Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

Wanted to get my thoughts down after some very thought provoking posts to my thread last week.

I have been reading the last 3 pages of posts over and over again and I have been thinking and trying to sort out things before I posted.

This is more about that fact that you finally realize that this really is your choice.....and that scares you.

That you have that freedom. It is a scary place to be in...

Your choice really doesn't have to be one or another right now....

This ^^^^^up here I know....in my head and sometime during the last 2 or 3 weeks I felt it and hell yes it scared me. I considered filing my self, I downloaded the forms, found out the particulars and I thought about it.

Thought about it long enough and thought I was far enough along that I could initiate a R talk because I didn't care what happened as a result. I thought "well if I'm done, it doesn't matter if the R talk pushes her further away, so fine I have the talk".

Thinking that I might as well ask her where she is at, just in case, she has completely changed her mind and she just has not let me know....LOL. Can't believe I have been at this for over a year and just now realized that if she changed her mind I pretty much will be the first one to know....DUH!!!!

Then this.....VVVVVVVVV down here......

You said you were wondering if you were really done, wondering when you would be done. You know it was temp taking, but I have to wonder who's temp you were taking?

Breal,
Thank you for putting this into perspective, this is really what I was doing upon reflection......

So what is my temperature??? Done.....Not Done????

I have been pondering that over the weekend.....

Then I realized I don't have to do anything.....soooooo, it does not matter right now........

Let her go and just BE. Be you for awhile.

This is what I need to do.

But while I was taking my temperature I forgot to watch out for the other thing and that one is called.....

LBS Cycling.........
I ran back into the prison and started looking around and I am working on walking back out again.
I don’t view this as a negative event, I am just letting things come and go and right now I know for a fact that I am not done, probably not even close which is a change from about a week or 2 ago. I am not in pain just sort of a state of limbo as far as my marriage goes.

How to describe it????? A couple of weeks ago I was leaning towards not wanting my marriage and this week I am leaning towards wanting it. I know I am free to do whatever I want and therefore I choose nothing because I don’t have to make a choice right now.

I still wrestle with how to treat my W…..I started being a little more friendly to her last week and I think that got me back where I am now. Over the weekend I came in with my D13 from her soccer game and my W was at the house hanging out with our S10 b/c I was gone for 4-5 hours at the soccer game.

When I came in my W did not rush off in fact she sat there for a while totally relaxed and we chit chatted. It was 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon so I grabbed a couple of beers and offered her one and she said sure. I went out on the patio and asked her if she wanted to come out and sit and she did. We sat there and talked and enjoyed a beer for 30 minutes. Nothing serious we just talked about the kids mostly and some other things, we were at ease and I think we would could have sat there for an hour or two the rest of the afternoon and into the evening.

As I was sitting there talking to her and watching her I was thinking to myself, “Why is it that we can do this but we can’t get the rest of the relationship back in the road?” And that is when I started to cycle back a little to wanting my marriage. Nothing else happened, my S10 decided he wanted to spend the night with her so I said fine no problem and my D13 went to a friend’s to spend the night so I was free to do what I wanted for the evening. I ended up going to a local sports bar with my best friend and watching some college ball and grabbing a bite to eat and it was a good time.

I think I will move towards the prison gates again but maybe a little slower this time. I really want to be able to try to be friendly with my wife and let go completely at the same time. When I was business like and indifferent I felt myself move quickly and I got scared and started to question my feelings.

Yes, You still love her, and you always will Swiss....

Just the way it is.....

This I know and I think I am going to stop trying to figure out how to stop it and just accept it. I think that the freedom I need to “feel” needs to come to me while I am being me and being me is being more than indifferent to my W. I don’t know if I can be her “friend” in divorce, I have always said that I would not but maybe I can be friendly……if nothing else it is easier on me.

Cheers