my 1st post - H "done" w/marriage need help

[anniemc]

i have a few questions for anyone interested in responding.

first - i hear people talk about retrouvaille - i ordered some info online which just came the other day. How (if at all) do you recommend getting your WAH interested in attending something like that with the LBS when you're in my situation where he doesn't live here anymore and has stated he doesn't want the marriage anymore. Related to this - for those who have gone, is it any good??

second - when, if at all, is it the right time to give WAH a copy of the DR book?? We all almost to a fault indicate the same thing in our posts "wish i had found the book sooner..." - so in an effort to provide an "ahh haa" moment for our WAH/WAS - would it be so wrong to mail him a copy of the book and hope he reads it? As silly as it may sound, i really truly beleive that one read of the book and a whole lot of wasted time could be saved. Has anyone tried this??

third - WAH about two weeks ago tried to pick an argument about why i didn't set up another mediation appointment. He remembered our last conversation about this topic wholly incorrectly. I positively told him then that I would not be setting up another appointment with the mediator since that was something I did not want. He has no recollection of that. Anyhow, long story short, very calmly I explained how i thought he was not in a good place (during the same conversation he admitted to being depressed and lonely/unhappy/sad (one of those words)) and how i thought it was dangerous to make a life defining decision (move forward with legal separation/divorce) when his head wasn't clear and he wasn't in a good place. I talked to him about "learning a lot about myself" and the "things I did right and wrong" and how I "hit my rockbottom" and how if I had made finite decisions before I made my transformation it would have been an awful decision. It really appeared to me that he wasn't listening (even though he didn't want to have a conversation in person and therefore this was all over the phone). He said he would take care of setting up the appointment. The only other thing he said was something to the effect of "what don't you understand? so you want me to wait another six months only to tell you the same thing??" That proved to me once again that he just isn't in a place to make it work. He's more interested in putting all his energy into keeping up the "wall" than actually feeling anything. But, almost two weeks later, he has yet to make the mediation appointment. But, on the same note, he seems more distant than ever. Thoughts?? I'm so afraid that he's going to get so used to not having the "family life" that we once had - so used to "being alone" as his new "normal" that he will just give up totally (as if he hasn't already). So, how do I know that things are working the way I hope versus the risk that my actions are telling him that I just don't care and I/the twins are OK on our own without him. That seems like a very delicate balance - and when the WAH is not willing to communicate about anything important, how do I know which one it is??

Oh yeah, and WAH has been seeing a counselor for about 8 or so months now. Dare I say that he seems angrier now - 8 months later - than he was when he started? It frightens me what this counselor is doing to him/telling him. It can't possibly be "keep your wife in limbo"...

Many thanks...