MLC 5 years on

[Sanderika]

Hi Punkin,

I agree with your thoughts as well....

I worked my butt off unselfishly to put a family back together, a
good family. My hope to the bitter end was that one day we would be fortunate to have each other again to love and support and respect and enjoy. I believed in the power of hope and love.

I thought our lives would once again be joined as they were meant to be....I have to wonder now if I truly knew what was meant to be....I was so insistent within myself and convincing to myself that I knew what was "the right thing" for us all....

I truly believed that my constant love, kindness, care and concern towards my H would be all that we needed to reconcile.

I still do not understand what my H truly feels and believes....
I don't think he knows either, I think he has made a choice and is going to run with it, be it right or wrong. He made a choice....

Hope....I will never lose it. I am going to re-direct it for better use for me and son, perhaps on a different path now.....

I have to give up my stand......I will lose me forever if I don't. My son needs me.

Beatrice, I can't thank you enough for starting this thread. You started it on my birthday. I needed to share with others who have been in the same place for a long time, as I have....(((Hugs)))

Sanderika

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I admire both of your persistence, and also believe in the "no regrets on my deathbed" approach. I just do think one has to be really careful to do the hard work necessary to fully understand where "unconditional love" ends, and "co-dependency" begins. This is dangerously close, in my opinion:

To me....the world doesn't make any sense without H being by my side.

I think it's healthy to WANT these things; it's generally considered unhealthy to NEED these things.

Puppy

[Sanderika]

Dear Puppy,

I thank you for your wise insight and wisdom. I frequently look for your posts for much advice and direction.

I WANT my H in my life, I am not the sort of woman who NEEDS a man.

I was raised to be independent. The company my H and I started is Rigging and Heavy Hauling. Our career choice has taken him away from home many many times over the past 27 years. I sometimes would go 2-3 weeks alone at home to keep the home fires burning and company running efficiently. I am very capable of handling just about anything that could get dumped in my lap. Sorry if I seem defensive, I'm not meaning to be.

I think for me, I feel that H and I had a connection so great that no one or nothing could break it. I thought H felt the same. Heck, we grew up together...we have been together for 31 years, even during the last 5 he has not truly left us/it.

As a couple we endured many sacrifices and struggles to build a life together and a successful company. I thought we were inseparable.

I WANTED my H to continue to be my life partner to support each other and continue on the path of hopes and dreams we created together. I WANTED my H to remain in our lives to raise our son together under the same roof. I WANTED to, hopefully, be a Grammy and a Grandpa together to have a single home for them all to come back to. I WANTED to grow old with him.....I WANTED the romantic, happy ending....I believe in that....

I truly feel that the world doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe I have become co-dependent. Maybe I need to let H go for me and the possibilities out there waiting for me. I am letting H go because he wants to go. I really want H to stay. Perhaps I am looking to save the marriage because it has been my whole life commitment. Perhaps I am scared to seek out the unknown. Perhaps I am comfortable and don't like changes. I have a lot to think about now....

I have always been the girl who knew what she wanted and worked hard to get it done. I have always taken the road to success. I am wondering if I simply feel like I have failed, for me failure was never an option.

I am very ambitious. In the 2+ years I have not worked at my own company daily I have picked up two part time jobs with 2 local General Excavating Contractors. I need to be busy. I also have for the most part raised my son from the ages 9-14 pretty much single handed. Another note: My son has mild Asperger's Syndrome which effects his social abilities, a challenge for sure to deal with. AND, I have maintained my home inside and out alone. I am not a wuss.

It just donned on me that I might be getting angry. My post seems to be angry. That might be a good thing for me right now. I have been very complacent/passive in the past 5 years and perhaps anger will take me out of this mode.

Dear Puppy I want to thank you for giving me something to think about. I am going to delve into my inner being and figure this out....

Thank you for your thoughts and comments,

Sanderika

[TRUSTING]

Wonderful posts. The posts about OW ring so true in my case also. They are so manipulative and cunning, but the ML'ers are too blind to see them for what they truly are.
The OW will be my ex's downfall and demise.

Some people are just self-destructive by nature. There is nothing we can do to help them. This is the path of emptiness they take. I am convinced that no matter what I would have done, ex would be down the same road. There are certain things ingrained in people that have to play out.

[beatrice]

This has been interesting. When I said that divorce is just a piece of paper, I was not trying to say I agree with that view. The decision to divorce on the part of the MLCer is almost inevitable. It is piece of paper to them, but it is the ending of our world for us, the world we knew and the relationship we had. It formally ends a contract and a promise to commit. Something the MLCer cannot do.

Most MLCers have an under developed sense of personal responsibility, and so they tend to marry people like us, with over developed, or highly developed sense of responsibility. We keep the show on the road, and they are actually grateful until they come to resent it. At that point they see us as controlling.

So of course they usually go looking for someone who is diametrically opposite to us.

I am not sure that people are self destructive by nature. Something happens in their development, but I agree that there is nothing that we can do, except go on feeling compassion for someone that takes a wrecking ball to their life. Yes, they leave a trail of wreckage and devastation, but what they have done to us is less than what they have done to themselves.

All of the people on these boards are hurting, or have been hurt. But you haven't inflicted pain and suffering on people you love and who you KNOW in your deepest heart did not deserve this. That is what our spouses have done. And they have to live with it, and their pain that drove them to it. Even in our hurt it is they who are to be pitied.

Sanderika - at some point we have to feel anger. I also believe at some point we have to cut the cord, and detach totally from them so that they can go into free fall.

It is hard to know how many come back. I have come to think that a MLC takes a very very long time. The ones that we see resolved quickly are unusual. WCW is in her 7th year, I believe, and I think Holly is gradually reconciling nearly 5 years on.

If we look on a time frame of 5-7 years as the norm, with the possibility of it being longer, we might get less despondent about the lack of progress. . . but equally we might decide in the early stages that we cannot wait that long. This time we have enables us to evaluate what we value in life, in ourselves, and what we valued in our marriage.

We learn patience. As many people have said, the resolution of a MLC takes TIME.

[WCW]

It takes time for sure to outlast a MLC! Sept 2003 was when it started for my H.

I believe that about 2 years ago I told my H that we could not continue living the way we were, the way he had developed our M was not a life that I chose to continue. I left it up to him to take the next steps. I said I would prefer that we continue together but it would have to be better than we were, and if he couldn't do that I asked him to finish what he had started.

Slowly, very very slowly, he has been returning.

[Sanderika]

Yes, Ladies and Puppy, this is a very interesting thread.

I wish I had found this website when my sitch began. I did not find it until 3 years in. I was remarkably surprised that many of the DB techniques that were coming naturally to me were highly recommended on this board.

I know that time was on my side, a friendship was re-created.

I also have become a believer that the longer the crisis the less likely a return by the MLC spouse. I think most H's eventually file for a divorce, mine has done it twice now, I am inclined to believe that he means it this time even though we have traveled miles back towards each other. I am going with that thought regardless.

I have to admit I am a very tired woman. I am quite emotionally drained and I could use some time to heal and recover. I have spent the last 3 days pondering over many things about the past, present and future. My reflections for the most part have not given me any comfort. I have decided that I am simply going to be Jxxx's Mom. I like that thought!!!

Beatrice, Your post was very interesting to me. You have described many things I thought about my H and mirror my feeling about myself.

I am going to cut the cord completely. Today, we saw my H on our way to work and school this morning. Maybe we were cruel, but neither son or I waved or looked at him. (Consequences For Actions)

WCW, I could have outlasted my H's MLC, he couldn't last.

I figure my H's MLC started around the time of his mother's death in 10/2004. That actually puts us at 6 years. Your story certainly presents hope for some who are 5-7 years into this world of pure madness.

One of the things my H has said recently was that over the past 3 months he lost his desire to do things and was very miserable and extremely unhappy. Of course, In his opinion I was the cause of all this sudden turmoil. Hence, he files for a divorce again. What he was/is experiencing is depression which I have learned is usually the last step towards the end. If I am right, I am doubly disappointed. I assumed this is when they will return if they ever do. I am now led to believe that he never will return. He is one of those who can't.

I actually believe that I am not his problem, the family is not his problem. The OW is the problem only she is too manipulative and cunning and has him snowed, snowed, snowed!! Poor H, I really feel bad for him.....

Beatrice and WCW, I would love to know more about you both, I hope we keep posting.

Thank you very much,

Sanderika

[beatrice]

Hi, much of my history is very similar to others'. Behaviour change first started but slowly, with depression, in March 03, but major change in behaviour and OW during summer 05 and bomb in October 05 when he left me to live with OW.

Attempts to return in March, June August and December 06, but after February 07 very little contact until September 08 when I learned he had advanced cancer. I saw him at that point and would have gladly nursed him, but he wanted OW to do this. Which was painful. Needless to say she had little real interest in this, but managed to extract a lot of money out him. Others actually had to care for him. He had major surgery and has made a good recovery.

He filed for divorce January 09 having threatened it for the previous 2 years, but has called it off twice. However it is now back on the road.

My husband is one of the very very angry and hostile ones, and we have not been able to remain friends, as I understand friendship. In his eyes I am to blame for everything, but like you, know this is nothing to do with me. It is all about him.

He has also driven his children away by his behaviour towards them, although this is also my fault in his eyes, because I didn't take his leaving well. It is so ridiculous it isn't worth thinking about.

My husband has also told me that he lost his desire to do things, and was very unhappy. However that started seven years ago! But will not take anti-depressants or have any kind of help

it is very very tiring, and the more contact we have the more tiring it is.

In December 2009 he told me that he wanted to reconcile [I hadn't seen him in more than a year], and this lasted a few weeks. Initially he was really sorry for all he had done, and we actually talked openly for the first time in 4 years, but then I saw him drift back into full MLC mode again and he resumed the divorce.

Then he contacted me in May 2010, and suggested reconciliation again, which lasted three weeks this time. He called up, mean and spiteful, just before I was due to have major surgery. At that point I told him that this was unacceptable, and that I wanted no further contact until he decided what he wanted. Just after I had surgery his mother died. I was very fond of her, and she was very supportive to wards me, and she died with them unreconciled, which was very sad. So it has been an extremely eventful few years.

Anyway the divorce is back on the road, as I said, and I think it needs to happen to give me closure. He thinks it will give us a clean slate. Or at least that is what he has said. Crazy isn't it?


I have no idea where the OW is in all of this. He has told me that they have broken up on several occasions, but I do not believe him any more. Some said in MLC to believe only 10% of what they say. But there are nuggets of truth in all of that. He has told me that she is awful, but also that he was attracted to her neediness. But I don't think he can live without her.

He has also told me that he cannot live without me in his life . . but I am not sure whether that is true.

This man has changed beyond all recognition. His heath has gone, his family, and his prosperity. He is still venomous and angry, alternating with profound self pity and depression, with no self knowledge! It is a mess, but until and unless he decides to do what is needed to sort his life out, there is nothing that any of those who love him can do. It is his crisis, and his chance to recover. I have held the door open, and loved him, with firm boundaries, for a long time now. And like you I am tired, and getting on with my own life which is renovating a old house in the country, on a low budget!

Like so many MLCers he has done the most appalling things, which I would never have believed possible, but somehow we deal with all of this and keep breathing. I really value what I have now, instead of dwelling on what I do not have. It makes me sad though to see people take their partners for granted. A happy marriage is a great gift, and I am fortunate to have had this.

[His Wife]

I too have been on this journey for far too long. 9 years and counting. This thread was interesting to read. My H has been home now for 9 years. There are no more OW's and havent been since he returned but there is really nothing else either. Today at this point in time I really have to consider if a marriage is supposed to be put back together after going thru MLC/infidelities. Maybe I was supposed to let it go back then. I find myself wondering where my life would be if I would have made different decisions back then. I recall being so happy he "chose" our family over "her" that I dont believe I really thought it all through.

We live like roommates. We get along well and work well together in household/ family things. But that is all. He never really returned to ME at all. I guess I just dont compare to the OW and to him I am not worth a real marriage. He blames it on my weight ( chubby but not obese) but my couselor has done a good job of helping me to see that if not the weight it would be something else. He liked who he was in his fantasy life and doesnt like the reality of who he really is. It is easier to rewrite history and leave out all the bad and he could have chosen that but he came home and put us in this half in/half out world.

I find myself wondering which situation would be worse. Staying with a man that cannot get over himself enough to participate in a marriage or the financial ruin a divorce would cause.

I am back in counseling trying just to work on me. I dont know how I became so scared to make a decision. Why I keep thinking that today will be the today he finally gets it.....

[Upside]

Hello beatrice and HW-
I have to tell you that reading your stories makes me want to run away from my H as fast as I can. My H's crisis has been going on for 4 years now and he is still on the fence even though we have filed the D papers. It should be final before the end of the year. Unless something drastic happens, I'm staying the course...Gettin' a life and being happy!

Why I keep thinking that today will be the today he finally gets it.....

Life is too short and you have been at this for a decade. You deserve to be happy...I hope you can figure out how to do that.