One other observation is that it is amazing how much these WAS's DON'T think about before walking out the door. They seemed shocked that they miss their kids and won't neccessarily get to see them every day, that they will actually have to work more, that they will start having to pay for their own insurance, cars, etc.
I don't know about you but if I were going to walk out and be on my own I would have had this well sorted out ahead of time. It seems like these WAS's just let their emotions drive them and then react to all of the above with a sense of entitlement that is pretty bewildering. When they realize that this is going to be harder than they thought things get ugly fast.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Not much has changed really except that I am ready to retain a lawyer and have abandoned trying to hammer out a deal with WAW. I realized that I have been too generous with her. I shouldn't be paying her to work part time I realized and I also decided that I will likely sell the family home rather than buy her out. I just can't afford to keep it, even though her family will provide the money to buy her out.
There are two benefits to selling the house. I get her out of my hair. I can't keep her away from the place. She is always asking me when I am leaving, coming around when I am not home, etc and I am really tired of it. By law, once I buy her out, she wouldn't have access. However, she has gotten unrealistic about how much she should get for her half of the equity. The other benefit is the support amount I pay her goes down dramatically because I would no longer have a write off.
When I discussed selling the house and reducing the support amount we discussed she got crazy. That's when I decided I probably need to finally bite the bullet and hire my lawyer officially and let him drive this to conclusion. If I am hiring a lawyer I am going for it all - assuming she works full time and determining support based upon that.
I will probably pay his retainer later this week to get the ball rolling.
Based upon when I filed the D could have been final in January, but I am not sure it will be done then.
I am still with my new GF. Things are going well except after 4 months she still hasn't met all my kids (only S19 briefly). We are taking it really slow there.
I want to introduce her soon, however. WAW will go nuts. She still hasn't brought OM around them.
D sucks, it really does just like they all tell you. Even though I love my GF I still would have chosen to have a chance to save my M amazingly enough. It is too late now, but if I had been given the chance before she left I would still go back to that time and try.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Sounds like you have pretty much washed your hands of your W, and she's not doing anything to cause you to question that.
Glad to hear you are doing well. It is still unfortunate that a divorce is eminent, but you did all you could, and put up with a lot to try to avoid it. All of the mess is on her.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Yes pigskin. I think a long-time member of this board but now absent, smileyperson, said it best 'Embrace the Suck'.
That is what I am doing. However, I am realizing that there is another world out there. Many things about my life are better now without WAW, but new challenges obviously exist (financial, kids).
We go on, tackling the issues in front of us head-on and one by one, but without as much emotional baggage to contend with.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Hey trying - I really like your outlook and your steady movement into the new and exciting world of what comes next?!
I too have accepted the end game and while it will Suck for a while, it's really sucking all of the negative past from my head and providing myself a clean slate to tackle all of those upcoming issues that I can't even fathom all of yet!
I think you've found the best possible alternative to the whole WAW syndrome - yourself. You know your'e in there, you just need the key to let yourself back out into the rest of the world. The hardest thing to realize is that YOU ARE the locksmith!
Striving to get where you are!
DD
Me 49 H 46 M 23yrs T 25 yrs Bomb Drop 4/2010 S22/D19/D15/S13
Same roof, different beds
"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Keep pushing forward DD. I see you have 4 kids just like me. You had kids around the same age as we did as well. The timing in many cases is very common it seems.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I retained my L. He sent her a letter announcing the fact and that he would like to have her see an occupational counselor/evaluator to determine her earning capability given that she insists that it is not possible for her to work full time.
Last weekend my S12 had a sleepover birthday party here at the house. WAW spent most of the afternoon/evening here helping with the party. She had warned me that she wanted to do this and I didn't object. It was strange, however, being in the same house with her again for several hours. Strange, but yet not so strange. My attitude towards her was that she was just someone there helping with the party, nothing more, nothing less, and it really wasn't hard to be in that place.
Its a huge contrast when she was living in the house still and I was trying to apply DB techniques, acting 'as if', not pursuing, etc etc. That was a lot of work. I think if I could have been in the place I am now back then it could have made a difference, because WAW's can tell when you are trying to do these things.
Last night I brought GF to my parents' house to have dinner so she could meet my brother and dad (she already met my mother). WAW had the kids this weekend, but S19 lives with me full time. I told him Grandma was having dinner, that I was bringing GF so she could meet uncle, and that he was invited too if he wanted to go. He chose to not go and stay at his mom's - he isn't interested in being around my GF and I haven't pushed it, except that I wanted him to know she was coming last night.
WAW had a FIT. She starts calling/texting telling me to not be pushing GF onto my 'kids' (note I didn't involve any other kids except S19 who I share the house with, and it was totally optional for him, I wanted to let him know he was invited and not excluded just because GF was there).
Since he was staying at WAWs last night and we got done with dinner late and had been drinking GF stayed here with me (she has done that before, but when S19 was out of town). She lives about 30 miles away and there is a mountain to drive over to get there.
Next morning WAW was sending me more crap about that - how could I have a woman over when kids could come home unannounced etc et.
She has a point, but GF left pretty early this morning, and again S19 knew she was there.
This whole thing about bringing GF around my kids is a thorny issue.
This is the kicker, however - WAW says "you have only been with her for 4 months and are already having her spend the night and taking trips with her. I have been with my 'friend' for 3 years and still haven't tried to bring him around kids, ..."
Here is the part that is funny - the reason she hasn't brought him around was because she was CHEATING so OBVIOUSLY she hadn't. That is also why she still can't bring him around now (because it further proves she was CHEATING with him and it wasn't just a 'friend'). Ironic. I have first introduced GF to my family before my kids. She can't even do that with OM because her family wants nothing to do with him.
It makes me appreciate the fact that I am starting a R from the right place. Her R with OM will never be right because it started the wrong way.
All you LBSs out there take note - you will move on from this place of pain and your foundation will be much stronger than WAWs when you do, especially if they try to stay with OM (still in secret in my WAW's case).
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
WAW never responded to my L's letter and as far as I can tell she hasn't retained her own. He sent her another letter asking her to submit to an occupational evaluation to determine her income potential. There is an initial conference scheduled for 12/7 that my L will attend. The screws are tightening.
I got some strange text msgs from WAW over the past week. I was out of town with GF last weekend and she send me some snide comment like
"It must be nice going on vacation first to *** and now this trip - and to think every one feels sorry for you"
Its kind of funny but while its true people do feel sorry for me because they wouldn't have wanted to go what I've been through with her, they (including her own family) are thrilled that I have found someone else. Its waaaaay sooner than I thought, however.
I don't respond to this stuff. I got some other frantic-sounding texts one night when I wasn't home because I was staying at GF.
On Thanksgiving she had the kids and I spent the day with GF's family. She sent me a message talking about the holiday schedule with the kids, and said: "Maybe we can share the day with them (each get them part of day). I know you didn't want any of this. I am so sorry."
I have heard her say sorry a couple times over the past two months.
The remaining holidays will be interesting. I also am looking at the last holidays in our house most likely. Kids don't realize it, but the house will likely go up for sale soon, possibly before the end of the year. My L was going to file a motion to put the house up for sale before the D is final.
Not sure if I mentioned it in earlier posts, but I decided to sell the house to lower my expenses and also even out our tax situations since it has a big impact on how much support I pay due to the huge writeoff I get from the house.
To think that I am spending my last months in the house is kind of sad. It is a great house that I have always really liked. I'd be selling it at a big loss but I take it in stride with everything else. Yeah, I didn't want to lose my home, but I also didn't want my wife to have an affair and give up on the marriage, be a parent only half time to my kids, face the financial difficulties, etc. The house is just one more thing along with the rest of it. Selling the house, however, will also be part of starting over and wiping the slate clean.
Who knows, I might end up moving in with GF at some point in the next year anyway. I will have a lot of other things to consider. If GF and I make this more permanenet and move in together I will likely be moving to a town 30 minutes away. Half custody of my kids probably won't be possible. I may end up with an every other weekend situation. We'll see. Lots of things need to land between here and there.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
