her personal space (her apartment), but have not tried to enforce her 'knock on the door' boundary when she comes over. She knows very clearly where is her real home. I will never enforce that boundary because of something my son said when she moved out. She had wanted to take both kids with her, and our son refused to go with her. (I guess I've said this a few times on here.)
When she asked him why, he told her: 1) He told her what shed is doing with her EA partner is wrong; 2) He didn't want to leave me alone; and 3) He asked her how she would feel if I ever tried to keep the two kids away from her and move away. I don't ever want to give my son the message that I don't want his own mom can't back to her own home by telling her that she has to return the house key or require her to knock every time she comes over. She is his home, not a visitor.
In any case, for the last couple of weeks she has stopped knocking on the door when she comes home, and simply comes inside the house. I wonder if this small change in her behavior(along with the seeming change in the bedroom boundary) could have anything to do with the accident with the little girl a couple of weeks ago? In an earlier message Lance suggested that this tragedy with the little girl might be the seed that leads to her awakening, so to speak. Who knows...
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That is why it is so much better that you do not snoop or bring up the OP. It is something that she needs to deal with and the more you know the more she will feel like she cannot return home.
That sounds pretty reasonable as well. I remember reading something similar on someone else's thread. Someone posted a message along the lines of it being easier for the MLC spouse to return home because the LBS spouse did not expose or snoop, etc...something like that...
The solutions are quite predictable. TIME! That is the real solution. Patience and lots of time!
I wish patience and time alone would heal my marriage, but that's not guaranteed. I've read in numerous forums, articles, etc... that the majority of people experiencing a mid-life crisis all seem to read from the same 'script.' - i.e. "Projecting blame, want/need to escape, ILYBINILWY, and the list goes on... If that's true, and it does seem to be an eerily accurate portrayal of my MLC wife, I guess I just wondered where's the Almanac that shows me how to predictably/successfully navigate my marriage back to calm waters.
For example, I can look at an Almanac and tell with relative accuracy when the next full moon is going to happen. Some of things an MLC spouse says and does often seem more predictable than the moon's cycle. Sometimes the things they say and do are more predictable than gravity even! Soooo, again, where's the flip side? Isn't there some MLC physics book somewhere that teaches you, "Hey, when you see a tree falling in the forest (i.e. your MLC spouse is going nuts), you get out of it's path [to save yourself and your marriage]." I know none of us here would just sit and wait patiently until the tree finishes falling to see if it actually hits us or not.
I'm just venting and thinking out loud. Nothing personal to anyone here...
I wish patience and time alone would heal my marriage, but that's not guaranteed. I've read in numerous forums, articles, etc... that the majority of people experiencing a mid-life crisis all seem to read from the same 'script.' - i.e. "Projecting blame, want/need to escape, ILYBINILWY, and the list goes on... If that's true, and it does seem to be an eerily accurate portrayal of my MLC wife, I guess I just wondered where's the Almanac that shows me how to predictably/successfully navigate my marriage back to calm waters.
Looks like you are still trying to figure it out. Are you an engineer by trade? Just wondering.
Mental - everyone is different, every sitch is different. You really cannot figure this out.
You know sometime we talk about MLC like it is something that can be clearly defined and figured out. It almost like if he or she does X in month 6 of the bomb then in 16 months the following will happen. Sorry to say it does not work that way.
Stop looking for the magic bullet will ya. It does not exist. Do you know what does exist?
YOU
So focus on what does exist and leave the rest to God or Budha or the Universe or ....well ya get my point.
BTW - do you have a headache? All of this think about her and when and what if...must give ya one.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
1.YOU get to do the work first. 2.YOU get to do the work knowing what you know about time/MLC.(This is BIG because MLC'ers haven't got a clue) 3.YOU get to do this all without the guilt/mess/pain (I know as LBS we have unbelievable pain too). 4.YOU are already doing some of the work by being here and getting a little of the outline of all of this. 5.IF you invest yourself, books, actions, reading here on this board, GALing, how can you not become more attractive to your W IF she comes back? BUT, you are not doing it for her, you are doing it for yourself. Whether it is a relationship with your W or somebody else. YOU WILL WIN. Walk in the park? NOPE.
Reading your post, I thought the same way you did. Where the HE!! is the instruction book on this. I still get that feeling from time to time. Maybe everyday. You have all the tools here. You get to be a 1 percenter out there with all the men who don't have a clue. You found yourself here on this board. That puts you in a class of your own right there. There are so many women out there who wished their husbands would fight for their marriage. YOU get to be that husband if YOU make it happen.
The more I look at this stuff, the more I see just a little more. None of us signed up for this. Very few would. You got drafted SIR!
I like the Almanac thing, hit a nerve with me. The more you post stuff like that the more others can relate to what is in your head.
I thought I could just sit back and let this thing run it's course. She will figure it out eventually. DA..MN!! Can't do that. Have to learn some life lessons? Thought I knew it all. Found I have no clue.
Again, from the disclaimer on the top, this is all my opinion. Somehow, you have found yourself in the same situation that I am in. Roughly the same time frame by DAYS!! Wife saying the same stuff, doing the same goofy things. Everyone here gets to learn from each other and I have got lots to learn. Thank God I have some time. I can't digest this in a one week course. This is going to be life lessons with labs (Actions/experiences in your life).
I still, like you, want her to finish this up this week/month.
I just felt like posting a small story. My wife is feeling the consequences of not living at home and being [directly]actively involved in our son's daily life with school, etc... I mentioned before how she was upset on missing our son's school open house. She surprised me today because, for the first time since she moved out, instead of projecting her guilt/anger onto me, she somewhat opened up and shared her feeling(s) about something with Gabe (i.e. allowed herself to be vulnerable).
Last school year Gabe would either call or text my wife every morning before he got on the bus, and every single afternoon as soon as he got off the bus. Since school started two weeks ago he has only called/texted me, and has not called/texted her one time. I've reminded (not ordered) him a handful of times that he should tell her as well, but so far he has not. I spoke to my wife on the phone today and she shared with me that she feels hurt that Gabe doesn't call or text her anymore before/after school. I told her I'd remind him (again) to call/text, and her reply was, "It's okay. He doesn't have to if he doesn't want to. It hurts that he doesn't do it anymore though."
I felt kind of torn inside. The angry part of me felt like this is one of the consequences of her moving out, and as rude as it sounds, maybe feeling this pain, this dis-connect with her son, will jolt her a little bit to wake up to what she has done. On the other hand, I felt a sense of pity for my wife, simply because of the fact that a mother should never have this kind of dis-connected relationship with her own child.
The depression/confusion for the MLC spouse has to be extremely draining for them. Just a few days ago my wife was complaining to me that she thinks Gabe probably watches too much t.v at home. I 'gently' tried to tell her that Gabe and I rarely watch tv at home, and only occassionally watch movies on the computer together. It offended her. Her response was, "No. He must watch alot of tv at home, because whenever he watches tv with me at the apartment, he knows way too much information about the commercials that come on the tv." Sensing that I was about to engage in a losing battle, I simply agreed to remind our son not to watch too much television.
When I spoke to our son I told him what his mom said. His response was, "But dad. Mom lets me watch wayyyyyyyy more tv at the apartment! I don't hardly watch tv over here. She lets me watch tv at night, and then again the next morning. That's why I know the commercials!" I just told him that I agreed with his mom that it's not good to watch too much tv, and that he should obey our basic 'home' tv rules, which are: no tv on school nights, etc... Gabe's reply was, "But, I want mom to know what really happened! I don't want her to get mad at me for something that's not true!" I told him not to argue with her, and just try to understand the basic rule(s). His final reply was, "So, you don't want me to tell the truth?!"
First, he feels compelled to lie to the neighbors because he's too embarrassed to tell them that his mother and sister no longer live at home. Then, he's upset because I ask him not engage in conflict with his mom, even though he's right about the tv situation. Poor kid... How do I help him keep a good view of his mom, and this whole mess??
And now, my wife allows herself to be somewhat vulnerable by sharing her feelings. How do I balance my feeling of 'wanting' her to face the consequences of her actions vs. feeling sorry for her because...well, because she's my wife, and our kids' mom?
Soooo, again, where's the flip side? Isn't there some MLC physics book somewhere that teaches you, "Hey, when you see a tree falling in the forest (i.e. your MLC spouse is going nuts), you get out of it's path [to save yourself and your marriage]." I know none of us here would just sit and wait patiently until the tree finishes falling to see if it actually hits us or not.