How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

HIH,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I've been following your latest posts and see that she sent you a "Thank-you" for the b-day greeting. To my mind, that's not half bad. She could easily have ignored it.But don't get your hopes up. My H has made me feel very small during the last few months, making me out to be the worst possible wife a man could be saddled with. And then he has sometimes softened inexplicably, with unexplained phonecalls and friendly texts. Only to freeze over again PDQ. It could be (a) he wanted to soften me up for some devious purpose; (b) a sudden twinge of nostalgia; (c) a moment of being fed up with OW, or her not being available; (d) there's still some feeling there but he's too mixed up and proud to do anything but smother it. I like (d) best, but have to consider the others first.

Mr Negative came by this morning to take children to school. Then he returned here (I don't work on Monday morning). I sat him down to iron out money matters, but I also took the opportunity to give him an earful. Since day one, I've been a bit of a doormat, taking his reproaches and criticism without retaliating. i always tried to see where I went wrong, what I could do to change things etc. Couldn't stand up for myself. I finally got to the end of my tether last night, after the latest litany of my wrongs -and -how -I'd -driven -him -into -an -affair.

I didn't shout or insult him, just said I'd had enough of being demolished by him. I told him that he'd carped and criticized about everything on a regular basis (true), that I'd always made excuses for this (tiredness, work - also true) and tried to do better, but that he'd knocked the stuffing out of me as a woman and taken away all desire to take initiatives in any field by his constant criticism. I told him that he demanded of others a perfection he didn't give himself, and would never find, with me, with the OW, with his children.I said I was more than willing to make changes and act on what I saw was wrong, but not if it was just a series of hoops he was making me jump through, only to say "sorry, no thanks" after.I asked him to think about what kind of husband he'd been over the last two years, how dialogue was difficult, how absent and absorbed he'd been, how I'd felt as if I had little importance in his life. I reminded him of some of the more personally hurtful things he'd said about my appearance, my abilities between the sheets etc.I'd never attacked him as a person, I'd been shocked at his actions and lies. I told him that I'd worked very hard to succeed in an exam to bring comfort to us all, I'd needed his support, and all I'd got in return had been a mighty slap in the face. Finally, I told him that the A hadn't damaged my love for him, but that his way of putting me down, acting contemptuously and blaming me for it had seriously damaged my love for him. I told him that I knew he was great at his job and admired what he'd achieved, but that as a husband and father he'd left a lot to be desired of late. That if I had changes to make, he also had to look in the mirror and think about what he'd been doing and saying. He at first started to bluster and bully, but I said I was sick of hearing his list of grievances, I knew them by heart, so he'd better listen for a change. In all our life together, he's never seen me angry with him. I'm not a screaming angry person, more a serious, calm and determined one. He was taken aback and actually admitted he'd been unfair, did demand of others what he could never reach himself.

Then we got on to the thorny question of finances. He kept saying "but you'll be earning nearly 1000E a month more than I will." So the extra money rankles a lot. Friends have said to me that hurt masculine pride is part of all this, I never wanted to believe that, but this morning it was obvious. I asked him if he held this hard-earned good fortune against me. I'd achieved this for the family, not to upstage him, it was to be ours. He hotly denied sour grapes, but there's something there. Anyway, I stood my ground, calculator at the ready, until he'd agreed to go halves on all regular chil-related expenses (school, canteen, transport, insurance etc.).We parted on clearer terms, without rancour. I have no idea if it was DB or counter-DB. Standing my ground and speaking out to him are 180s for me - I've been a bit of a yes-woman. I know R-talk is to be avoided, but I'd had enough of his R-talking down to me and my listening and beating my breast. I felt good about it. I'd not been hurtful, but had just pointed out the discrepancy between his demands and reproaches and his own behaviour. That sort of home-truth session is anything but sexy, but I've gone beyond trying to let him see me as desirable. I just wanted him to hear the impact of his words and actions on someone he's supposed to have loved, and to start looking in the mirror. I definitely wasn't chasing anything only fairness. I'm sick of the high horse. Right now, the OW is welcome to him. of course, I only half mean that.

So, as you say over there: did I screw up? I certainly feel more detached. I still carry a totch for this man, but let's conserve energy for a while.

Gucci loafer I haven't read, I must get to that soon

When you say you felt badly about hurting your W with a love-affair, did you actually show that you felt badly, or try to blame it on her or passit off lightly? I have no way of judging whether or not my H ever felt guilty. He's been a bit less arrogant lately, though, and never looks me in the eye.

We're definitely in for a winter in the trenches, I'd say. Chin up