Journaling:

I ended up not being able to sleep all saturday night. Was just too depressed, angry, scared. Decided to write H a letter. I spewed out all of the negative angry things that I had been thinking about the whole situation and what I have been hearing from mutual friends and family. I have not asked anyone a single question about him-they just volunteer information, which is so frustrating. I had written the letter on my e-mail....then I sent it to myself instead of him. It made me feel a bit better to get all of it out and to be as spiteful and angry as I wanted without actually saying it to him. If he goes through my e-mail he might find it, but I'm not sure that would be a bad thing.

Went to a car show with some friends on sunday. H was supposed to come home sunday night to pick up clothes and do laundry. He never showed. Monday I tried to get in touch with a friend of a friend who is a real estate agent. Trying to figure out how I'm going to be able to get a house in a decent part of town without a full time job and no savings. It's impossible to find an apartment that will allow my 120# dog. Signed up for a writing class with my Aunt. Talked to some people about jobs. So I made up a bit for saturday's self-pity wallow-fest. Have been working on cooking things that I've always wanted to learn to cook. I stopped cooking for the most part during M, because H considered himself to be the better cook, so he would criticize-it was childish of me to let it get to me, but it did. Been practicing cooking ribs-at the very least, it is giving me some interesting stories!

Tomorrow my mom is coming to town to go see her oncologist and get her prognosis. I'm hoping for the best and expecting the worst. Trying to work on staying positive for her. Think I am going to have to take some kind of sleep aid to get some rest tonight.


M 45
H 44
no kids-one great dog
M 15 yr in Oct T 18 yr
Bomb 6/10 "I can't be your husband any more"