I will give you a pass on breaking down and calling Mr. NCU because we have all been there and done that. I understand how it is to feel emotional and have to let it out. I also understand that the "I can't live without you", "Who else will love me?", hand wringing talk does no good. So refrain from this at all costs going forward. You can do it!
What you need to project is strength and confidence. Dig deep down until you find it. How will you get your groove back? I think some suggestions have been made throughout your thread. I understand that it hurts terribly to be rejected by your H. How will you NCU convince yourself that you are desirable? If you don't think that you are, what do you have to do to feel desirable?
The thing is, we all have some physical thing that we can do better at. That is true for WAS and LBS. Don't let Mr. NCU do a hatchet job on your self confidence. Simply decide that you will not allow it. If you honestly believe that you have let some parts of your appearance "go", then address what needs to be addressed.
In your shoes, I would stop the R talk with Mr. NCU. The next time I saw him I would make sure that I looked him in the eye and looked better than ever. This is the time to bring your "A" game and your game face. Project a quiet confidence and a sexy attitude. You can do it! Can't you?
I wanted to add that you haven't failed at DB. It is counter intuitive and hard to put into practice as first. We have all stumbled on this road.
I honestly think that what will shock Mr.NCU (and NCU herself) is a cool, calm, collected NCU who is growing in confidence and is looking very attractive. And best of all, that attitude will do wonders for your self esteem.
If you think that NCU can't pull it off, pretend that you are your favorite actress in a role which calls for confidence etc. It is your chance to win an Oscar until you can do it authentically!
Thanks. Bully is the word. It's actually a term my own family have used about him in the past, when they saw him being too critical or too ready to blame others rather than face up to his own shortcomings. It's a tendency that's really come to the fore now. I think you're right about self-esteem: no-one who felt really good about what he was doing would be lashing out with bags of reproach and resentment like he is. I do need to change some behaviour ( we created this situation between us) but I feel he must be made to look at his own behaviour too. I do feel that calmly telling him to think over the demands he makes of others and what he's willing to do/give himself might do no harm. Then I must tell him we'd better not meet or have much contact until such time as he's ready to commit in some way. I've been reading an article about "intervention and protection", phases in dealing with unfaithful spouses. It was in JinBK's posts, posted by "Allen A". There are some interesting things in it about breaking off all contact and the mechanism of attachment. It's not quite your sit. or even mine (dunno if OW isn't getting the same treatment as I am; it would seem poor little him is the innocent victim of nasty women annoying him and getting between him and freedom...).But it makes sense . The premise is that if we have no contact, we create a need in WS to return to the "attachment" bond of the marriage. Being nice and having regular contact is deadly, apparently, as WS can get the idea you're okay with OP and have accepted all. It's in the "Infidelity/Extramarital affairs" topic, among recent JinBK posts in exchange with Allen A. Read if you can find.It'll make you feel better about sit. with your W.But of course, we must detach, mustn't we?
Thanks for the "beautiful soul". Unfortunately, that don't go down too well in the current buyer's market! NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Kara, Thanks for help. Of course I know I'm not a hag - I've got a nice smile, lovely hair and even MrNCU USED to say (way back in prehistoric April 2010) that I'd a lovely face. I've the kind of figure that's helpful to have in very hard living and working conditions in northern wastes ( not very tall, broad and muscular, probably great for lugging great baskets of butter or seaweed for miles over boggy mountain roads in the rain...I just have had a habit of trying to pass unnoticed, dressing quietly and functionally. I've been working on that. It's just that he's made it clear that on that scale I've been weighed in the balance agaist the hairdresser from hell and found wanting. I'm older than she is and although I enjoy walking and gardening, Ive never been into sports. She's a former national champion gymnast.The mind boggles.
Your advice is spot-on. However, when he's here, he hardly ever so much as throws me a sidelong glance, won't look directly at me, turns his back. Makes it clear I don't do it for him anymore and never could again. That hurts so much. I must find the oomph to pull off a confident encounter, even if it's hard.
Thanks. I hope you have moved on in your own situation. NCU
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I read Kara posts to you and I really support what she has said. Show your H the cool calm collected woman that he was attracted to. You make more $$ than he does, have a better career and station in life and your children adhore you....you are quite a CATCH!!!
Work on GAL and tune your ears out from what your H says to you. You might decide that Mr. Negative is not good enough for you...don't put up with him driving you down so that he feels good about himself!
Yeah, I have read gucci loafer's thread on letting them go as well as the TW guys material. That is why I was hesitant on sending the email to my W. Although, it was the right thing to do in my eyes (I felt good) she might have said "so what" or been confused because I let her go a week earlier, or annoyed. I know she opened the email and still has all of my emails that I have sent her since this sitch began.
I read somewhere that the rule of thumb is that it will take at least a month of DBing for each year that you have been married. We will have been married for 5 years this December. I am not sure if this holds true or not, but I do not plan to jump ship yet.
You know I told my W during my A that I was falling in love with someone else when I saw the hurt in her eyes I almost died. But when she read some of the text that I sent the OW on my phone I was simply embarrased....those texts she could recite verbatum and actually mentioned them about a week before she left. I know I am thinking about the past, which doesn't help with the future...but if I could only take back June 2008 I would in a heart beat!!!!
HIH, Thanks for the vote of confidence. I've been following your latest posts and see that she sent you a "Thank-you" for the b-day greeting. To my mind, that's not half bad. She could easily have ignored it.But don't get your hopes up. My H has made me feel very small during the last few months, making me out to be the worst possible wife a man could be saddled with. And then he has sometimes softened inexplicably, with unexplained phonecalls and friendly texts. Only to freeze over again PDQ. It could be (a) he wanted to soften me up for some devious purpose; (b) a sudden twinge of nostalgia; (c) a moment of being fed up with OW, or her not being available; (d) there's still some feeling there but he's too mixed up and proud to do anything but smother it. I like (d) best, but have to consider the others first.
Mr Negative came by this morning to take children to school. Then he returned here (I don't work on Monday morning). I sat him down to iron out money matters, but I also took the opportunity to give him an earful. Since day one, I've been a bit of a doormat, taking his reproaches and criticism without retaliating. i always tried to see where I went wrong, what I could do to change things etc. Couldn't stand up for myself. I finally got to the end of my tether last night, after the latest litany of my wrongs -and -how -I'd -driven -him -into -an -affair.
I didn't shout or insult him, just said I'd had enough of being demolished by him. I told him that he'd carped and criticized about everything on a regular basis (true), that I'd always made excuses for this (tiredness, work - also true) and tried to do better, but that he'd knocked the stuffing out of me as a woman and taken away all desire to take initiatives in any field by his constant criticism. I told him that he demanded of others a perfection he didn't give himself, and would never find, with me, with the OW, with his children.I said I was more than willing to make changes and act on what I saw was wrong, but not if it was just a series of hoops he was making me jump through, only to say "sorry, no thanks" after.I asked him to think about what kind of husband he'd been over the last two years, how dialogue was difficult, how absent and absorbed he'd been, how I'd felt as if I had little importance in his life. I reminded him of some of the more personally hurtful things he'd said about my appearance, my abilities between the sheets etc.I'd never attacked him as a person, I'd been shocked at his actions and lies. I told him that I'd worked very hard to succeed in an exam to bring comfort to us all, I'd needed his support, and all I'd got in return had been a mighty slap in the face. Finally, I told him that the A hadn't damaged my love for him, but that his way of putting me down, acting contemptuously and blaming me for it had seriously damaged my love for him. I told him that I knew he was great at his job and admired what he'd achieved, but that as a husband and father he'd left a lot to be desired of late. That if I had changes to make, he also had to look in the mirror and think about what he'd been doing and saying. He at first started to bluster and bully, but I said I was sick of hearing his list of grievances, I knew them by heart, so he'd better listen for a change. In all our life together, he's never seen me angry with him. I'm not a screaming angry person, more a serious, calm and determined one. He was taken aback and actually admitted he'd been unfair, did demand of others what he could never reach himself.
Then we got on to the thorny question of finances. He kept saying "but you'll be earning nearly 1000E a month more than I will." So the extra money rankles a lot. Friends have said to me that hurt masculine pride is part of all this, I never wanted to believe that, but this morning it was obvious. I asked him if he held this hard-earned good fortune against me. I'd achieved this for the family, not to upstage him, it was to be ours. He hotly denied sour grapes, but there's something there. Anyway, I stood my ground, calculator at the ready, until he'd agreed to go halves on all regular chil-related expenses (school, canteen, transport, insurance etc.).We parted on clearer terms, without rancour. I have no idea if it was DB or counter-DB. Standing my ground and speaking out to him are 180s for me - I've been a bit of a yes-woman. I know R-talk is to be avoided, but I'd had enough of his R-talking down to me and my listening and beating my breast. I felt good about it. I'd not been hurtful, but had just pointed out the discrepancy between his demands and reproaches and his own behaviour. That sort of home-truth session is anything but sexy, but I've gone beyond trying to let him see me as desirable. I just wanted him to hear the impact of his words and actions on someone he's supposed to have loved, and to start looking in the mirror. I definitely wasn't chasing anything only fairness. I'm sick of the high horse. Right now, the OW is welcome to him. of course, I only half mean that.
So, as you say over there: did I screw up? I certainly feel more detached. I still carry a totch for this man, but let's conserve energy for a while.
Gucci loafer I haven't read, I must get to that soon
When you say you felt badly about hurting your W with a love-affair, did you actually show that you felt badly, or try to blame it on her or passit off lightly? I have no way of judging whether or not my H ever felt guilty. He's been a bit less arrogant lately, though, and never looks me in the eye.
We're definitely in for a winter in the trenches, I'd say. Chin up
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
Me: 46 H:42 Together for 18 yrs, married 14. 3 children: 2 girls 13 and 10, one boy 7. Husband had affair, ended it and then decided on separation. Separated 08/2010
I never blamed my A on my W it was totally on my shoulders. However, I never did officially apologize to her until a few weeks ago. It was a standing joke between the two of us...or so I thought. I use to say "if you ever leave me I have plan B" and she would talk about the OW as well. So I swept it under the rug and she internalized it. We never addressed in our M.
In regard to my W and the "thank you". I am quelling my excitement. I realize that this is a baby step...but a step none the less. I do take it as a positive. She could have said nothing or worse "please leave me alone". But she chose to say Thank you.
I am working on my GAL and detaching, but I don't think that it is wrong for me to open up lines of communication. I did it confidently and with humor...all attractive traits. I didn't manipulate her in responding it was her choice. I plan to stay dark for a while then bring up the commercial about where she works.
NCU, I have read MWD and based on what she advises you have to try different tactics and then take stock in how your spouse reacted. If going dark draws her in then great! If not then I will try another approach. I didn't reply back to my W's thank you. The last time she thanked me I overreacted with 3 or 4 emails.
I am glad to sat your H down and had acknowledge his share of responsibility. Show him confidence and courage, don't give into him!!!
