cheated on, lied to, and now I am moving on

[awest1217]

Better today. H did ask about the parenting meeting, which is this Saturday at the earliest. He says he wants to try to get in, but who knows. Now he is complaining because he has to go to drop off the paperwork by 4. That is why I gave him the paperwork BEFORE school started.

I also asked why he still wore his ring. To me, the ring symbolizes the committment we made to each other that he broke so I wonder why he wears it, and that is all I said I wonder why you are still wearing your ring? He responded because it is important to me. I didn't say anything else because I don't want to, but at some point all of my hurt and anger will need to be expressed in a productive way. There isn't a lot, but I do feel at some point I will write out an e-mail to H (I probably won't send it), but at least that way all the negative is out. If I do send it, it will just be to clear everything out so that I can move on and so he understands where I am at. I just don't understand how this ring can be more important to him than his marriage and the commitment that ring symbolizes.

It is coming up on a year since he left the 2nd time, saying he would be back in no more than a month, and a year later hasn't even tried. That wound is a little sore today for some reason...maybe it is because of the fall weather that is like the fall weather when H left. Also I have the fall fragrances in teh house again which could also be reminding me of that time. Not bothering me too much, but sort of like how around the time of the anniversary of my dad's death (not always the exact day), I am a little sad about the loss. Something during that time, like playing in the snow or seeing a certain restaurant, will trigger the memories and I will remember the loss. Same with this.

Lastly, I was thinking last night about dating and moving on. I still believe I will date at some point and probably even marry again, but it will never be like this one. I still love H very much, and every once in a while that comes up. I want him to be happy and healthy. I want him to have a great life. I wish him the best. So in some ways I wonder if that part of me will ever be open to anyone else. I am sure the intensity of the love will fade with time (it has happened before with another guy), but I wonder if there could be anyone else out there. My standards are so much higher now with S. Just all thoughts...