Nothing fits

[MichelleLT]

Well...something simple like "hey, sorry I've been grumpy/irritable/b!tchy (or another adjective of your choice ) I've been having some bad dreams and it's been hard to shake" would probably be good.

As for your dream, I agree it's your insecurity. Isn't it weird how when things feel the same (i.e like the M) it freaks you out? I've been noticing I'm struggling with that too, everything feels so comfortable with Roger that it freaks me out. It feels a lot like my R with my XH did, and so it makes me so nervous. But the funny thing is I'm happy, he seems happy, the communication seems good, so this is all super good stuff, yet it still makes me nervous!

[mishka422]

Exactly. I keep thinking that this is how it was when we were M'd, it's comfortable, no drama, no craziness, also though...no excitement. But that was apparently wrong because it broke. Now I find myself questioning EVERY thing I say or do or how I act. It's really horrible. Sort of like walking on eggshells without really doing that. It's impossible to explain. I keep waiting for him to come home and tell me that "It's been fun but it's time to move on. C-ya. Send me pics of Marc."

Now, I know that's crazy. He wouldn't do that....well, not exactly like that. There is just no understanding between us so it all feels so temporary and I HATE that.

There is no need to 2x4 me, I already know what my problem is but I keep thinking that I created this situation, it's not working for me, but now I can't really change it without hurting Marc. That is the last thing I will do so I will suck it up and let it ride. When Gabe leaves again he can have the responsibility of causing our son more pain. I won't do it.

So...round and round the earth spins...we keep living in pretend....all is well as long as I don't rock the boat.

[kat727]

So are there small changes that you can make to have it feel different? It is so easy to fall back into what you know but waht you really want is something better. What would be something you could do to accomplish that?

Or do you even want this? Maybe that is where you should start.

kat

[MichelleLT]

And when you answer that question, leave Marc out of it.

Do YOU want this?

If you do, what boundaries do you need?

[Dagny-2]

Mishka, Do you have plans for Saturday to do something and keep busy all day? Mine is in October and I'm already trying to think of something fun to do so I can get through the stupid day.

Sometimes I think just trying to figure out what we want is the hardest part, it is hard to take the kids out of the equation, since they are such a big part of our happiness.

Dagny

[whatisis]

Mishka, if it's your anniversary and you're still together why not celebrate together? Hey, we're still standing! Celebrate what you have rather than dwelling on what's missing, maybe for just one evening! So something cheap and simple just to mark the occasion. My 2 cents anyway.

[mishka422]

That is what is so complicated Wii. It would have been our anniversary. We're divorced so that is null and void. We are living togther again, sleeping together again, but that is the extent of it. We have no commitment, no understanding, nothing. It's a very bizarre existence. We don't talk about anything R related, we don't talk about anything of any importance other than Marc. It really sucks the life right out of me.

The other night I apologized to him for falling apart on him that morning. It had been a horrible morning with my mom and I was just overwhelmed and tired and a I started crying when he hugged me. He was angry that I apologized and also wanted to know why I didn't ask him for help with Marc that morning either. Marc had to be at school early Monday for some extra math tutoring and I was rushing trying to get myself ready for work so I could take him and then mom had an accident that I had to deal with. He wanted to know why I didn't just ask him to take Marc to school. I couldn't answer him. I know why but I also know, with relative certainty, that my answer would just make him angier. I don't ask for help from him because I am positive (based on what he said when he left me) that my asking him for help was one of the reasons he left me in the first place. So now I don't ask for help because I am afraid to. Heck, I don't ask anyone for help anymore because if my H left me because I needed him too much then I can't afford to drive my friends away because I need help.

Yes, twisted thinking, but that is what has happened. It hurts my heart to think that there is really no one I can count on in my RL, but that seems to be the way it is. Even my family runs the other direction if I make any mention of needing someone to pick mom up from dialysis because I have an appointment (maybe 2 times a year!).

What does that say about me? I'm afraid of the answer so I just go it alone and learn to not rely on anyone for anything. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Ok....I was in an ok mood and now I'm sitting here crying. WTH is up with that???? UGH!

[kat727]

((((((((Mish))))))))

Sometimes you do have to ask for help. If it isn't a family member, it could be someone from church to help with your Mom. As far as asking Gabe about Marc, do it. He is his father. Please stop being afraid of the end result. He left before and you know what...the world didn't stop revolving and you certainly grew stronger.

I think you need to talk to him about this without bring emotion into it. "Gabe, I need you to help with Marc, getting him to xyz. It would help me and mean a great deal." If you aren't ready to take this "situation" to a deeper level then you aren't but at least be open to telling him what you need.

hugs, kat

[LolaL]

Awww Sweetie...we all need help. I know how you feel, I am one who rarely asks for help because I have heard no so many times. It seems easier sometimes to just do it on my own rather than rely upon someone else, have to either hear no, or a lecture.

But you also should not have to carry the weight of all of this on your shoulders and in your heart. You are not Atlas darlin'...just Michele and doing the best you can (which is phenominal!!!)

[Babygirl]

(((mish)) oh honey. Its ok to ask for help, really. Hard to learn, I know that, harder to ask, harder to accept.
miss you girl!!