Ominus Bonus

[steady]

I just had an interesting thought about 180's. I think most people approach them from the wrong direction - as a way to somehow manipulate their spouse to notice or become re-interested in them.

I see 180's as a way to restore balance internally to ourselves and also to the way we function and behave in relationships.

Obviously, if you find yourself here, you're relationship is out of balance. The way I see it there is no 'relationship' entity, but rather two individuals coming together.

The only way to improve a relationship is by improving the way each individual thinks, behaves, etc.. Usually both people are out of balance to some degree when a R gets into a crisis state.

180's are a way to bring us into balance. Since we are the only person we can do anything about as far as changing we work on ourselves. In doing so we hope the healthy and functional changes have a positive effect on our relationship and our spouse.

If you work too many hours a 180 would be to spend more time at home. If we are too aloof, a 180 would be to be more engaging with our spouse. If we are smothering giving our spouse space is a 180.

GAL'ing is a positive change in relation to the fact that both individuals need to have a life outside of their R in order to have a healthy R. Having a life independent of our spouse has a number of positive effects - not the least of which is something else to talk about other than the day to day family/children stuff which can get very boring and monotonous over time.

(I know the post is disjointed - just capturing thoughts as they come)

I think the problem is most people look at 180's as a way to 'get what they want' - a re-commitment to reconcile. This is a wrong approach because it is based on control and manipulation - something I believe is ultimately impossible to succeed at as I've stated in many of my posts here on the boards.

Like many here have said - the best way to save your M is to save yourself. We do this by restoring balance in ourselves and in our own lives with the hope it has a positive effect on the M and our spouse.